ADD- It's Not Just For Kids Anymore
At least I have something in common with Albert Einstein and Jackson Pollock
[əˈten(t)SHən ˈdefəsət diˈsôrdər] - noun
a mental condition, beginning in childhood and often persisting into later life, that is characterized by persistent difficulty in maintaining attention and concentration, sometimes with a degree of impulsive or hyperactive behavior.
I sat in the darkened corner of the psychiatrist’s office, staring at a computer screen I saw but could no longer comprehend. It was supposed to be a test of my ability to organize and prioritize things in my mind, but, like so many of these tests I’d taken in my life, it felt utterly fucked up. I no longer understood what I was doing, and nothing made sense. And the stress I felt made it impossible for me to focus on what probably would’ve been a relatively simple task for most people.
Then the buzzer went off, signaling the end of the test. I took stock of how I was feeling and realized that a five-minute test had left my hands clammy, my armpits sweaty, and my brain feeling like the psychiatrist had put it through a margarita machine.
I took a deep breath, exhaled, and looked at the psychiatrist. “How’d I do?” I asked, my voice betraying a degree of confidence I in no way felt.
He snickered and said, “TERRIBLE!” It seemed he knew what to expect before he sat me in front of the test. I didn’t know whether to cry or kiss him, but I had medical confirmation for the first time in my life. I had Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Those three letters changed everything for me.
If I were to look back at my childhood, I’d see that I’ve dealt with ADD my entire life. At times it’s made my life a living hell. At times it’s been merely frustrating. Either way, ADD has always been the 800-pound gorilla in the room. I just never knew what to call it until I was almost 50.
I’m a pretty intelligent guy. That’s not boasting; that’s just fact. I’ve taken two IQ tests in my life- one scored out at 148, the other at 150. I’ve never hung my hat on those results- they’re just numbers, after all. But I do understand that I’m smarter than your average bear, even though I’ve felt like a complete moron my entire life. And until being diagnosed a few years ago, I never knew why, which played havoc with my self-image, self-confidence, and self-esteem.
I was the most brilliant idiot I knew.
I’ve always been a lousy debater. If I’m attempting to carry on a serious discussion or an argument, I’m good for perhaps five minutes. Then, for reasons I still don’t understand, I lose all ability to organize my ideas. It’s as if my brain takes my mental note cards, tosses them in the air, and closes shop. At that point, I feel as if I’ve been Rick-rolled because I’m thoroughly overwhelmed.
Even though I managed to get excellent grades in high school and decent grades in college, I always felt as if my head was just barely above water. Studying was a Sisyphian challenge because I didn’t know how to develop techniques that worked for me. I didn’t know that I had ADD when I was in high school. I just thought I was stupid, and in 1978 no one had the compassion or clinical chops to correct me.
My ADD probably was almost certainly a significant factor in the demise of my first two marriages. I didn’t know what was “wrong” with me, and neither spouse was a trained mental health professional. As a result, I couldn’t communicate in a way that allowed me to express myself and ask for what I needed. That inability ended up helping to destroy both relationships, though it wasn’t entirely my fault. Boogering up a marriage takes two people, after all.
I’ve gone through life feeling as if there’s something wrong with me. I’m unable to focus on things the way other, more “normal” people can do. I’m easily overwhelmed. I can’t organize my thoughts hierarchically as others do. And I can’t maintain my thought process for more than a few minutes when I feel pressured.
It’s maddening, but I’ve never known what to do. What I learned is that I was different from other people. Even though I knew I was intelligent, I also knew that I was “abnormal” in so many important ways. It impacted me in school, my career (such as it was), and my relationships.
I was smart, but I also felt incredibly simple.
Before I met Erin, my current (and, as she frequently reminds me, last) wife, I dated a woman who studied psychology in college for a couple of years. After getting to know me and dealing with some of my peccadilloes and quirks, she looked at me one day and said, “I know what it is! You have ADD!”
I looked at her, mouth agape, like a cow glaring dumbly at a passing train. I’d heard of ADD, of course. I had a vague idea of what it was, but surely that wasn’t me- was it?? Then she began ticking off some of the symptoms of characteristics of Attention Deficit Disorder. By the time she’d gotten through a half-dozen, I was in tears. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I had some idea that I understood what was “wrong” with me.
Even though I’d been in counseling off and on for more than a quarter-century, no mental health professional had ever broached the subject of ADD. And here was my ex-girlfriend, someone who didn’t even have a B.S. behind her name, nailing a diagnosis.
It turns out that there is something “wrong” or “broken.” My brain’s wired differently than most other human beings. And, oddly enough, it turns out that many brilliant and creative people have either been diagnosed with ADD or displayed symptoms and characteristics consistent with an ADD diagnosis. Not that it necessarily makes me feel better, but it does help to know I’m in good company.
Keep fighting for your most authentic self. The one that recognizes your worth and your value to others. The kind of self-care I’m talking about is not bubble baths and spa retreats. It is radical self-acceptance and a willingness to say, I am taking up space in this time and place. I am not too young or too old, too thin or too fat, too “pretty” or “plain,” I am worthy of health and happiness.
There are still times I find myself wanting to be “normal”- half a century of self-talk isn’t easily unlearned- but then, what’s “normal?” I want to think and respond as I perceive others doing, but what I see is only the exterior. I have no idea about their interior struggle, just as they have no real idea as to mine.
We can never know the internal battle and struggles another person is fighting. As much as I endeavor to project an “all’s normal” facade, things on the inside are seldom “normal,” and not just because I have no idea what that means. I’ve never felt “normal,” nor have I ever felt equal to others in a group. It takes me a long time- years sometimes- before I truly feel comfortable, even with friends.
I’ve always felt intellectually disadvantaged, even though I know that I’m usually as intelligent as anyone in the room. It’s the difficulties organizing my thoughts and keeping up with a spirited discussion that brings me down. It isn’t easy to compete, and so I don’t. I shut down.
My truth, if I look at myself honestly, is quite simple. People like me. I’m intelligent, compassionate, kind, and I work to make people feel welcome and included. I think I hit that mark more often than I miss it. That said, it’s not easy for me to let my guard down and truly feel at ease around people.
I’m far harder on myself than other people are, but it’s a difficult habit to break. I expect a lot of myself- very often unreasonably so, but there it is.
After so many years, having an official medical diagnosis of ADD has been both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing in the sense that I now know that what I’ve been dealing with over my entire life is an actual thing. I know there isn’t anything “wrong” with me.
At least in that sense.
The “curse” lies in not knowing that I’ll never be “normal,” but there are two ways to look at that.
One, I can see it as a problem and define myself as “less than,” or
Two, I can celebrate it as the source of my creativity.
I think I’ll go with Door #2, Chuck.
Once I got used to the idea that I DO have Attention Deficit Disorder and many of the things that accompany it, I learned that many good things come along with it.
(I LOVE being a writer. It’s the one thing in my life I’m totally, 100% confident about. Admittedly, I’m significantly less sanguine about my guitar skills, but making music is a beautiful thing, and it’s a helluva lot cheaper than therapy.)
There is a common misconception that having Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) is a bad thing. However, while the ADD-wired brain certainly presents some challenges, it also offers some incredible benefits. The following is a list of characteristics that I consistently see in my clients, friends, and colleagues with ADD.
1. Compassion
People with ADD have a tremendous power to connect with other people….2. Creativity
I've never met an ADDer who wasn't creative! Writers, painters, musicians, film makers, designers, sculptors, comedians - the list goes on! Artistic talents are abundant….3. Drive
When an ADDer is bored with a task, completing it can seem like torture. But give an ADDer an interesting project to work on and watch out!….4. Problem Solving Ability
ADDers thrive on solving problems and puzzles. Give us an interesting problem to solve and we won't be able to drop it until we've found the solution!….5. Hyper-Focus
The ability to hyper-focus is something that ADDers can use to our advantage….6. Sense of Humor/Comedic Flair
Most ADDers love to laugh, and many also have a knack for making others laugh! Famous comedians such as Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams are rumored to have ADD.7. Resiliency
There's no denying that even though there are many great qualities that come along with ADD, there are also challenges. But ADDers have an incredible ability to bounce back from those challenges….8. Intuition
ADDers have a sharp sense of intuition. This may be due to highly tuned levels of perception, or great insight into the human mind, or something else that we have yet to understand….9. Idea Generating
ADDers are wonderful idea generators. We don't usually like to be bothered with details, but we can come up with ideas at lightning speed!….10. That "Special Something"
Many ADDers feel that they have a unique way of looking at the world, a perspective that others just don't understand.
I can go down that list item by item, and yes, they all resonate. Creativity? Youbetcha. Ideas? I’m great when it comes to concepts. I may suck at execution, but it’s because I get bored with details if it’s not something I’m passionate about. On the other hand, if it’s something I’m into, I can hyper-focus like nobody’s business and stay on-task for hours.
When I wrote my first book, I went to a resort on the Oregon Coast for a one-person writing retreat, something I try to do once a year. I wrote from 6 am-2 am for a week with occasional breaks to eat, shower, and walk on the beach. I was exhausted at the end of the week, but I had the bones of American Evolution when I came home. (The subtitle was going to be “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius,” but sadly, David Foster Wallace beat me to the punch.)
THAT’S hyper-focus.
I’m fortunate to have a partner who’s willing to work with me to develop strategies that allow us to address issues in our relationship in ways that enable me to feel like an equal partner. Erin doesn’t expect me to carry on a two-hour discussion. She knows that’s something I’m mentally and emotionally incapable of doing.
She’s able to recognize when I’m overwhelmed, and she doesn’t take it personally. She can see the look in my eyes and the change in my body language and say, “Hey, how ‘bout we take a break and come back to this later?”
Erin allows me the freedom to be honest about my ability (or lack of same) to process a discussion and its issues. I can say, “Hey, I’m having trouble wrapping my head around all of this. Let me step away from it for a while and think about it. Can we come back to it in a couple of hours?”
She’s worked with me to help me understand that there is no “normal” and that there’s nothing “wrong” with me. That’s helped me realize that my task is to accept myself for who I am and what I have to offer the world. It’s to keep fighting for my authentic self. So, after a half-century of trying to “fit in” and be something I’m not, I’m working on accepting myself as I am and for who and what I am. Erin already has, and now I’m trying to focus on seeing what she sees.
Yes, I have Attention Deficit Disorder…and I’m proud to own that part of me. Without my ADD self, I wouldn’t be who I am…and I’m finally coming to like and enjoy that person. It’s been a long journey, but I’m in a pretty damned good place now. I’m an incredibly fortunate person. From where I sit, ADD isn’t a disability or even a “disorder.”
It’s a gift.
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