"A Vile Papercut On The Taint Of Humanity"- When You Can't Tell Soccer Balls From Ball Gags
If only Megan Rapinoe wasn't a militant lesbian who didn't hate America and the baby Jesus
Ah! how little knowledge does a man acquire in his life. He gathers it up like water, but like water it runs between his fingers, and yet, if his hands be but wet as though with dew, behold a generation of fools call out, 'See, he is a wise man!' Is it not so?
H. Rider Haggard, She: A History of Adventure
So the US Women’s National Soccer Team (USWNT) lost a heart-breaker on penalty kicks in the World Cup round of 16. The USWNT was tied with Sweden 0-0 after 90 minutes regulation minutes ad 30 minutes of extra time. Swedish goalkeeper Zecira Musovic had done everything short of standing on her head to keep the ball out of her net, foiling numerous excellent USWNT scoring chances.
Sometimes you can play the game of your life, but you run into a hot goalkeeper, and there goes your chance at victory. That sums up the USWNT-Sweden match.
The USWNT had two opportunities to win during penalty kicks but missed both. Then goalkeeper Alyssa Naeher stopped a shot off the right foot of Sweden’s Lina Hurtig, sending the ball straight up toward the crossbar. She reacted quickly, knocking it out of mid-air and clearing her line. It looked to everyone present and the millions watching worldwide on TV as if Naeher had managed to keep the ball from crossing the goal line.
Unfortunately, the electronic goal-line decision system showed that the entirety of the ball had cleared the goal line by what looked like the width of a hair. Sweden was awarded the goal and, with it, the match.
If you’re an American, you likely think the USWNT got jobbed. If you’re Swedish, you were probably celebrating with joyous abandon. If you’re neutral, you were no doubt wondering what in the world you just witnessed. Whatever your allegiance may be, it was one helluva game.
It was a YUUUGE disappointment for American fans- especially to lose by what seemed a fraction of a millimeter. The USWNT was the two-time defending champion and the #1 ranked team in the world. Sweden was #3 and a formidable opponent, as they showed throughout. The loss was no fluke, and no one should call it an upset.
The USWNT has never bowed out of the Women’s World Cup so early (the round of 16) before. The world is catching up with the Americans, who dominated the game for years. That’s good for the game, but there’s more to it than that. The old guard is passing out, and younger players are taking their place. No longer does the rest of the world hold the USWNT in awe. No longer will the USWNT be likely to win World Cup games 13-0 as it did over Thailand in a group-stage match in 2019.
But with the reality that the world is catching up with the USWNT comes additional scrutiny from the American Far-Right, who, for reasons only they understand, believe they are qualified to comment on the USWNT’s “failure”:
The US Women’s Soccer Team lost to Sweden and got eliminated from the World Cup this weekend. It was a shocker, but that happens sometimes in sports, where one team surprisingly wins and one team surprisingly loses.
If you are a perpetually victimized and aggrieved American MAGA conservative, you are reacting to this by following the lead of Donald Trump, who fake-tweeted this weekend that the loss happened because “WOKE EQUALS FAILURE” and “Nice shot Megan, the USA is going to Hell!!!”
The USA is hardly going to Hell, but The Former Guy and the rest of the Far-Right Looney Tunes have a hard time passing up an opportunity to gloat.
Sadly for The Former Guy and the other intellectual non-entities on the Far-Right, what they collectively know about soccer could fit into a thimble and have considerable room left over.
They may be victims of the Dunning-Kruger Effect, but that lack of self-awareness isn’t about to stop them from playing the “expert.”
What they do know, however, is that “Woke” = “failure.” Even though there’s no directly provable correlation between the two (Going “woke” means the “Barbie” movie earns $1 billion. We should all “fail” like that, no?)
Anyway, Trump is very upset with Megan Rapinoe, as he always is, because Megan Rapinoe knows Trump is a vile papercut on the taint of humanity, and she has said so, repeatedly, in her own words. She made fun of the idea of visiting the White House when he was president, due to how it wasn’t an honor then. She’s also a lesbian who is super-outspoken about her support for LGBTQ+ causes and racial justice and all the other things that make a person good. Indeed, the team is largely people like that. Good folks.
Now all the same dumbfuck wind-up conservatives are complaining, saying the same uninteresting paint-by-number things they always say. It’s what they have to do to pretend they matter. Anything to avoid confronting the devastating truth that if conservatives stopped offering their opinions and input on things tomorrow, literally no one would miss them.
Of course, because they are all such athletic sports experts, they are also making comments on how Rapinoe and the team played.
As a sage and eminently knowledgeable man once taught me, ‘tis far, far better to be thought a dumbf**k than to open your mouth, pretend to be an expert, and convince folks that you ARE, in fact, a dumbf**k.
“[I]f conservatives stopped offering their opinions and input on things tomorrow, literally no one would miss them.” If truer words have been spoken by anyone well-versed in the English language, I’m currently unfamiliar with them.
What is it about “dumbf**k wind-up Conservatives” that allow them to feel that they’re even passably qualified to comment on the USWNT? Is it because they believe women should be tending to hearth and home? Do they believe female soccer players (or female athletes in general) to be, as a not-so-wise former friend once called them, “dykes in spikes?”
Do they believe themselves to be a higher order of humanity? I’m not certain that’s warranted, much less justified. None of these maroons could hold Megan Rapinoe’s shorts.
Having been a fan of women’s soccer and the USWNT for many years, I’ve seen the game’s growth. I’ve also witnessed the talent gap narrow between the top American players and the rest of the world. It was the USWNT and the rest of the world for decades. Now other national teams are capable of giving the USWNT a run for their money. Countries like Canada, Japan, Australia, Germany, The Netherlands, England, France, Sweden, Spain, and others have stepped up to make international tourmaments much more competitive. European leagues are now on par with the National Women’s Soccer League on this side of the pond, and some European leagues are attracting significant funding sources.
But know-it-all Conservatives in this country know precisely why the USWNT lost, and they’re not afraid to make their (stupid, ill-informed, and wildly arrogant) voices heard:
Franklin Graham, the thing that happened when one of Billy Graham’s dumbest sperms got out of the backyard and God didn’t catch it in time, bitched on Facebook that he used to like the women’s soccer team, “but in recent years they have shown disrespect for our country’s flag and national anthem and have used their platform to promote the LGBTQ agenda.” In other words, they stand up for racial justice and they don’t groom LGBTQ+ kids to hate themselves like right-wing Christians would like….
Megan Rapinoe should have been WAY MORE publicly upset about missing her kick, and that she also lost because “woke agenda.” Indeed, they say the soccer team doesn’t score because “they’re too busy on a woke agenda, social justice, and not playing the game.” That is probably exactly what their practices are like. Just woke agenda drills, and very little “ball.”
You see, maybe if Megan Rapinoe didn’t hate the baby Jesus so much, and perhaps if she hadn’t been so smiley after she missed her penalty kick…ah, who am I kidding? The American Taliban “Christians” would’ve found another reason or reasons to crucify Rapinoe and other LGBTQ members of USWNT.
(Because she’s an atheist lesbian who hates America, right??)
Yeah, and I’ll take Franklin Graham to be an expert on anything when I win a Nobel Literature Prize. Until then, he’s just another tick on the buttocks of humanity.
Of course, what they mean is that
[Female] soccer players don’t deserve to make as much as men soccer players, because “the last thing women want to do is be subsidized by men!” and um, some other reasons, God, these fucking dorks just talk and talk.
Remember back in the days when conservatives used to be so jingoistic with their flag pins, how they’d shame anybody who didn’t cheer on the US and A no matter where it went, whether it was a sports arena or a random Middle Eastern war? It was always fake and they never really loved the actual America, but at least they’re being honest about it now.
And sure, they accuse the players of being “anti-American,” but as usual, what they really mean by that is that the women’s soccer team doesn’t fluff white supremacist conservative dick the way they like.
What these assclowns fail to realize, much less respect, is that the USWNT has been the most successful women’s national soccer team in history, winning four Women’s World Cup titles (and runners-up in one). OK, so they won’t be winning this one, but there have only been eight tournaments (the first was held in 1991), so they’ve won HALF of them. So the USWNT has been kind of a BFD, knowhutimean??
Yes, the USWNT lost a soccer game by the slimmest of margins. At least they put it all on the line. That’s more than can be said for the know-it-alls who’ve seen their way clear to piling on without risking so much as a grass stain on their Armani suits and Vera Wang dresses.
That a self-righteous kaffeeklatsch of suit-wearing Conservatives who wouldn’t know a soccer ball from a ball gag deem themselves qualified to pass judgment on a team of talented professional athletes is stunning. Each of the athletes on the USWNT has risked and accomplished more than the Conservative never-weres could possibly dream of.
From where I sit, I think America can and should rightfully be proud of the USWNT. No, they won’t bring home the 2023 World Cup trophy, but they’ve represented America well and capably. And they’ve shown that the future looks bright for American soccer. Success will be harder to come by as more countries begin to do more to develop female talent, but that’s good for the game.
US Soccer will have to work harder to cobble together a USWNT capable of winning the Women’s World Cup in 2027 and future tournaments. The good news is that’s entirely possible; America has no lack of talented players. Then again, neither does the rest of the world, which has served notice that several nations are worthy of being regarded as serious contenders.
So, yes, the USWNT lost to a solid and talented Swedish side by perhaps the width of a hair. It’s a tough loss, but it shows that the women’s game is on solid footing. Even better, it shows that women are as capable as men of producing exciting, technically adept, and eminently watchable soccer.
It’s time women were given their due. This Women’s World Cup has been exciting, dramatic…and it’s not over yet. The USWNT may have been eliminated, but several of the remaining eight teams are legitimate contenders. Watch out for Japan, France, Sweden, and England. Spain and Australia may also have outside shots. And then there’s the Netherlands, who lost to the USWNT in the 2019 finals. The only team I don’t believe has a legitimate shot at advancing is Colombia…but I’ve been wrong before
And that’s why they play the games….
Unfortunately, there are too many “patriotic” Conservatives in this country who were ecstatic when the USWNT lost, and for a variety of unfortunate and stupid reasons, most of them political/ideological in nature.
While Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) asks if we should root for the USWNT if they “root against America,” he never elucidates how they’ve been doing that. Is it because not all of the women are White Conservative Christian heterosexuals? Or not all of them sing the National Anthem? Megyn Kelly says they “don’t support America” and is “thrilled” that Sweden defeated USWNT. But she also never states what “crimes” the women of USWNT have committed.
My advice to both of them? STFU; you both sound like the puffed-up, self-important, and self-righteous morons you truly are.
But this moment has been a long time coming.
Clearly, a lot of people have been waiting for this to happen.
On social media, former President Donald Trump attributed the loss to current President Joe Biden, adding that many of the players were “openly hostile to America,” among more unhinged contempt. Political commentators, almost all right-leaning, have parroted this talking point, with former Fox News and NBC host Megyn Kelly declaring on her SiriusXM radio show that she was “thrilled” the U.S. lost. Players’ public stances on a number of social, cultural and political issues have repeatedly been cited as offenses that constitute “revel(ing) in anti-American vitriol,” as Texas senator and former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz put it on Twitter. So too are their marketing deals, their hairstyles, the awards some have won…everything down to the clothes they wear and the way they choose to celebrate existing at the peak of their profession.
Somehow, these voices have been given weight despite the fact that it’s likely few if any of them actually watch the USWNT, or women’s soccer, or women’s sports in general on a regular basis. And it’s all in addition to social media’s rotten waterfall of bigotry; hate speech masquerading as commentary, posted by trolls masquerading as serious people.
They’ve all gotten their chance to gloat. So here we are again.
It began with the USWNT’s fight for pay equity with the men’s national team (USMNT). That they were asking to be paid the same as the men’s team didn’t seem unreasonable- after all, how many World Cups have the men won? (Hint: zero)
That said, Conservatives hated that American female soccer players demanded pay equity and pushed for it until finally forcing US Soccer to cave to their demands. USWNT had been saddled for too long with lower pay, substandard training facilities, and less convenient and comfortable travel arrangements. All this despite being arguably far more successful than USMNT.
Beyond that, the collective willingness of USWNT players to take stands on important social, cultural, and political issues also angered Conservatives, who expect women to be deferential and silent. And these women, unaccustomed to being silenced, weren’t about to sit down and shut up for anyone, especially a cabal of know-nothing Right-wing jackasses who have little use for them.
That few, if any, of these ignoramuses watch women’s sports, much less women’s soccer, seems indisputable. They’ve never had a problem commenting at considerable length on topics they know little, if anything, about.
And, surprise…even when USWNT wins big, Conservatives find a way to criticize them for the way they celebrate.
Shouldn’t they stay home, get married, make babies, and be satisfied with being the best housewives they can be? It’s what good, patriotic White Conservative Christian heterosexual women do.
Right…anyone else having trouble seeing Megan Rapinoe as a Stepford Wife?
When the U.S. women won the World Cup in 2019, conservative politicians and talking heads had a playbook they followed to the letter. The equal pay fight was at its zenith, kneeling for the national anthem was a hot topic, and Trump was trading barbs with a U.S. team that was at the center of those conversations. In a way, one could understand the uproar that accompanied that moment. The discussions at play were significant and real enough that nothing felt forced.
Four years later, no actual discussions are on the table — just wedge issues conservatives are gleefully pushing in the hopes of scoring political points.
Consider the fact that so many of the people heaping invective on this U.S. team are doing so while trumpeting the need to “protect women’s sports” – something that has never been about reducing harm for athletes or calling for increased investment and resources, but has always been about a deeply hypocritical politicization of women’s sports, about erasing trans people from public life and denying them the joy of playing at any level, and about policing the behavior of women.
These are all things that several members of the USWNT drew attention to last year, when they wore wristbands reading “Protect trans kids” during a friendly in Texas. Now, at least in part because of that stance, the players are in a target zone of hate.
And now, the “just shut up and play” folks are lending their voices to the chorus of hatred and vitriol directed toward the USWNT.
The women are damned if they do…and damned if they don’t. And so many of them do what they do because they know that no matter what, they’ll be hit with scathing partisan criticism from the Far-Right. It’ll be wholly undeserved, but it’ll be there nonetheless. So Rapinoe and the other loud and committed voices of the USWNT will say, “F**k it; if they’re going to rip us, let’s give them their money’s worth!”
The screaming ninnies will howl regardless of the causes the USWNT stands up for. So let them cry if it makes them feel better. It won’t stop anything, nor will it change anything. It’ll make people realize how immature and hateful the bigots and fools are.
As for the know-it-all Conservatives who couldn’t distinguish a penalty kick from a car battery hooked up to their nether regions…they can suck donkey balls.
I remain gobsmacked that the US is in the running at any level for soccer, which was always "everybody else's" game.
The US never repeated the "miracle on the ice," but the hockey team was not the less American for all of that. USWNT pulls out 4 world championships, but they miss one and suddenly they never existed?