Another Year Older; I'm Not Sure About The "Wiser" Part, Though

At this point, I'm grateful to still have my wits about me

LIFE IS TO BE EMBRACED, ENJOYED, AND CHERISHED

I often write about politics, which means focusing on the bad, awful, stupid, mean-spirited, and just plain ridiculous. I find myself drawn to the dark side of the human soul for reasons I’m not altogether proud of, but I justify it by telling myself that perhaps by shining a light on the crap, I can serve humanity in some way.

I’m probably misleading myself, but we all have stories we tell ourselves to get by, right? Today, though, I want to focus on something more prosaic that makes me look at this ambulatory meat sack I call home and think, “WTF?”

Today’s my 63rd birthday. I write that with a combination of whimsy and terror. Whimsy in that there was a time in my life when I’d never thought I’d make it this far- especially when, at one time, I’d planned to commit suicide on my 21st birthday. I’ve told that story too many times before, and I’m not about to revisit it.

The terror comes in when I look at myself in the mirror and think, “How in the Hell did this happen?” The older I get, the more I see my father in me (though I did inherit my maternal grandfather’s thinning hair). Though he died three years ago at 82, there’s in many respects an uncanny physical resemblance. Given his health issues, that he lived until 82 was a minor miracle. I hope to be as fortunate, especially since I’ve taken better care of myself than he did…but who knows? It’s a crap shoot; none of us can know when our time will be up.

I’m at the point where I’ve recognized and made peace with the reality that I’m on the back end of the bell curve. That’s just the actuarial reality of my place on the spectrum of human existence. And I like where I am. I’ve got a pretty good life and six-plus decades of perspective to back that up.

Like most of us, my life hasn’t been a straight line. I’ve never thought too far ahead, so to say I’m where I thought I might be would be laughable. I’ve gone where life has taken me, and while the journey has alternated between terrifying, mysterious, and rewarding, being open to the possibilities has been fun.

I can still remember my early 20s, just after I graduated from college and moved from Minnesota to Portland, Oregon. The possibilities felt endless. Life felt new and different. I discovered coffee, the Pacific Ocean, Mt. Hood, winters without severely below-zero temperatures, and frozen lakes and rivers.

Though I’ve left and returned to Portland four times over the past 40 years, Portland’s still home. It’s still the place that feeds my soul and feels most comfortable. I may not necessarily live in Portland for the rest of my life, but it will always be the place I call “home.”

It took two failed marriages, but I’ve finally got my shit together enough to get it right. I have a partner who looks at me like I hung the moon, and while I’m not always sure I deserve it, coming home to Erin’s smile is always the best part of any day.

Yes, I’m happy, but even better, I’m content. I’ve reached a place where I have what I want and I want what I have. There isn’t much I need and even less I don’t already have. Sure, I suppose there are material things that would fall under “nice to have,” but I can’t think of much that would be “gotta have.”

Erin and I want for little; for that, we both recognize that we’re incredibly fortunate. It hasn’t always been that way for me, so I appreciate being in a place where financial comfort and something close to security occupy the same space.

Looking back at my life and considering that I was once three days away from living under a bridge, I’m grateful for where I am. The perspective I have is priceless. I look for opportunities to be generous to others, not because I want to be recognized for having a generous spirit, but because there were times when I barely had enough to scrape by. I remember what that was like, and if I can lift someone up, even for a brief moment, I want to be able to do that.

I want to leave this world knowing that I’ve positively impacted people. I will almost certainly never be world-renowned for my writing (or anything else), and that’s OK. I don’t have to be. If I can head off into whatever’s next knowing that I helped make life better for a few people, I can do so wearing a smile.

I’m hoping that whenever my time comes, I’ll have loved Erin to the best of my ability and never missed an opportunity to tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is to me. I hope my friends will smile because they knew me, not cry because I’m gone.

Of course, with any luck, I’ll outlive them all…and that will undoubtedly change the calculus a bit, eh?

For now, though, I’m going to enjoy this moment. I can’t change what I’ve already done, and I don't know what lies ahead. What I do know is that I have an opportunity right here and right now to enjoy the life I’ve created. I have a great partner and some fantastic friends to share this life with. So I’ll lean into that and enjoy myself for as long as possible.

And, when the clock strikes midnight, I plan to be someplace where the Grim Reaper can’t find me. Maybe that’s how my Dad made it to 82.

Thanks to all of you for coming along for the ride, wherever you may be. I hope you’ll stick around for a while. I certainly plan to.

Sláinte!!