Annabella Rockwell Escapes From The Clutches Of Militant Lesbians And Liberal Education

Or, how she found the warm embraces of Jesus, Tucker Carlson, and PragerU

Mommy’s little girl learned to think for herself…and we just can’t have that, can we, Muffy??

Imagine this scenario, if you will: A good, upstanding Conservative family, stalwarts of all that’s Good and Holy about Right-Wing AmeriKKKa, sends their precious snowflake off to college. There she’s expected to learn to be a good Conservative woman and meet a man from a wealthy, well-to-do family. Once she graduates, they’ll marry, have a passel of beautiful children, and the cycle will repeat.

Thus has it ever been, thus shall it ever be, forever and ever. Amen.

Middle Age Riot @middleageriot

SUPER FUN FACT THAT REPUBLICANS ARE PRETENDING NOT TO KNOW: Jesus was woke as fuck.

This is how wealthy, White, Conservative, heterosexual, upper-crust AmeriKKKa maintains the iron grip of the landed gentry on money and power in this country. It’s a pretty simple recipe that works very well as long as everyone plays their role.

But what happens when the beautiful and idealistic Precious Goodhead goes to a university renowned for turning our idealistic men and women…and she comes out a card-carrying Liberal?

Oh, the Humanity!!

Omigawd…what happens then??? Well, if you want your daughter to be a rich asshole like you, it will take some work, honey. And it’s going to cost you- but you’re made of money, so take it out of petty cash, right??

Murdoch NewsCorp stablemates Fox News and the New York Post teamed up for an amazing demonstration of how rightwing media feeds on itself to offer its audience a closed loop of "news" that confirms everything they already believe.

Saturday's New York Post printed the tragic story of Annabella Rockwell, the "heiress to a pharmaceutical fortune" who went to the elite radical lefty (and also "posh") women's school Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts back in 2011.

Ms. Rockwell graduated in 2015 with a bachelors degree and a head full of wokeness, and it left her so badly alienated from her family that her mother, Melinda Rockwell, needed to hire a cult deprogrammer to save her from all that indoctrination. Her mother says the deprogrammer charged $300 a day, although neither the Post nor a follow-up Fox News story Sunday specify how long their services were needed. In an interview with Tucker Carlson, Annabella said she was warned the entire process could take up to "seven years," which would get her from graduation until right now, but she didn't claim the deprogrammers were involved that long.

Oh, also the Post story mentions she got help from her tennis coach, because tennis coaches know all about helping people overcome their faults.

Ah, I see what they did there…overcoming their “faults?” Cute, but I’m easily distracted, so let’s get this back on track, shall we??

Deprogramming? Seriously? After all, she did go to the “elite radical lefty (and also posh)” Mount Holyoke College. So what were her parents expecting, that she’d come out of her four years there as a born-again Christian and a card-carrying member of the American Taliban with an “MRS” degree?

It seems Ms. Rockwell discovered the two hallmarks of American Liberal higher education- substance abuse and alternative sexuality. She developed a drinking problem at Mount Holyoke (doesn’t every rich, pampered, trust fund baby during their college days?) and a head full of wokeness (probably from all the marijuana). Those issues alienated Ms. Rockwell from her politically proper mother, who’d been around long enough to know that chemical dependency was best kept under wraps and treated quietly at exclusive clinics in Mexico.

For the kicker, though, you have to watch Tucker Carlson's interview with Ms. Rockwell, where she talks about the relentless indoctrination she underwent -- she was told she was a "first-year student," not a "freshman," for example -- and the constant pressure to be woke and feel oppressed and to shave her head and be a lesbian and to see her parents as oppressors too.

We were genuinely filled with emotion when Tucker sadly explained, "We joke about the lunacy on college campuses, but the cost is not that they'll vote Democrat. The real cost is that they won't [painful pause] love their parents anymore, and that's the most upsetting part of it." We're sure that hit home for rightwing parents whose kids arrived home for Thanksgiving break and asked why Mom and Dad lied to them about everything.

Or the ones whose kids didn't come home because they were eating tofurkey and pronouns.

Mostly we were filled with the emotion of remembering Our Dear Sainted Mother, who was absolutely convinced that if only we hadn't gone to college and read a bunch of books we'd have remained a good Catholic boy. I never had the heart to tell her that ship sailed when I was in high school and still under her roof.

I remember my college years being a haze of cheap Iowa beer (smuggled over the border) and relentless pressure to become a practicing lesbian. And then there was the marijuana, boatloads of Minnesota ditchweed that was useful primarily for killing mosquitoes. When you smoked enough to get high, your throat was raw, and your lungs felt like the Sonoran Desert. (Sorry, Mom; it was college. It was what we did.)

Even with all that pressure, I escaped most of the beer (though I didn’t try very hard), the lesbians (they avoided me), and the Minnesota ditchweed. And I had a head full of “wokeness,” though no one called it that at the time. We just called it giving a damn about people other than ourselves.

Go figure; not being an asshole is actually frowned upon among Conservatives, so much so that they’ve attached a pejorative to it.

Carlson assumed his IREALLYGIVEADAMN!! face when he issued this pronouncement: “Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.” But, er, wait, no…that wasn’t it. Right; it was, “We joke about the lunacy on college campuses, but the cost is not that they'll vote Democrat.”

Because if we stop lunatics from voting Democratic, only Democrats will be lunatics, right?

No, “The real cost is that they won't [painful pause] love their parents anymore, and that's the most upsetting part of it.” Right, because, OF COURSE, any parent worthy of the title knows enough to vote Republican because only Republicans have the moral fiber to lead this country into the loving arms of Jesus Christ?

Really, Tucker? Have you met Donald Trump for Floriduh Gov. Ron DeSatan? Or Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH), Rep. Marjorie Trailer Greene (R-GA), or Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)? These folks have moral fiber like I have multiple Oscars.

(And those eyes are the eyes of a psychopath, are they not?? It’s as if the viewer can stare into the depths of her soul and see the Dark Lord (or the Thorazine) in his Sunday finery.)

I realize that everyone’s college experience is different, but if she or her mother realized during her time at Mount Holyoke that she was becoming a (GASP!!) Liberal, why didn’t she transfer to a more Conservative school? I’m sure Liberty University or Bob Jones University would’ve been proud to call her an alumnus.

Ah, but those aren’t “name” schools that attract men from wealthy, well-to-do families. So how would she find the right someone to marry when so many of those students were destined to be preachers in places like East Bumfukk, KY?

No, she graduated…and then decided to blame it all on her education, as if she played no role in choosing the classes and activities in which she participated. She could’ve gravitated toward majors and activities that leaned more Conservative, but she didn’t. Therefore, Liberal edumication is to blame.

Of course, it is. Because free will is tyranny, knowhutimean?

I find it interesting that for an ideology and philosophy that relies so heavily on personal responsibility, Ms. Rockwell and her mother are choosing to blame Mount Holyoke.

(This next paragraph should be read while scraping one knuckle on the ground and grunting inarticulately.)

Hmm…Liberal edumication BAD!! Teach girls to become lesbians and to hate their families!! Maybe even to shave their heads!!

But fear not! There’s hope, for Ms. Rockwell crawled out of her own personal Hell. How, you might ask? She unlearned “my four years of wokeism by watching five-minute PragerU videos online for free.”

(“Wokeism?” Is that even a word? Is it a Timothy Leary holdover from the ‘60s? Or a Charles Manson philosophy that didn’t make the cut when he focus-grouped his murderous craziness before going live?)

When I read this, I almost choked. Someone with a Bachelor’s degree from Mount Holyoke should know that PragerU is…how shall I put this delicately?…full of pure, unadulterated, 100%, Grade-A, top-shelf, USDA Prime horse shit.

Free, online. If You could watch them too, Fox Viewer! Much better than going to Mount Holyoke, or Cats. You should watch PragerU videos again and again!

Jesus H. Christ on a flaming eBike, we were going to make fun of all the bullshit claims about woke indoctrination and deprogramming, but why bother when the entire set-up is not only silly repetition of rightwing tropes about higher education, it's a literal sales pitch for PragerU?

We wish Ms. Rockwell and her giant cross pendant well, now that she's landed on her feet and found a meaningful path in life grift that pays well. Can her own Fox or Newsmax show be far behind?

We can only wonder what her vitamin supplement brand will be called.

Welcome to the closed loop that represents the Right-wing news universe feeding off itself and “confirming” what it already believes to be true. Hey, it beats doing actual journalism. Or breaking out of the loop and looking for new ideas. But that would mean critical thinking, which is frowned upon in Rupert Murdoch’s Right-wing universe.

For those who don’t know, PragerU is one of the biggest Far-Right/America Taliban bullshit merchants on YouTube. Their five-minute videos are pure propaganda and rarely stand up to even the most basic fact-checking.

Worse, it’s a 501 (C)(3), which means it’s tax-exempt. I’m not an expert on the US tax code, but if memory serves, that status is reserved for “public charities, private foundations or private operating foundations.” I’m not certain how PragerU fits into that definition, but I’m not going to get my panties in a wad over that. I’ve got better things to obsess over.

So Ms. Rockwell was “deprogrammed” of her Liberalism only to be “reprogrammed” by piles and piles of PragerU horse shit. That shes’ found a job grift with PragerU is almost too good to be true. With her 5-lb. cross and her perfect smile, the way she speaks of her experience and where she is now sounds very rehearsed, as if it was just another sales presentation she was programmed for by PragerU.

And her eyes. My God, those eyes. Ms. Rockwell looks like she’s been possessed, like a Stepford Wife without the conjugal part of the equation.

This makes me wonder how much PragerU might have paid Tucker Carlson and Ms. Rockwell. This interview doesn’t pass the smell test- in fact, it stinks- and it couldn’t have been a coincidence.