God hates us and wishes we would eat a bag of dicks (the dance mix)

In which Jack argues that Elise Stefanik, Andrew Torba, and Alina Habba are wastes of meat sacks

Time for another trip around the sun. Today’s my 64th birthday, which is apropos of absolutely nothing other than it explains why everything hurts. But, while I’m trying to figure out how old I am in dog years, please enjoy this tongue-firmly-implanted-in-cheek look at some of the folks who make our fucked-up world the genuinely entertaining place it is.

Thank you for being here…because otherwise I’d be screaming into the void, and that would be no fun at all.

• Jack

Melania APPALLED Husband On Trial For Crimes He Committed To Cover Up Banging Porn Star:

If there’s a person in Washington, DC, less worthy of sympathy for her plight than former First Lady Melania Trump, I’m at a loss to know who that might be. I know little about Mrs. Trump, and what I know isn’t particularly flattering, so I’ll take the high road and say I’m profoundly ambivalent about her.

That said, I’m happy she’s allowing her husband to twist in the wind during his hush money trial in New York, calling it “his problem.” Karma being what it is, one couldn’t blame Mrs. Trump if she were to bathe in schadenfreude with a few of the Bedminster pool boys.

Today let’s hear from the other person Trump (allegedly) lives with, his wife (that word doing a lot of hard work) Melania. She was reportedly very upset when she found out back in the day that her loving and otherwise faithful pussgrabber of a husband was in trouble for arranging and concealing secret peener payoffs to buy the campaign silence of a porn star he fucked while married to her.

That was then:

In January 2018, when she first saw reports that her husband had paid off a porn star, Melania Trump was furious. She jetted off to Palm Beach, leaving the president to languish in Washington. She eventually returned, only to take a separate car to Donald J. Trump’s first State of the Union address.

Guess there was some focus grouped reason she decided to pretend she didn’t know who she was married to.

Anyway, this is now:

As a criminal trial against Mr. Trump opened on Monday, on charges that he had falsified records to cover up that sex scandal involving Stormy Daniels, Mrs. Trump did not appear. She has long privately referred to the case involving Ms. Daniels as “his problem” and not hers.

But Mrs. Trump, the former first lady, shares his view that the trial itself is unfair, according to several people familiar with her thinking.

In private, she has called the proceedings “a disgrace” tantamount to election interference, according to a person with direct knowledge of her comments who could not speak publicly out of fear of jeopardizing a personal relationship with the Trumps.

Election interference? That’s rich.

Did she ever stop to consider that her husband’s payment to Stormy Daniels WAS election interference?

Sometimes, the hypocrisy in the Trump World clubs you over the head with its subtlety (not).

The Christian Nationalists At WallBuilders Insist Christian Nationalism Is Nothing To Worry About:

One way to convince people that you’re not a threat to them is by lying your ass off about who you are, what you want, and the methods you’ll use to achieve your goals. It’s a tactic that Christian Nationalists have long used and see no problem with. Dishonesty and lack of integrity in the service of Jesus Christ doesn’t seem to be an issue for these folks.

Morality and integrity are for losers, atheists, and Liberals, after all.

The American Taliban is looking to set up the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, and all’s fair in love and war.

The Christian nationalist pseudo-historians at WallBuilders dedicated Monday’s episode of their “WallBuilders Live” radio program to dismissing concerns about Christian nationalism. They did so by intentionally misrepresenting what Christian nationalism actually is, with David Barton, who is in many ways the intellectual father of the modern Christian nationalist ideology, creating a definition that was so broad as to be practically meaningless.

“They say that if you believe that there is a difference between men’s and women’s sports, you’re a Christian nationalist,” Barton claimed. “If you think that Roe v. Wade should be overturned, you’re Christian nationalist. If you believe that you should place constitutionalists on the Supreme Court rather than social activists, you’re a Christian nationalist. If you believe that there should be a border wall, you’re a Christian nationalist. If you believe in enacting tax cuts, they say that’s a characteristic of Christian nationalists is they want tax cuts. If you want to reduce welfare spending … Here’s what they said that Christian nationalists oppose: They oppose critical race theory, they oppose pornographic books in schools, they oppose embryonic stem cell research, they oppose gun control. This sounds like most Americans.”

While these are certainly things that Christian nationalists believe, believing them does not necessarily make one a Christian nationalist, and that is because Christian nationalism is less about what sorts of specific policies one supports than about how one views the role of Christians in society and government.

“This sounds like most Americans.” I would debate that, but Christian Nationalists love to portray themselves as good ol’ boys- actual American working-class types just like you and me. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

• Most Americans have no idea what Critical Race Theory is.

• Most Americans have a very different definition of “pornography” than your average Christian Nationalist, who consume their fair share of porn on the QT.

• Most Americans don’t know enough about embryonic stem cell research to have an informed opinion.

• Most Americans SUPPORT common-sense gun control because they’re sick and tired of mass shootings.

Most importantly, Americans overwhelmingly support the separation of Church and State. They don’t want the god of the American Taliban in our public schools or our government.

Then again, the truth isn’t on the side of the Christian Nationalists, so lying has to be an acceptable tactic. When the truth doesn’t work for you, lies and propaganda are too often the only option when you’re serving the Lord, yeah?

Alina Habba Not Gonna Start Faking Smart TODAY. Sucks For You, Haters!:

Allegedly hot former Trump parking garage lawyer (and mean girl) Alina Habba has been all over the Right-wing Echo Chamber, giving her informed and esteemed opinion on Donald Trump’s “I did not have sex with that woman…and pay her” trial.

Though the first day of jury selection wasn’t exactly a laugh-a-minute, it did feature Crusty the Clown acting as if it was a personal insult that the New York judicial system dared try someone of his lofty stature for such a pedestrian transaction. After all, doesn’t everyone running for President fuck porn stars and buy their silence afterward? Why would you want them blabbing to the tabloids about every crease and hair on your Johnson?

Worse, why would you want them talking about the size and defining characteristics of your Purple-headed Yogurt Slinger ©? Now everyone in America knows that the head of Donald Trump’s penis is shaped like a mushroom. OMFG….

AAARRRGHHH…TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!! HOW DO I CLEANSE MY BRAIN OF THIS TRASH??!?!!!?

Here is Alina Habba, Donald Trump’s lawyer, on Fox News yesterday, talking about the trial for Mr. Snoozers and his big porn peener payoffs. Specifically she is talking about what a hard time they’ve had getting the whole jury picked and seated. (It’s actually not going that slowly.)

HABBA: I think that we’re seeing a painful, unfortunately, selection, because we’re in the state of New York, which is definitely by design. There is no question that Bragg bringing this in New York, look at the Fulton County DA, and so on and so forth, these venues are selected for exactly this reason, Martha, so that they have a blue state with a blue pool …

“Somebody said to me, 'Alina would you rather be smart or pretty,' and I said, 'Oh easy, pretty. I can fake being smart.'” Every day of her life is pretty clearly an exercise in taking that statement and saying BUT NOT TODAY, SATAN.

You might be tempted to argue that Habba is only playing stupid, that she’s saying these things because she knows the average person who watches Fox News has the brain of somebody who literally just had a “Looney Tunes” anvil fall on their head and nobody has removed it yet. But we are sorry, Occam’s Razor says she really is that stupid. This is Donald Trump’s lawyer we are talking about. He doesn’t exactly attract evil geniuses.

She’s literally saying DA Alvin Bragg bringing the case in New York is a conspiracy, as opposed to that simply beeing where he’s the district attorney, and where Trump committed the crimes. Just like in Fulton County and Washington DC. These venues are selected because they are where the prosecutor has jurisdiction and they are where Trump committed the oh fuck it, she’s too stupid to type it out like this.

The consensus is that no one in New York would hire Ms. Habba to defend them for anything more serious than a parking ticket.

As a legal commentator, she has the one quality Fox News looks for in a woman- would the viewers want to schtup her if they could kick her out of bed in the morning and be done with her?

You NEED Jesus. You just don’t know it yet.:

He seems nice….

I don’t care what everyone else wants because I know what’s best for everyone…and EVERYONE needs Jesus. They may not know it yet, and it may take some (forcible) convincing, but they realize in due course that they do, in fact, need their own personal “come to Jesus” moment.

Even if they’re hanging from a wall in the village square for being gay, a lesbian, an atheist, a transgender person, a Democrat, or not a White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual Patriot, they’ll still need Jesus. I’m going to give it to them.

Anyone who even THINKS about having an abortion should go to prison. Or worse.:

When was this clown last with a woman? The Twelfth of Never?

Anyone who performs, assists, contemplates, or even thinks about an abortion, even in the abstract, should be subjected to the most onerous possible penalties available under the law.

Society (i.e., men) must be willing to enforce uncompromising, inflexible standards of behavior and thought to protect children and babies. Therefore, thought crime and precrime must be swiftly punished without fail.

Elise Stefanik’s Hardscrabble Origins Included $1.2 Million Townhouse From Her Folks:

Man, it can’t be easy being Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY), what with having to pull herself up by her cheap-ass, worn-out bootstraps and all. Yet, despite the myriad hurdles she’s faced, she’s made it almost to the top of the political pyramid on Capitol Hill. All she had to do was to sell her soul, dignity, morals, and whatever remained of her values to Donald Trump, and Voila!, she’s the #2 person in the House power structure.

The self-created image of poor little Elise isn’t holding up to a bare minimum of scrutiny.

Quelle surprise, mon ami….

Elise Stefanik, the election-denying self-described “Ultra-MAGA” Republican rep from the 21st district of New York, talked upstate rubes into electing her in 2014 by touting her self-made humble beginnings. But turns out the construction of her image is shoddier than Carmela Soprano’s spec house, and the Daily Beast has the receipts!

When she was running for her seat back in 2014, she snarked to Democrat rival Aaron Wolf that he was “the only multimillionaire” in the race. “I’m proud of my experience working in my family’s small business. We sell plywood.” She said of her parents, “they risked, really, everything we had as a family to start a business from scratch, and it was very, very difficult,” she told C-SPAN host Steve Scully, evoking images of little Elise dressed in a hand-me-down flour sack, dining on gruel.

Wow, and here all this time, I thought she’d gotten through Harvard by working on her knees in Cambridge Square on the weekends.

It turns out that was never necessary.

Her parents started their company in 1991 with a Small Business Administration-guaranteed loan worth $335,000, or about $750k today, even though they owned a second home in Lake Champlain. Their business was successful enough that they put Elise through private school at Albany Academy for Girls (where she was a classmate of Cuomo-administration toxic avenger Melissa DeRosa), and bought Elise a $1.2 million townhouse on Independence Ave in DC when she was 26 years old, which is surely worth a shit ton more 12 years later. So much bootstrapping! 

When the existence of the townhouse was uncovered in 2014, Stefanik told the Adirondack Daily Enterprise that she was a minority investor, and that the company is in no way affiliated with her family’s business. Turns out, according to the DC Recorder of Deeds, shocker, that was a big fat lie! The only other “investors” in the house were Stefanik family members, who in 2016 refinanced the home, “splitting off a six-figure chunk of the mortgage to an entity called SKMM Properties, which bears her parents’ and brother’s initials.” Mmm, that silver spoon sure is delicious!

A decade ago, Stefanik ran as a moderate, condemning Donald Trump’s attack on the family of a Muslim soldier who died in Iraq, his proposed Muslim immigration ban, and his pussy-grabbing tape. In a message obtained by the New York Times, she called him a “whack job.” But he’s a whack job her constituents love, and in New York State, the farther North you go, the deeper South you get. 

Yeah, Donny Diaperfull was/is a “whack job,” but as time went by, Rep. Stefanik learned that to survive as a Republican, he needed to become her “whack job.” And so she drank the FoolAid and went full Trumpski.

These days, she does everything short of following him with a tube of lipstick and a pair of knee pads. Why should she when Mango Mussolini has Reps. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), Tom Massie (R-KY), Paul Gosar (R-AZ), and Marjorie Trailer Greene (R-GA) for that?

Though she voted against certifying Joe Biden as the winner of the 2020 election, on January 6 she did condemn the insurrection:

This is truly a tragic day for America. I fully condemn the dangerous violence and destruction that occurred today at the United States Capitol. Americans have a Constitutional right to protest and freedom of speech, but violence in any form is absolutely unacceptable and anti-American. The perpetrators of this un-American violence and destruction must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

But that sanity didn’t last long, and her lip service to principles was quickly subsumed by the lip service of kissing Trump’s droopy ass. Two years later she was teaming up with MTG to “un-impeach” Trump, as if that is a thing, has taken to calling the January 6 poop-smearers “hostages” and “political prisoners,” and has been screaming about how Hunter Biden opened the southern border with his dong. She pushed great replacement theory narratives, called her Democratic co-workers “pedos,” and slobbered on “Meet The Press” how honored she would be to work in the Trump administration.

Rep. Stefanik is, to use the technical term, “a lying POS.” Devoid of integrity, compassion, kindness, and anything resembling humanity, she’s a Right-wing careerist interested only in furthering her career prospects.

Kinda makes you wonder what she’s teaching her children about the importance of honesty and integrity, doesn’t it?

Then again, having grown up poor in Possum Holler, New York, she undoubtedly has much wisdom to impart to them.

Wottfukkinmaroon….

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