America, Let's Talk- Wir Sind SEHR Gefickt
The Outrage Industrial Complex now rules our Republic
Just when I think America couldn’t POSSIBLY be dumbed down any further, I’m reminded that we live in a barrel with no bottom. And that barrel, sadly, is ruled with an iron fist by the Conservative Outrage Industrial Complex. These folks can turn even the most meaningless and inane cultural event into a moment of supreme outrage and “controversy.” Even when rational and reasonable sorts might pass by without reaction.
And, yes, it’s at moments like these when Tucker Carlson is either helming the process or nearby. As one of the worst people in America, he seems to command an army of genuinely shitty and reactionary assholes willing to create and flog these meaningless “controversies.”
It’s difficult to describe the type and degree of stupid that Carlson specializes in. He can't be unaware of the lies and propaganda he spreads. So he has to know that he’s lying and that the information he spreads is as dangerous as it is dishonest and divisive. And yet he continues doing so because it makes him millions of dollars a year.
Yesterday, M&M's announced with regret that because some people out there in the world are so very upset about the changes they've made to their mascots, specifically the lady M&M's, they are scrapping the mascots entirely for now and replacing them with Maya Rudolph….
In the pretend outrage masturbation chambers of the American right, M&M's have been a Chinese conspiracy and have offended the sensibilities of well-known feminist hero and Fox News anchor Harris Faulkner. Of course, Tucker Carlson appears to believe the green M&M is tampering with his erection, and was upset that the green one was "now a lesbian maybe." He moreover complained that "there is also a plus-sized, obese purple M&M." He's been distraught that they are "deeply unappealing and totally androgynous."
And following that logic to its natural conclusion, if they're androgynous, then what happens if Tucker accidentally gets a sexy feeling looking at one of the guy M&M's, totally by accident? Would he have to beat up that M&M in the bathroom? We are just conjecturing here.
Oy…how did we get here, America? How did we sink to a place where a Right-wing talking head can smirk and muse about a “lesbian” hard-shell candy? Or a “plus-sized, obese purple M&M?” They’re candies, ferchrissakes. Kids eat them and end up with cavities.
And yet, here we are…and America is far stupider for it.
“THIS WEEK ON FOX: WOKE M&Ms ARE PUTTING OUR COUNTRY IN DANGER”
Wait…what? Are Woke M&Ms putting our country in “danger?” What’s the threat? The hard candy shell melting in our hands? The chocolate tasting like crap? What are we supposed to be living in mortal fear of?
“WILL M&Ms STILL MELT IN YOUR HANDS IF THEY IDENTIFY AS TRANS?”
WTactualF are we talking about here? This is on the #1 cable news network in America. Are we supposed to take this bullshit seriously? If this isn’t the dumbest discussion I’ve heard on a cable news program, I don’t know what would qualify as “the dumbest.”
And yet the Fox News talking heads involved in this farce sound as if they’re deadly serious about the topic. I’m grateful that the Twitter clip was only a hair over a minute long because my head was about to explode from the 100% pure, uncut Stupid.
After the changes to the “spokescandies,” Conservatives vented their spleens all over social media…as if any of it mattered. This was about hard-shelled chocolate candy, y’all. It doesn’t cure cancer, didn’t invade Ukraine, and it’s not about to erase the national debt.
None of this matters, because Conservatives can use it to deflect attention from their myriad misdeeds and incompetence.
Judging by the reaction of the Outrage Industrial Complex, you’d think that purple M&Ms were molesting small children. And so, when Conservatives are outraged, they must be appeased. Since you can’t sacrifice virgins or small children, the next best thing is to assuage the bottomless unjustified anger of the Outrage Industrial Complex.
The brand said it didn't expect the changes to their "spokescandies," the colorful cartoon M&M's mascots, would "break the internet," noting that “even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing.”
“In the last year, we’ve made some changes to our beloved spokescandies," M&M's said in a statement on Twitter. "We weren’t sure if anyone would even notice. And we definitely didn’t think it would break the internet.”
Early last year, M&M's gave the mascots more unique personalities and a new look. The brand also introduced a new purple M&M in September meant to represent acceptance and inclusivity.
"We are confident Ms. Rudolph will champion the power of fun to create a world where everyone feels they belong," the brand said. Rudolph confirmed the news in an interview with Today.
M&M's said Rudolph will be starring in the brand's upcoming Super Bowl campaign and will assume the role of "Chief of Fun, using her humor and captivating personality to help the brand build on its mission to create a world where everyone feels they belong."
Tucker Carlson, of course, was bathing in the reflected glory of the moment, taking credit for having laid low the woke M&M “spokescandies.” It was pure Carlsonian performance art, with the Stupid reaching 11 on a scale of 10. His Fox News masters must have been pleasuring themselves over the surpassing brilliance of his performance.
(CLEAN-UP!! AISLE FIVE!!)
Because it’s not like anyone else was.
Tucker sneered that Mars had made the M&M's as "unattractive as possible, because when you're unintentionally repulsive, it's clear you've got the right politics." Yes, he's talking about candy mascots. He was mad the green M&M was no longer hot, the orange M&M had mental health issues, and the purple one was fat, which he described as "obese and distinctly frumpy lesbian M&M's."
Tucker is pretty sure the mascot that represents peanut M&M's is a trick to turn all Americans into "obese and distinctly frumpy lesbians," we guess.
Tucker said his show was unable to complete its journalism investigation into unfuckable M&M's before yesterday's announcement. Tucker said CNN anchors and the New York Times and Democratic Rep. Ritchie Torres are OUTRAGED AND MAD at M&M's and at him, as opposed to how everybody is just making fun of him.
"They just can't stand the idea that CANDY! isn't POLITICAL" he screamed in that high-pitched voice of his.
Candy isn’t political- a novel concept, seeing as how Carlson is the one who made it political in the first place. This entire ludicrous saga unfolded because Tucker decided his audience was sufficiently brain-dead that he could milk it for laughs, which is precisely what he did.
It also happens, not coincidentally, that the worst people in America tune in to Tucker Carlson’s show. Every. Single. Night. And they just LOVED the way Tucker teased the M&M’s “pro-fat agenda.” Who knew there was even such a thing? Those damned Libs are NEFARIOUS, I tell you!!
And then he swung for the fences….
“Distinctly frumpy lesbian M&Ms…?” WTF??
Of course, at least one wag mused on Twitter that this might all be part of a genius-level marketing campaign, what with the Super Bowl just around the corner. M&Ms may be manipulating Tucker Carlson and Fox News to get free advertising, and their diabolical plan seems to be working beautifully without touching their marketing budget.
That said, I feel dumber for having been exposed to this idiotic hyperpartisan nightmare. I feel as if I’d strapped into a chair with my eyelids propped open and forced to watch the sequel to Idiocracy repeatedly. I could feel brain cells giving up the ghost and committing seppuku as I researched this post.
(Just as we eventually discover that “Rosebud” is Charles Foster Kane’s sled, we learn that Tucker Carlson’s show is the sequel to Idiocracy.)
Come to think of it; I feel that way every time I listen to Tucker Carlson speak. Perhaps it’s a conditioned reflex- he says words-any words- and my brain cells commit ritual suicide. Thankfully, I avoid listening to him whenever possible because I need the brain cells I have left.
I’m never going to be able to look at a bag of M&Ms the same way.
How the hell are candies that are all uniformly round supposed to be frumpier or more obese than other, equally uniformly round candies?
Teachers are removing books from their classrooms fearing prison sentences, but the left is guilty of "cancel culture" ... via uniformly round candies?
Exactly 🤷🏻♂️