God hates us and wishes we would eat a bag of dicks (The "Old Yeller's Dead" mix)

Mom, why is that man drinking beer through a catfish?

These semi-regular tales of our American dystopian hellscape are brought to you by:

• South Dakota- SO much more than a wide spot and a post-nuclear hellscape on I-80. Come for our wide vistas, expansive prairies, and absence of COVID-19 vaccines. Stay because our Governor will shoot you like the flatulent dog you are if you try to leave. And,

• Fartz- After a long day in court, you and those within a 50-ft. radius of you will appreciate being rescued from the potential gas poisoning of any toxic waste cloud that could be traced to you. Our activated charcoal-lined undershorts will ensure that what happens in court STAYS in court. Fartz- when “silent but deadly” isn’t an option.

The weirdest thing I saw this week:

I grew up in The State of Hockey ©, so I’m well aware that the NHL playoffs can bring out the inner Neanderthal in both players and fans. Some fan bases have unique and unusual rituals that other parts of the U.S. and Canada- you know, where sober and otherwise rational people live- might misinterpret.

In Detroit, por ejemplo, Red Wings fans toss dead octopi onto the ice at Joe Louis Arena. What unexplainable force would possess someone to buy a dead octopus, sneak it past security into the arena, and then toss it over the plexiglass wall and onto the ice surface?

Even more unusual is the ritual of the arena crew, who clean up the mess and leave the ice twirling the poor dead octopus over their head.

Ick.

Ah, but I digress.

The weirdest thing I saw this weekend was Nashville Predators fans guzzling beer through a catfish. Yes, that’s a thing in Nashville, that noted hockey mecca.

I have only one question: How drunk does one have to be to think that guzzling beer through a catfish is a GREAT idea??

I can say with all appropriate conviction that I’ve NEVER been that drunk…and I’ve been blind, passed-out, drag-me-home-and-throw-me-in-bed-before-I-puke-on-your-new-shoes blitzed on numerous occasions during my dissolute youth.

This video is from five years ago, but I saw something on ESPN from a game in Nashville last night…which had me working to stifle my gag reflex.

Maybe you have to be from Tennessee (or too drunk to remain upright) to appreciate the challenge.

You can't fix stupid:

(And you can’t fix Bill Barr, which, by the powers of deductive reasoning, means that Bill Barr is…nah, that can’t be right, can it??)

When you think of Bill Barr, what do you think of (no editing, no holds barred, wrong answers only)? I can only speak for myself, of course, but a few things immediately leap to mind:

• ass-kissing

• groveling toady addicted to power

• no moral guardrails

• inveterate liar with horrible gambling debts and no self-esteem

• would probably (and repeatedly) back over his wife and children to be close to the seat of ultimate power

Yeah, it turns out

Steve Schmidt

, whom I respect but now and then have some philosophical issues with, and I are traveling the same path to Hell on this one:

I asked the person I love and respect most in the world a question after watching Kaitlan Collins interview Bill Barr on CNN.

I’ll be precise.

Me: “Is it ever okay to call someone stupid?”

Her: “No.”

Me: “I read a story about someone who picked up a rattlesnake and kissed it on the nose. The snake bit him in the face and killed him. Would you say he was stupid?”

Her: “He was stupid.”

(Apologies to Ron White for stealing the “You can’t fix stupid” tagline. Somehow, I have to believe he deserves better.)

It’s not just stupid. It’s craven, amoral, and lacking in self-respect and personal boundaries. Barr’s willingness to sell his country down the river for personal power and 20 pieces of silver is reprehensible.

May he be spit-roasted and rotisseried over an open flame for eternity in Hell (yes, the one I don’t believe in).

Murderous Governor Kristi Noem Shot Her Own Dog Like It Was A Common Migrant:

What else could you expect from a Right-wing, adulterous, hyper-Christian, freedumb-loving Republican Governor?

Yes, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem is all woman (ask Corey Lewandowski, whom she was having an extramarital affair with- SO Christian, yeah?), but she (sort of) knows how to handle a shotgun. She’s a farm girl and can (not altogether humanely) dispatch a demonstrably useless (at least to her) working canine from their mortal coil.

And don’t even ask about the goat. The less said about that poor thing, the better. He never saw it coming.

Kristi “Killer” Noem, governor of South Dakota and alleged notch on Corey Lewandowski’s headboard, is the Republican politician. The dog is — or was — a wirehair pointer named Cricket. The setting is a gravel pit where Noem dragged Cricket immediately after she allegedly killed some chickens, which apparently sent Noem into her own frothing, murderous rage.

I should warn my dear reader that the rest reads like a Quentin Tarantino script…that is, if Tarantino did bad puppy snuff films.

Proceed at your peril.

A woman said her tattoos got her rejected for a job, but experts say personality is far more important:

I’m the last person to condemn anyone with tattoos. Between my left and right arms, I have 14 of various shapes and sizes. They can be somewhat addictive; I’m certainly proof of that phenomenon. Having established that baseline, my line in the sand is that the places I’d never get tattooed would be my face and neck.

OK…and maybe not my ball sack, but that’s just weird.

Tik Toker (yes, that’s a thing some of the younger generations aspire to) Ash Putnam became convinced her visible tattoos were why she and her ample skill set (which has yet to be tattooed, I’m guessing) hadn’t ascended to a cushy “C” suite job yet.

Some of her visible designs include a skull with horns on her neck, solid black patches on her arms, and a pattern on her forehead. Putnam, 23, also has multiple facial piercings, including a large silver ring hanging from her septum.

"I hate that my tattoos are such a defining factor for me getting a job or not," she said in a recent TikTok. "Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean I'm not going to be a good worker."

That may be so, but there may be other factors in play, and Ms. Putnam might want to look into that before playing the “THEY HATE ME BECAUSE I HAVE TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS OVER 98.6% OF MY BODY!!!” CARD.

Just a thought. But what do I know, right?

Putnam, from California, said she went into the store to ask why she hadn't gotten the job, and the hiring manager told her she didn't have enough experience. The hiring manager also denied that her tattoos played any role in the rejection. T.J. Maxx did not respond to a request by Business Insider for comment.

Putnam wasn't convinced and took to TikTok to complain. Many commentators claimed her attitude may have been to blame, rather than her tattoos. Others thought her body art likely played a role in the rejection.

Of course, you could always skip that part and go straight to getting a hot-shot lawyer and suing the shit out of T.J. Maxx. If they settle for a bazillion dollars, you can buy a country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S. and…well, fuck work!! You can take that job you don’t have and shove it.

Doug Wilson Explains How to Establish the U.S. as a Christian Nation:

Do you fantasize about transforming America into AmeriKKKa ©, a Shining City on a Hill © where every citizen worships YOUR flavor of Jesus under pain of death? Do you want an AmeriKKKa © in which you as Supreme Ruler and Dickus Maximus © have your pick of the finest Conservative Christian women the country has to offer?

Because THAT, y’all, is the AmeriKKKa © Jesus wants for us…and Doug Wilson is here to tell us how we can make that happen (for him).

Because the ONLY way Doug Wilson is going to be able to breed women is by becoming Supreme Ruler and Dickus Maximus © and forcing women to climb on board his 2.5” of pure abbreviated pleasure…if you know what I mean.

‘Cuz it’s not like he’s going to charm anyone over the age of 12 into his bed.

Wow. He seems nice, eh? Mama must be SO proud.

I don’t believe in Wilson’s mean-spirited, “kill-’em-and-grill-’em” version of the Christian god. That said, I do know an intolerant, un-Christian, authoritarian asshole who’s primarily interested only in temporal political power when I see one.

Is it just me, or does it seem like someone’s compensating? Napoleon Complex much, Doug??

I Can Think of Nothing More Republican Than Murdering a Puppy Because it Misbehaves:

(Someone’s just felt the love of Jesus Christ wash over her…or she REALLY has to pee. Picture of rapturous Christian lady courtesy of

Wonkette

and included for no discernible reason other than it’s Random Christian Hypocrisy Monday ©)

I could wax self-righteous at some considerable length about how South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem’s execution of an innocent but misbehaving puppy is an allegory for Republicans of all stripes. Republicans LOVE strength, which they far too often manage to conflate with abject cruelty.

As

Walter Rhein

lays out for us, nothing says, “Fuck y’all!! I’m a patriotic, God-fearing Republican…and you’re NOT!!” like being gratuitously cruel to life forms unable to defend themselves. Bullies of all shapes, manners, and forms litter the GOP at all levels; it’s reprehensible but not surprising.

Yes, Virginia, if you’re a good, God-fearin’, White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual Patriot, cruelty is the coin of the realm. And if you ain’t got (Doug Wilson’s version of) Jesus, you ain’t shit.

Did you hear this story about the Republican who murdered her puppy and then bragged about it in her book?

The thing is, I grew up with people like this, and this story is so emblematic of how they think. These are people who get themselves all worked up to do something absolutely horrific, and they use it to justify a delusional self-image of greatness.

They say things like, “Well son, I had to beat you to a pulp because it was for your own good. But now you’ll grow up to be a good person and you’ll thank me. This will hurt me more than it will hurt you.”

Bullshit.

That whole thought process is completely disconnected from reality. When parents beat up and abuse their children, it derails the child’s life forever. Make no mistake about it, I have ZERO respect for any adult who raises his or her hand against a child. Beating your kids is the act of an incompetent, useless, bully.

They say, “There’s a difference between a spanking and abuse.”

No, there’s not. At some point our society is going to have to recognize that you can’t solve any problems with violence. Violence only makes things worse.

Beating a kid is physical abuse. Murdering a child’s puppy is emotional abuse.

Abuse is not the language of someone with love in their heart. It’s not what someone who follows the teachings of Jesus Christ practices. Nonetheless, it’s part of the Republican vernacular.

As if that should come as a shock to any of us.

I’ve read a couple stories of this Republican puppy murder and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. The worst part is when the Republican’s child comes home from school and asks about the dog. “Hi mom, where’s my dog?”

“Oh, I murdered it today because it was behaving exactly as is normal for a puppy to behave. I took it out to the gravel pit and shot it in the cute little face because it kept wanting to play with me. Now, you have to sit and listen to a lecture about how this traumatic event is the ‘right’ thing, and we should impose this attitude upon everyone in this country.”

This story is flat out sadistic.

It’s sick, but this is the version of America MAGA believes in, and it’s what Republican assholes like Kristi Noem are crafting her appeal to:

Lookit me!! I can do the hard jobs!! If that means slaughtering puppies and other innocent animals unable to defend themselves, that means I can make tough decisions!! Hell, yeah!!

No, it doesn’t. All it means is that you’re a thoughtless, amoral asshole who believes cruelty is Donald Trump’s love language.

Good Lord, y’all. When did we turn into Asshole Nation? (That’s a rhetorical question, BTW.)

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