Being A Dumbass Is No Excuse For Being A Transphobe

This is especially true when your righteous outrage only hurts yourself...but you're too stupid to understand it

Anyone who discounts you is a dumbass," I muttered as the golf cart jerked forward.

"And are you a dumbass?" the Pigeon inquired as she peeked under the tarp.

"Absolutely not...I'm a smartass.”

• Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time

I’m all for principled moral protest. After all, a man must be able to draw a line in the sand, no? A wise man once said that if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything. I don’t remember who said that; it might’ve been an Uber driver taking me home after I indulged in a few too many Lemon Drops.

Yeah, that’s how I roll, bitches. But enough about me and my not-so-very-often-dissolute habits.

Nah, this is about a truly manly man, one Pauly Michaelis, who, I suspect, was all sorts of triggered by Anheuser-Busch’s campaign with transgender activist Dylan Mulvaney. So when it came out that Jack Daniels had done something similar, he flipped out.

Except that what JD did took place in 2021. And, when last I checked, the calendars I have say that it’s currently 2023.

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, (I don’t think I am), but isn’t seriously delayed outrage about as effective as no outrage at all? I’m still pissed that Gary Andersen missed the winning field goal that would’ve given the Minnesota Vikings the NFC Championship Game in 1999, but it’s a little late for outrage.

One kick. Andersen hadn’t missed one damned kick all season. Is one kick too much to ask??

Anyway, I digress….

Goodness, it seems like there are more and more sober transphobes by the day.

After many of them swore off Bud Light for partnering with trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney only to be educated on all the brands Anheuser-Busch brews, it seems MAGA man-children everywhere are discovering their libations of choice are too "woke" for consumption.

The newest viral mantrum comes to us from New Jersey where pub owner Pauly Michaelis—the self-dubbed "biggest advocate and supporter of Jack Daniel's"—torched his collected JD bottles and memorabilia because of a resurfaced 2021 campaign from their partnership with RuPaul's Drag Race.

Oh, the humanity….

Of course, Michaelis, who clearly knew nothing of JD’s campaign two years ago, was incensed when he found out about it. And he declared THAT JACK DANIELS IS DEAD TO HIM. DEAD, I SAY.

Of course, he’s two years behind the curve, BUT PRINCIPLED OUTRAGE WAITS FOR NO MAN, I SAY!! NO MAN!! Even a doofus like Pauly Michaelis.

You have to feel sorry for the guy. He’s been drinking woke whiskey for two years now, and…well, I mean, just look at that picture! DRAG QUEENS!! OMG!! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!

GOD***N!!!! ALL THAT JACK DANIELS!!! WHAT IF IT TURNED ME WOKE??? OR GAY???

Or perhaps Michaelis was sickened because he didn’t like his reaction to seeing drag queens. Maybe he didn’t like the stirring he felt in his loins that made him suddenly question his sexuality or his life choices. Sure, it’s possible those questions that he’d repressed his entire life began to resurface, and he couldn’t stomach that.

And so he blamed Jack Daniels for his intense moral discomfort.

Maybe the pearl-clutching made him intensely uncomfortable and confused, and he longed for the soft, warm comfort of the closet he’d spent his life hiding in. And perhaps he knew that the only way to get back there was to publicly declare his outrage and, therefore, his masculinity by destroying everything he owned that said “Jack Daniels.”

So, to document his “I’ll-Show-The-Woke-Assholes” rage and prove that he was serious about his (purely symbolic and ultimately pointless) boycott, he posted a video on Facebook. After all, it’s not documented White Conservative Christian heterosexual patriotic manhood if it’s not documented on social media, eh?

"For those of you who know me well my drink has always been Jack Daniels."

"For over 150 years since 1866 this drink was always associated with cowboys, warriors, bikers, savage rock bands and all American bad a** people."

"THEY WENT WOKE"

He then added a middle finger emoji to his video for emphasis. Just in case anyone might have been wondering about his state of mind.

"Jasper Newton is turning over in his grave. THEY took a classic tradition of Americana that was the total definition of masculinity and made it WOKE and for this I say F**K YOU JD and all of your products."

"You will never have the honor of touching my lips ever again."

Honestly, I’m not so sure it was the hard taste of Jack Daniels that he was worried might touch his lips. Hence, the hypermasculine video.

He then brought out his JD paraphernalia and threw them into a trash can.

Immediately after came the bar signs and the bottles of whiskey which he poured into a fire pit and set ablaze.

"Here's the deal: You went woke. So, here's what I got for you guys."

Two of the world's most expensive Jack Daniel's."

"Two-hundred fifty dollars a bottle, and one hundred dollars a bottle."

"F**k your woke-a** company."

Michaelis then ignited the mess in the fire pit and signed off with a two-middle-finger salute.

Qué macho, no?

Sí…WE GOT WOOD!!!

Uh…no. And the Twitterati was more than happy to weigh in on Michaelis’ epic display of dumbassery:

I half-expected to see Michaelis end the show with an AR-15 he fired into the evening sky to the dulcet tones of Lee Greenwood’s God Bless The USA. I was disappointed that there wasn’t a big, patriotic finish to the proceedings.

Ultimately, it was much ado about nothing.

In the end, Jack Daniels is laughing all the way to the bank, and Pauly Michaelis is a world-class dumbass with a firepit full of charred broken glass and the memory of what used to be some very expensive whiskey.

What did he accomplish in venting his righteous outrage over a JD campaign that took place TWO YEARS ago? Besides clearing some space on the shelves where he once kept his JD collection? Well, he embarrassed himself online, demonstrated himself to be a transphobic dumbass, and made a “statement” that said nothing of import to anyone.

Because the campaign that Michaelis lost his shit over happened in 2021. Yeah, I think his window for outrage had long since come and gone.

‘Course, this is America, where one’s free to be a dumbass for any reason or none at all. Why? Because that’s what the 1st Amendment does for us. Those of us with an ounce of common sense are free to have a laugh at the expense of Pauly Dumbass Michaelis, who doesn’t have two functioning brain cells to rub together.

Don’tcha just LOVE America? Where freedom of expression can, at times, be rather entertaining? It’s a place where good, God-fearing White Conservative Christian heterosexual patriots can vent their spleens about nothing of substance. But they’re so cute and sincere that you want to hug them.

Uh, no, it doesn't make me want to hug them. On the contrary, they make me want to lose my lunch, but if it makes them feel masculine and vital, then who am I to cast aspersions?

Now where did I put that bottle of Jack Daniels?