"As Advertised, You Can Get A Literal Pile Of Shit For $75"

Is Gwyneth Paltrow this generation's P.T. Barnum? Or a New Age Donald Trump?

(Yes, that’s a gift-wrapped pile of high-grade shit. For $75. Gwyneth Paltrow’s shit don’t stink, yo.)

There are many unique things I might have gotten Erin for Christmas. For example, she had long wanted a pair of diamond earrings. In the end, I chose the safe option. So she got the diamond earrings…and I looked like a hero.

Then again, if I wanted to dive into the truly unique…and truly f*****g weird, pointless, and gawdawful overpriced, there’s always Gwyneth Paltrow, whose Goop Gift Guide always creates much excitement amongst the hoi polloi.

Yes, as mentioned, you can get a pile of shit for $75; it’s nine pounds of extra fancy fertilizer. These people went to a lot of trouble for some high-grade shit [feel free to insert Cheech and Chong reference here].

It's a blend of free-range goat, horse, chicken, and cow manure, lovingly tended by our gardeners at Flamingo Estate. Our chickens and goats are on a nutritious regenerative diet, snacking occassionally[sic] on the tastiest food from the kitchen. It's teeming with beneficial microbes and nutrients, guaranteed to make any plant grow strong and vibrant. This potent, precious poop will bring new life to your soil. Roses love it, too!

How do they know roses love their free-range goat, horse, chicken, and cow manure? I wouldn’t put it past these folks to be able to communicate with flowers on some higher plane, like a frequency that dogs can hear but humans can’t.

Like most of us, I have no way of knowing if $75 for nine pounds of high-grade shit is a good deal, though common sense (and the association with Gwyneth Paltrow) tells me it’s a significant and wasteful markup.

There’s something called the Value of Animal Waste calculator that’s been helpfully provided by the good folks at Oklahoma State University’s Ferguson College of Agriculture. But, unfortunately, all the numbers and mumbo jumbo go WAY over the head of this humble history major. I’m a writer, not a slide rule geek, knowhutimean?

The moral of the story? Buy the high-grade shit at your own risk.

Oh, but there’s more.

Do you need something in which to store your dog’s toys? Boy, have I got a (not so much of a) deal for you:

Why $1200 for a box to store your dog’s toys? Because it’s Hermés, silly wabbit- and everyone in your soccer mom group will have one before you know it. Do you want to be the only one in the Harper Valley PTA without one? Perish the thought!

Why do people spend so much money on a freakin’ box? Well, maybe it’s God’s way of telling you that you have too damned much money.

No, wait; that’s what cocaine is for.

Perhaps it’s because you suck at handling money and inevitably spend whatever your husband makes. So who needs a retirement plan? Live for the moment!!

Then again, you’ll know you have WAY too damned money when…you spend $299 on a satin baguette holder.

I wish I were kidding.

Why, you ask? If you must inquire, you don’t understand the aesthetic brilliance of the Gohar Satin Baguette Bag, though, at $239, it’s priced to be exclusive. Not just any member of the proletariat will be sashaying through the village square with a baguette bag that fairly screams, “I’M RICH, BITCH!!”

Dahling, she looks FABULOUS…just like Audrey Hepburn! If Audrey was carrying a $239 Gohar Satin Baguette Bag, of course.

Now, we all know we look super cute walking down the street carrying a shopping bag with a baguette sticking out of it, knowing that everyone who sees us is like "Is she French? She must have very chic dinner plans that definitely do not include eating a whole baguette by herself in bed while watching The Real Housewives of Potomac!" Even cuter if it is in a bag on the front of a bicycle.

This not cute! It will not make you look like Amelié at all, plus it's $300.

Of course, for those who couldn’t care less about making an impression but still want something unique, the Goop Gift Guide isn’t about to leave you behind. Instead, it’s got something for those wanting something a wee bit more nouveau riche and New Age-y.

Of course, like most anything advertising New Age products, the Goop Gift Guide is long, turgid, and features products overpriced and wholly superfluous. In other words, it’s perfect for those with more money than sense!

Oh, look, it’s a pompous, overdone, 12-minute song you must pretend to be thrilled by. And it comes at the low, low (well, not really) price of $225!

Being the curious sort, I checked the planetary alignment during my birth. I learned that the planets were aligned over a tire fire in Soweto, a famine in Belgian Congo, and a fuel dump fire at the Beirut airport. Not exactly the sort of thing that would inspire a memorable personalized soul song.

My soul song would’ve sounded like two wounded cats mating, so I decided to pass. Perhaps some other time, eh?

Some folks might be more fortunate, though.

"A 12-minute piano composition inspired by the planetary alignment during their birth."

First of all, no one will ever be able to tell if it is really inspired by the planetary alignment during their birth or not, even if they were totally woo-y like that. What? Are they gonna be like "Sounds real Jupiter-y right here — not sure this is correct!" Second, what kind of monster makes someone sit and listen to a 12 minute song? You'd have to do so much nodding, like "Oh wow this is really great, very much feeling the Mercury!" for 12 whole minutes.

And let’s not forget the gift that launched the Goop empire:

Does any man need a candle that smells like his wife’s hoo-hah?

Guys, I think we can all agree on that, yes??

For those of you who are looking for a gift that’s perhaps a wee bit less…unique, you can find the Goop Gift Guide here. No, that’s not free advertising. But you deserve this if you’ve got that much extra money to burn.

Knock yourself out, y’all. May your VISA be maxed out and your bank account in the red.

Even if you missed Christmas, you can still spend yourself into white slavery. After all, financial responsibility is for those who don’t have trust funds.