"Fuck you. After what you've done to Donald Trump, fuck you."

Yeah, well...no one put a gun to his head and forced him to fuck Stormy Daniels and then try to buy her silence, did they?

Judging by the caterwauling of MAGA apologists and Republican politicians, you’d think that Joe Biden and the Democrats had sent Stormy Daniels to Donald Trump’s hotel room in 2006 in a brazen act of entrapment. Yes, they KNEW that 18 years later, they’d be able to use the Duke of Shitferbrainz’s act of marital infidelity against him and convict him of 34 felonies in New York State.

So far, their diabolical plot appears to be working brilliantly, wouldn’t you say? Their evil plan demonstrates that Democrats can outthink and outplan Republicans any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

What a fucking BRILLIANT idea, yeah? Biden and his handlers KNEW that 18 years down the road, he’d be President, running for re-election against Donald Trump, and that they’d be able to nail Lord Stumblefuck for stupidly turning a misdemeanor into 34 felonies.

Now MAGA morons and Republican politicians are beside themselves, apoplectic at having been outthought and outmaneuvered. Their hero is looking at the possibility of being sentenced to prison—and this is only his first trial.

The good news for Democrats is that Dolt 45 will forever be known to them as “Convicted Felon Donald Trump” or perhaps even “Convicted Felon (and known rapist) Donald Trump.” It’s almost too good to be true.

Former President Donald Trump, top Republican officials, MAGA movement leaders, and dominionist religious-right figures, all reacted badly to Trump’s May 30 conviction on 34 felony counts. A jury of citizens found that he repeatedly broke the law while trying to prevent embarrassing information about his sexual dalliance with a porn star from hurting his 2016 presidential campaign.

Even before the verdict, Trump and his allies had denounced the trial as rigged, smeared the judge, and portrayed Trump as the victim of political persecution. When the jury’s verdicts were announced Thursday afternoon, the MAGA Republican martyrdom machinery went into full swing. Right-wing figures attacked the judge, jury, prosecutors, and President Biden, who they accused of masterminding the prosecution. Trump cultist Joey Mannarino accused them all of committing treason before taking to Twitter to have a vulgar meltdown.

Committing treason? Based on someone’s bad acid flashback? Because you didn’t get the verdict you wanted? Things worked as they were supposed to. The defense and prosecution both had the opportunity to make their case and then 12 anonymous jury members reviewed the evidence. That they returned 34 guilty verdicts in less than 10 hours suggests there was little dissent and that the evidence against Lord Stumblefuck was pretty solid.

That’s not treason; it’s the American judicial system working as it should. Joey Mannarino, whoever the fuck he is, can eat a big ol’ bag of dicks.

It seems like everyone on the Right is using the verdict for their own purposes, much of it related to money.

I am shocked—SHOCKED!!—that Donald Trump and Republicans would be fundraising off 34 felony convictions. Well, no, I’m not at all surprised.

Trump himself denounced the trial as “rigged.” In a series of text messages tied to fundraising asks, Trump called himself a “political prisoner” and declared, “JUSTICE IS DEAD IN AMERICA! Our country has FALLEN!” Trump called on his supporters to mobilize “IMMEDIATE PUSHBACK SO MASSIVE IT WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY!” and added, “WE MUST MAKE JOE BIDEN REGRET EVER COMING AFTER US!”

SO much overcooked hyperbole—but all it does is show that:

1. Justice is NOT dead in America. Twelve jurors reviewed the evidence and determined that Lord Stumblefuck was guilty. That’s how justice works in America.

2. Our country has hardly “fallen.” It’s still standing, and nothing has changed substantially.

3. Joe Biden didn’t “come after” you or the Duke of Shitferbrainz. The President had nothing to do with this case. It was a state case brought by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg. President Biden was an interested bystander like the rest of us.

Trump, his son Don Jr., and daughter-in-law Lara, all sent fundraising emails. In one of them, Trump said the trial was a “sick & twisted” effort to turn his supporters against him. “NOW IT’S TIME FOR ME & YOU TO SHOVE IT BACK IN THEIR CORRUPT FACES!” he ranted. Trump called the day of his convictions the “darkest day in American history!” Junior repeated the claim that his dad is a “political prisoner” and called America “a third-world shithole.” Lara called Trump’s conviction an “assault on America” and accused Democrats of “using a SHAM TRIAL to silence, imprison, and ERASE PRESIDENT TRUMP FROM HISTORY!” Right-wing media reported that the flood of contributions from Trump supporters overwhelmed his fundraising site.

Perhaps it’s time for Donnie Jr. to put down the coke spoon and pull his thumb out of his ass. No one was trying to turn his father’s supporters against him. It was about accountability. If everything was so above board, why was Dolt 45 trying to hide the fact that the payment to Stormy Daniels was about buying her silence? Why did he compound a misdemeanor with other crimes and turn it into a felony?

Mango Mussolini did himself in; what happened to him is his responsibility, not anyone else’s. Period. End of story. No questions allowed.

1. Donald von Shitzenpantz is not a “political prisoner.” To suggest otherwise is laughable.

2. America is hardly “a third-world shithole.” I’ve lived and traveled in a couple of those, so if Jr. wants to compare notes, I could show him what a “third-world shithole” looks like. It’s not America—well, except perhaps for Appalachia or Louisiana.

3. No one—and I mean NO ONE—is trying to “erase President Trump from history.” Spare us the cheap fucking hyperbole, willya? It just makes you sound desperate and stupid.

4. This circus is just another cheap, overcooked fundraising opportunity for you.

Trump’s capture and corruption of the Republican Party is on full display. When the guilty verdicts were announced, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson declared, “Today is a shameful day in American history.” Johnson claimed the trial was “evidence that Democrats will stop at nothing to silence dissent and crush their political opponents”—some high-level gaslighting considering that is actually what Trump has been promising to do if he gets back into power. The Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell fumed that the criminal charges “never should have been brought in the first place.”

The only thing shameful is the way MAGA morons and Republican politicians have reacted to Trump’s convictions. When presented with an opportunity to break free of Trump’s bullying and corruption, they instead knelt before him and serviced him as they always do. They have no spine or moral center; they do what Dear Leader tells them and think what he demands of them.

Right-wing Trump supporters went ballistic. Culture warrior Matt Walsh railed that he didn’t want to hear statements from Republicans condemning the verdict. “The only thing I want to hear from these people is which Democrats they will have arrested,” he posted on social media. “Don’t tell us that you’re sad about the verdict. We don’t give a shit about your feelings. We want to see corrupt Democrats frog marched on camera in handcuffs. If you won’t do that, then shut up.”

Never mind that there’s no legal or constitutional basis for what Walsh demands, nor is there evidence that Democrats have violated any laws. Democrats aren’t the criminals here. The only criminal is “Convicted Felon Donald J. Trump.” He was tried by the Manhattan DA’s office and then convicted by a jury of his peers. There was nothing untoward, immoral, unethical, or illegal about his trial.

The only complaint MAGA morons could have, of course, is the verdict, which didn’t go as they would’ve wished. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong, immoral, unethical, or illegal in ANY shape, manner, or form, of course—only that they don’t like it.

The guilt or innocence of the Duke of Shitferbrainz is immaterial to the intellectual and moral lightweights. They don’t care whether he’s guilty in the legal sense. The only thing they believe is that, to their way of thinking, he should’ve been acquitted. Why? They don’t have a sound reason (other than he’s Donald FUCKING Trump), but they’re convinced he’s innocent regardless of whatever evidence may be arrayed against him.

“Evidence?” Who gives a fuck about “evidence?” That’s for losers and Liberals, don’tchaknow?

Eric Metaxas declared that the guilty verdict was “like a lynching” while fellow right-wing commentator Charlie Kirk proclaimed that “they just executed a legal assassination.” Far-right activist Ali Alexander claimed that “Today is January 6th for the entire nation,” and former Trump administration official William Wolfe welcomed everyone “to the United Soviet States of America.”

Sadly, there isn’t a functional and fair-minded aggregate IQ between the four of those intellectual and moral cream puffs. The overcooked hyperbole and the ridiculously overdone imagery are the sort of things that make you think Christian Nationalists aren’t sending their best. They’re losers, liars, half-wits, and some, I assume, are good people.

Speaking of terrible resolve, far-right pastor Joshua Feuerstein asked, “At what point do we take up arms?” Never one to be outdone, far-right broadcaster Stew Peters, who has a record of calling for political violence, did so again, tweeting, “Our judicial system has been weaponized against the American people,” adding, “We are left with NO other option but to take matters into our own hands,” a statement he followed with an emoji of crossed swords. In case Peters wasn’t clear enough, he followed that up with a tweet that simply said, “It’s time” and featured a photo of a noose.

(cheery imagery courtesy of Stew Peters)

These assclowns aren’t good people, not by a long shot. They mean for their overwrought verbal imagery to distract the intellectually bereft from the fact that none of them have a serious argument to contradict the verdict against Donny Diaperfull. All they have to offer is smoke, mirrors, impotent anger, and cheap, overdone hyperbole.

They’re assholes and parasites who’ve discovered how to monetize rage, and they’ve turned it into a lucrative career move.

Hey, it beats working, right?

They don’t care about the rule of law, democracy, or anything else that makes this country unique. All they care about is what they can milk from the anger of easily enraged knuckle-dragging MAGA morons who will drain their checkbooks at a moment’s notice to fund their intrepid hero and his defenders.

P.T. Barnum was right. There really is a sucker born every minute—and they’re wearing red MAGA hats and “FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!!” t-shirts.

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