Fukitol- Because Sometimes Not Caring Is The Best Revenge

Better living through chemistry...which was never my best subject

Being laid low with COVID-19 plays with your head, especially if you’re a writer who spends as much time in my head as I do. That can be particularly strange at times, but in a creative sense, it can yield some exciting results. So while I have aspirations to write advertising copy…well, if this works for you, it’s my creativity speaking. If it doesn’t, blame it on the virus. Cheers….

𝕐o̴g̴ @Yoda4ever

Hi..🐼👋

Yeah, I know. It’s the dog days of August, or as I like to call it, the “F**k it days.” Temperatures are hot, tempers are short, no one’s getting laid, there’s nothing good on TV, and the NFL season is still a month away. So what’s there to care about? Precious little, eh? The dog days of August are a veritable cornucopia of “who gives a sh*t??”

Ah, f**k it, amiright?? Gas is too expensive. Our paychecks are too short and too far off. Don’t even talk to us about our next vacation, which feels like it’s not until mid-2025. The wife is cranky, the kids are bored, and all you want to do is rent a room at the Four Seasons and spend a long weekend playing Russian Roulette with five full chambers.

Days like this demand Fukitol, Big Pharma’s new magic helper that will make Severance look like a walk in the park. With Fukitol, you can take not giving a f**k to new and never-before anticipated levels. Marriage, work, children, friendships, bills, hobbies?

FUKITOL!!

Fukitol is brought to you by Mutant Technologies, the fine folks who brought you Growacet, the pill that helps you reach deep into your core and find the courage to do what needs to be done.

GROWACET- For those times when you need to man-up, grow a pair, and do the hard stuff.

Because we all need some help once in a while, no?

Fukitol is co-sponsored by Breaking Point Laboratories, the makers of Damitol, for those moments when you’ve had enough of everyone’s shit and are close to reaching your breaking point.

DAMITOL- For those moments when you’ve had enough and want to start kicking ass and taking names. It’s safe and is FDA-, CIA-, IRS-, and CBS-approved, and it’s guaranteed to result in less random bloodshed than reaching for a rack of grenades.

Damitol provides 24-hour protection from hoisting your co-workers on their own petard or gutting them like a ninja. Prescription-strength Damitol provides more extended protection. Unfortunately, it also carries the possibility of significant side effects. These include, but aren’t limited to, inappropriate use of explosives, throwing stars, and Louisville Sluggers.

After years of research and development under harsh and unrelenting conditions by scientists in the Russian penal system, Fukitol was highly effective on Russian soldiers programmed to be deployed in human wave assaults. For example, when given 1000 mg. of Fukitol, Russian soldiers would follow lemmings off a cliff or storm a machine gun nest armed only with a copy of Wicked Wenches of Vladivostok.

Of course, once American pharmaceutical companies got ahold of the Russian research, they learned there was a sizable market for people who no longer wanted to care. These people could smoke marijuana and spend their lives glued to their sofas, but not all of them wished for 24/7/365 couchlock. They wanted to go on with their lives, but they didn’t want to care.

Thus, Fukitol was born, and an entire demographic that hadn’t known they were craving the ability not to give a f**k wanted not to care more than anything. And the feeling of not giving a f**k hooked them. Hard.

Of course, no one talks about the side effects of Fukitol, which, while rare, can be unfortunate. Sure, there can be furry palms, non-stop masturbation, and the conviction that one is either Wink Martindale or Randy Rainbow. Some people develop the ability to tune in to Canadian radio stations on their dental fillings. Others become sexually attracted to farm animals, RAM trucks, Tom Selleck, or Simon Cowell. But the worst side effect is virulent Republicanism, for which there’s no cure.

The only way to know that one is afflicted is the development of an unnatural admiration for Donald Trump and the Big Lie, as well as the belief that the January 6th insurrection was merely a “normal tourist visit.” This person also opposes affordable insulin, free school lunches for the poor, public works programs, and same-sex marriage. They also scream “LET’S GO, BRANDON!!” at exceedingly inopportune moments- like funerals, book signings, or formal dinners.

While impacting only a relatively small number of patients on Fukitol, researchers can’t predict these side effects ahead of time. They happen randomly and without warning. Furthermore, once observed in a patient, these side effects cannot be reversed and worsen with time.

So far, Fukitol has proven to be a less than perfect solution, but it has helped millions of Americans not to give a f**k. About anything. And for some folks, that’s been a lifesaver, even if they develop an unnatural affinity for red baseball caps.

So, why not Fukitol? Millions already have! Life can be SO much better when you Fukitol!!