A last-minute update on the War on Christmas' body count
Happy Holidays to all...even the haters and losers and Packer fans
The difference between a madman and a nincompoop is not all that great, except that madmen probably do less harm.
Gerald Morris, The Ballad of Sir Dinadan
(It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m at work early- and alone- on a frigid gunmetal grey Sunday morning. Today, I’m at an allegedly haunted theater in downtown Portland. Lucky me, I get to open the place up.
It’s cold and dreary, and all the good coffee shops are closed. So, while I wait for the stagehands and crew to arrive, along with the cast, I’ll try pretending this is Palm Springs- sunny and 85 degrees…instead of Portland- grey, humid, and 36.
Good luck with that, eh??)
As this year’s War on Christmas © winds down to its inevitable denouement, I find myself again tasked with counting up the bodies. Tallying the carnage of the Liberal War on Christmas © can take a toll on the soul of one who tries to look on the bright side of life. And I do try to see the doughnut instead of focusing on the hole. As it seems with each successive year, this year was more challenging than most.
Thankfully, we weren’t bombarded with Bill O’Reilly fanning the flames of the War on Christmas © in 2023…because, let’s face it, the War on Christmas © is overblown. It’s 80% bullshit, 15% fantasy, 3% overheated imagination, and 14% overreaction to cheap propaganda and lousy information. That probably doesn’t add up to 100%, but I’m a History and Anthropology major, so you’ll have to deal with it. If you want a discourse on Rasputin’s significance in corrupting pre-Bolshevik Russia, I’m your man. If you’re looking for numbers, find a freaking’ accountant, knowhutimean??
Perhaps it’s that I’ve chosen to expose myself to less of the whiny bullshit from the Wingnut Grievance Bubble about their imaginary War on Christmas ©. Every year around this time, too many Christ-less Christians go on the warpath complaining about how “Liberals” are taking the “Christ” out of Christmas.
When was Jesus Christ ever IN Christmas for them?
I’d submit that these White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexuals might want to try inserting Christ INTO their Christmas for a change. Instead of whining about how other people are bastardizing THEIR Christmas and rendering it meaningless, how about doing whatever they think will make it meaningFUL?
It wouldn’t be hard to do.
They could start by remembering that the Holiday season isn’t just about them. It’s not just about Christians, despite so many Christ-less Christians being convinced that the holiday season begins and ends with their tender sensibilities.
They could also throw in some gratitude for all they have and the fact that they live in one of the safest and most secure countries in the world. Yes, America still has some significant problems, and in many ways, we’re a vast f*****g mess, but when you add it all up, America is still a pretty good place to be.
So, be grateful for having plenty to eat, a roof over your head, and the security of knowing that the same will be true tomorrow, the day after, and the day after that. Many in this world and even in this country can’t say that. It’s an accident of birth and good fortune that you’re not running for your life in, say, Gaza or eastern Ukraine—or living under a bridge in East L.A.
Be grateful for being able to celebrate the Christmas holiday as you wish to…and remember, despite what you may think, no one is conspiring to prevent you from doing precisely that. My saying “Happy Holidays” is not a rejection of your narrow, intolerant, hair-trigger Christianity. It’s a recognition that I may not know how or even if you celebrate during the holiday season, so I wish you happiness.
If you choose to misinterpret my words or intent, that’s on you and your tight-as-a-drum sensitivity…which, to be honest, is in no way my problem.
I’m grateful for many things- my wife, family, home, people who love me, and even those who tolerate me. As I get older, I’m learning that there are fewer things in life worth losing my shit over, and so maintaining equilibrium has become my goal.
Managing my ADD and depression will occasionally get in the way of that equilibrium, but like all of us, I have my crosses to bear, and those, while annoying as Hell at times, are manageable most days. While I never thought I’d ever have a disability that falls under the Americans with Disabilities Act…well, here’s your sign, eh?
Life is what happens when you’re cleaning up other people’s shit…isn’t that what John Lennon once sang?
So, while there are things we might reasonably complain about this Christmas- wars in Gaza and Ukraine, Donald Trump still being allowed to run free and unmedicated in the general population, the Packers still being in playoff contention- there’s no War on Christmas ©.
No, AOC and the Squad haven’t outlawed saying “Merry Christmas;” in fact, you can “Merry Christmas” as you goosestep down the Avenue of the Americas in a Speedo if you so desire. It might not be appreciated, but this is still a free country, so who’s going to stop you?
Just remember the reason for the season. No, not Peyton and Eli Manning. I’m talking about celebrating the holidays in whatever way makes you feel like a better person. If it’s celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus, then good on you. If it’s getting off on snorting your sister’s crushed Ritalin…well, whatever brings you closer to God, eh?
As for me, I’ll do what I do every year- enjoy my family, call my mother, and hope for world peace. If I can get two out of those three, it’ll be a great day… I don’t care which two.
Like every other year, though, I’m happy to report that this year’s War on Christmas © was pretty much a bust, little more than a bunch of impotent Right-wingers from the Wingnut Grievance Bubble whining about whatever they think will get them the most attention.
And, like every other year, I’ve ignored them. Or laughed at them…whichever seemed most appropriate at the time.
I’m grateful for all of you who read my rants because I’d be screaming into the void without you. That would be just…weird. Never mind that I’d probably have been institutionalized by now.
I hope that, wherever each of you happens to be, this message finds you safe, happy, and with those you love. I hope y’all are celebrating today and every day in the way that makes you the happiest and leaves you most fulfilled.
Feliz Navidad….
(All of my posts are now public. Any reader financial support will be considered pledges- support that’s greatly appreciated but not required to get to all of my work. I’ll trust my readers to determine if my work is worthy of their financial support and at what level. To those who do offer their support, thank you. It means more than you know.)
You are not screaming into the void, Jack. Happy holidays and keep screaming.