Doctor, Could My Barbecue Sauce Be Transgender???

Newt Gingrich and Charlie Kirk feed the fire of the Right-wing Outrage Machine

Being an asshole brings you good fortune. And I believe it is good for the globe.

• Sapphire Osborne

“I don’t want kids.”

“Why?”

“My family has a genetic defect and I don’t want to pass it on.”

“What kind of defect?”

“We’re assholes.”

• Bijou Hunter, Damaged and the Knight

Sometimes I have to wonder…is it just me, or are Conservatives just phenomenally shitty people who are far too concerned with what others do with their lives? I mean, who cares what people do behind closed doors? If two consenting adults engage in consensual sexual conduct, whether of the heterosexual or homosexual variety, how does that negatively impact anyone else?

The short version, of course, is that it doesn’t, though if you listen to Conservatives, they seem to believe that two gays or lesbians having consensual sex is a sin, just (barely) this side of Joe Biden being President.

As a very sage man once said, Conservatives are f*****g lunatics.

Amid everything else, we saw a couple things yesterday that just really illustrate how diseased the conservative brain has become. Or maybe we are the crazy ones and this is exactly what regular normal Americans want to hear.

Newt Gingrich formed this thought and tweeted it on purpose sometime yesterday afternoon just as Donald Trump was headed to the courthouse to get witch hunted for stealing nuclear secrets. Imagine explaining this to an alien visiting earth, or somebody who died six months ago.

"If they could the Biden Administration would force every American to drink Bud Light and shop at Target." For those are the true marks of tyranny. First they forced me to go to Target and I was like OK sure, I need TV trays and underpants. Then they forced me to drink Bud Light and I was like OK, do you have any other kinds of beer? That's not my favorite one. But they were like no, we only have this one, and I was like OK, because I wanted a beer. Then ...

WHAT IS THE "THEN"? WHAT'S NEXT?

There is no tyranny. No one’s forcing any good, God-fearing White Conservative Christian heterosexual to drink Bud Light or go to Target. No one’s forcing them to go to Garth Brooks’ bar. No one’s forcing them to wear leather, choke on a ball gag, or wear a butt plug three sizes too large.

In short, Conservatives like Charlie Kirk worry about nothing of import because they’d lack a reason to exist without the Right-wing Outrage Machine. And if they couldn’t monetize their faux outrage, they’d have to get real jobs. And that, ladies and germs, would suck donkey balls…at least for them.

Kirk, of course, if to reasonable, rational discourse what nuclear warfare is to peaceful coexistence. His misogyny, homophobia, and arrogance are unequaled, yet he’s somehow managed to monetize that. Stupid isn’t a handicap for Conservatives; it’s a career move.

Yesterday on his show, Charlie Kirk responded to reports that Starbucks had removed its Pride decorations — fucking cowards if so, but Starbucks says the union that reported that is full of shit, so stay tuned for clarification — by gloating and pushing some shitty conservative coffee for conservatives, we don't know. And he said these words:

“We are now having to — I’m guilty of this. I’m going through my kitchen, I’m going through my refrigerator, and I’m starting to ask the question, was is this ketchup bottle woke? Is this mustard?

“I mean literally, we’re at the place now where we have to go through, is the company that makes this woke?”

That is definitely normal and doesn't make him sound like an absolute lunatic to all normal people. I open my refrigerator and try to find out if my ketchup is woke. Is my mustard? Is my barbecue sauce transgender? Does my mayonnaise have pronouns? Did my beer say hello to Dylan Mulvaney? Are all my condiments full of cum? Cool story, normal man.

Combine that with his message this weekend that women who want to be surgeons should at least consider being pregnant chattel wives instead, and you've got an electoral winner, we bet.

I’m sorry, but if you’re going through your kitchen and refrigerator to determine if food and beverages are “woke,” you’re a 24-karat, world-class, top-shelf, USDA Prime, first-class, Grade-A, #1 idiot. Worse, you have nothing of value to contribute to society.

Food and beverages aren’t “woke.” They don’t have pronouns, nor do they push political agendas. Conservatives are so tied up in knots over the politics of companies that they’ve allowed themselves to become parodies of anything rational.

When people begin worrying about Chick-Fil-A putting “tranny semen” in their frosted lemonade, you know that they’ve gone off the deep end almost to the point of being irredeemable.

I saw this on Facebook and had to wonder what it is that Conservatives are so terrified of. “Woke” skincare? WTAF is going on here? Do we now have to vet all of our products for ideological purity? And why are some of these products marketed to us based on said ideological “purity?” Do they not realize they’re restricting the amount of money they can make by segmenting the market?

This stuff may make you look 20 years younger; I don’t care. I wouldn’t buy it simply because of the smug and arrogant way it’s marketed.

“Tired of Woke? Us Too.” Well, f**k you, Poindexter; you probably can’t even define “woke.”

Who gives a damn? You’re selling a product, and you’ve just managed to piss off close to half of your potential market because of your arrogant self-superiority.

And just WTF is a “conservative skincare brand,” anyway?? Y’all are seriously too dim for words.

So, what’s next? Telling us there are no Pride flags in your offices? Or that you don’t serve Bud Light at your office parties? Or perhaps that your company doesn’t have diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives? That you don’t allow for maternity leave? Or time off after the birth of a child? Or that you don’t have any employee assistance or mental health programs?

That’s right; REAL Americans don’t talk about their problems. They’ll drink themselves stupid until no one can tolerate them. Then they swallow a shotgun and blow their brains against a garage wall. Problem solved.

No, you’re a company straight out of the 1950s, and you’re proud of it- even if you have trouble attracting and keeping good people on your payroll.

So, yes, Conservative ARE f*****g lunatics. They’re just too arrogant and self-righteous to own up to the truth of it. They’re scared of everything and unwilling to admit the world is changing in ways that don’t meet with their approval.

Well, guess what? The world doesn’t owe it to them (or anyone else) to seek their approval whenever something changes…because if it did, nothing would ever change. We’d still be firing muskets at one another from 20 paces…and bleeding ourselves with leeches.

Here’s the message Conservatives need to find a way to internalize: “Woke” isn’t the problem. Bud Light isn’t the problem. The LGBTQ community isn’t the problem. Pride month (and the Pride flag) isn’t the problem. “Woke” chicken at Chick-Fil-A isn’t the problem. “Woke” skincare isn’t the problem.

What IS the problem? Conservatives who are unwilling to accept that the world doesn’t revolve around their fear-based values and prejudices. The world doesn’t owe it to them or anyone else to conform to their expectations, values, fears, and/or biases.

So, what terrifies Conservatives today? Who cares? Let them marinate in their fear and narrow-mindedness. The rest of us will carry on with our lives.