America: The Land Of Opportunity And Made-For-TV Sports

Hey, if professional cornhole can be a thing....

“You don’t really need to explain [pillow fighting] to people – that’s the beauty,” says Williams.

The pillows – which make a crinkling sound like a dry diaper when held still and crack like a horsewhip when connecting with a cheekbone – are queen-sized, stuffed with foam and encased in nylon sailcloth….There are only three 90-second rounds because hurling a broad, 2lb pillow with the torque of a golf club becomes virtually impossible after the four-minute mark, even for athletes in elite shape….

“There’s hardcore aggression with pillow fighting, but nobody gets hurt. A lot of people don’t want to see the blood and violence any more.”

In a sporting environment that’s brought us competitive eating, professional ironing (seriously), and competitions I can’t even begin to imagine, comes…wait for it…professional pillow-fighting. Yes, that thing you did with your sorority sisters when you were drunk and disorderly is now a competitive professional sport, with prize money and everything.

I suppose this goes to show that most of us really do have WAY too much time on our hands. It’s only a matter of time before ESPN5 is all professional pillow-fighting, all the time. With more cable and satellite channels, it makes sense. There will be a lot of programming time to fill. If ESPN can, with no sense of irony, broadcast professional cornhole (the most unfortunately named leisure pursuit known to humankind), why not professional pillow-fighting?

In a way, professional pillow-fighting makes sense. With a lower body count than the hunger games and a more significant amount of drama than competitive ironing, at least professional pillow-fighting looks sort of like boxing. There’s physical contact (kind of) without the risk of a traumatic brain injury and no bloodshed. It’s a combat sport…without much in the way of actual combat, except for the object being to hit your opponent in the head as often as possible, something you can’t say about competitive ironing.

I have a feeling it’s harder than it looks, which means competitors have to be in pretty good physical condition, as opposed to, say, curling or bowling, which are little more than excuses for drinking beer.

Not that there’s anything wrong with drinking beer, of course- but does an activity that can be engaged in while consuming beer REALLY count as a sport? I’m asking for a friend.

In the meantime, I’m wondering what else can be turned into a sport. We already have competitive gluttony. What’s next? Professional adultery? I’d think the pay-per-view potential on that would be tremendous, don’t you?? Maybe ESPN would want to license it. After all, you can’t run professional pillow-fighting 24/7.

I LOVE America….

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