Girls Just Wanna Have Guns
And boys are looking for housewives to crank out MAGA babies
(thanks to Stacey Eskelin for the inspiration)
Hey, Johnny Reb!! Are you tired of not being able to get any decent nookie? Are the women you take home weak, spineless Libruls with hair in places there shouldn’t be any? Are you tired of women rejecting you because you’re a Trump-loving, red-blooded, America-first, MAGA-fied patriot? Do you want a woman willing to do unspeakable things in the bedroom at night and make you a bacon-and-eggs breakfast in the morning with a Glock 18 in her waistband? Do you want your woman to know how to field strip and reassemble an AR-15 in less than 90 seconds?
Righteous American women!! Are you sick of men who are more feminine and spend more time getting ready for a night out than you do? Are you tired of never meeting the kind of man you want- a man who LOVES Donald Trump as he does Jesus Christ, reveres America, AND knows his way around an AR-15? Do you dream of a man who can field-dress a deer, drop a bear from 1000 yards, and bring you to a screaming orgasm when he brings bear meat home for dinner?
Do y’all dream of perfect White MAGA babies that you can train up in the ways of the Lord Jesus Christ and Donald Trump (not necessarily in that order)? Children who will grow up to protect America and White heterosexual Christians from the evils of Brown people and the LGBTQ community?
Well, despair no more, fair and faithful Patriots, because Ryann McEnany knows your pain and frustration. Best of all, her new dating sight, “The Right Stuff,” is a pronoun-free environment, for as the Greatest of Patriots once said, “My name is Ted Cruz, and my pronouns are ‘Kiss my ass!’”
If you are Kayleigh McEnany's sister Ryann with two N's — what, why is that funny? — you might think this week is the absolute PERFECT time to roll out your new dating app for conservatives who just wanna fuck but don't want to have to say their pronouns to do it. People who are sick and tired of most of humanity looking at them like they're morons and/or monsters just because the only real thrills they get up their legs are from Jesus and Donald Trump, but not in that order, and mostly just from Trump.
Well HERE IT IS. It is called
The Last ResortThe Right Stuff, and that is a play on words, do you get it, hey do you get it, hey do you get it, hey do you get it?
The best thing is that you get all the arrogance and self-righteousness at no extra charge…BECAUSE IT’S ALL FREE!! Yes, that’s right, y’all, if you’re a Conservative and want to find and schtup a good, God-fearing, White, Conservative, Christian, heterosexual (at least for one night) partner, Ryann McEnany’s here for you.
Oh, wait…it’s free only for the ladies? Sorry, I must have missed that part. Hmm; it’s almost as if “The Right Stuff” (d’ya get the joke?) is a honeypot.
So Conservative guys can get access to premium memberships and meet women they want to make MAGA babies with, but they gotta pay???
Sounds about White.
The White way??
I should also mention the spin-off, fascistsonly.com
Ah, to be young, arrogant, and not particularly well-versed in the ways of the world. Or, in the words of Ms. McEnany: “We're sorry that you've had to endure years of bad dates and wasted time with people that don't see the world our way, the right way.”
Yeah, because Conservatives have been SO successful when they’ve been in power. I could trot out economic numbers, but why beat a dead horse? Democrats, on average, reduce deficits. Republicans balloon them. Don’t believe me? Check the numbers.
Republicans also tend to be more corrupt. I could list the many ways they’ve repeatedly demonstrated that they can’t manage the federal government, but if you’ve been paying attention, you already know.
But please do go ahead and continue lecturing the studio audience, Ms. McEnany, about how the Conservative way is the right way.
And y’all go ahead and continue swiping White. Perhaps you’ll find patriots like this steaming hunk of White patriotic MAGA manhood:
Because, as any White patriot knows, manners- things like kindness and decency- are no longer required when you’re dealing with Librul reporters- especially attractive females.
‘Cuz it’s not like they’re going to f**k you, anyway, amiright?? So why not treat them like the Librul trash they are?
Tired of dating apps where you don't get the opportunity to resent and/or discriminate against people different from you while you're swiping left or right? Feel like you're not even allowed to fight the Fox News culture war inside your underpants these days?
McEnany goes on to explain that in order to get going on The Right Stuff, you build your "perfect profile, NO PRONOUNS NECESSARY." That's right, you don't even HAVE pronouns on this here Bumble Grinder for Young Deplorable Unfuckables. Don't go calling a lady "her" or a gentleman "he," because the Woke Police will show up at your door and ask if somebody ordered a pizza!…
In other words, we're sorry all these liberals and other people with a moral compass refuse to fuck you, even though you are white and feel entitled. Don't worry, once all the normal people are pulled out of the dating pool and it's just rightwing Trumpers left, it'll still be sexy and not just a bunch of Charlie Kirk wannabes sitting around trading pictures of their [Ed. note- insert preferred childish nickname for your unused male member here]
So, incel, inbreds, and MAGA virgins unite!! Finally, you (might) have a chance of bedding a woman without having to violate a restraining order. (That’s as long as your name isn’t Roosh V. Nothing, not even a Conservative dating site, will convince anything with a vagina to sleep with him.)
The “good” news, I suppose, is that “The Right Stuff” reduces the odds of incels complaining that women won’t f**k them- as if they’re the pinnacle of male humanity and women somehow owe them sex. It gets tiresome running across social media posts by incels who constantly complain they can’t get any nookie. There’s no way to feel sympathy for these fools because of their massive sense of entitlement. Perhaps if they weren’t so full of themselves, they could concentrate on being better people. Women tend to like guys who aren’t assholes, knowhutimean? And it’s really not that difficult to be nice.
So perhaps even “The Right Stuff” won’t be enough for some incels because some don’t understand that women aren’t going to drop to their knees before them immediately. Or want to climb into bed right after “hello.”
The reason they’re incels and are likely to remain so is that they don’t respect (or even like) women. They think of them as the “weaker sex,” who should inevitably want to A) meet them, B) blow them, and/or C) f**k them. (Truthfully, women with any brains want to D) give them a wide berth and avoid them whenever possible.)
Ya know, kids, it doesn’t quite work that way. But you’re going to have to figure that one out for yourselves.
Anyway, if you’re a member of the master race, you now have your own dating site. How cool is that? And the good news is that the swastikas armbands are optional!!
Yeah, I know. You can thank me later.
The Walmart Commandoes, who can't find their own feet (never mind their winkie) because their gut is too far in the way, finally get to show off all they've got to offer.