God hates us and wishes we would eat a bag of dicks (Paging Neil Young mix)

The bad news is that we're out of Fukitol

Antony Blinken plays guitar in basement bar on trip to Kyiv:

Neil Young, please pick up the white paging phone and dial “0.” (And who knew the Secretary of State could rock?)

Maggie Haberman and The New York Times fucking suck:

This is what it looks like when a Pulitzer Prize-winning columist is in the tank for Donald Trump:

Looks like someone’s got some ‘splainin’ to do. That is, unless she wants to end up like Judith Miller. Remember her? That’s exactly my point.

Who Is Meant To Throw Louis C.K. His Comeback Party?:

Tired, whiny White male comic complains about not being welcomed back from exile. Yawn….

You know what I would really like? I would really like it if certain older male comedians could just stop freaking whining all of the time about how it’s just not fair that people’s taste in comedy is changing with the times for the very first time in all of history.

Earlier this month we had Jerry Seinfeld out here talking about how you can’t make edgy shows like “Seinfeld” and “Mary Tyler Moore” anymore because of the “extreme Left and PC crap, and people worrying so much about offending other people” in the same damn interview in which he explained that George Costanza, a character based on Larry David, with a father played by Jerry Stiller, had to be made Italian because the president of NBC and noted “Saved By the Bell” guest star Brandon Tartikoff was concerned that the show would be “too Jewish” for Middle America. (Is this yet another way in which Fran Drescher is a radical?)

He also complained about how you couldn’t do certain episodes of “Seinfeld” now. To be fair, that’s very true. The Chinese restaurant episode would be about three minutes long now that we all have cell phones.

Then, this week we were treated to Bill Maher and Bill Burr (whom I generally like!) sounding off about how unfair it is that Louis C.K. is still canceled and how “people” need to welcome him back.

No; “people” don’t “need” to “do” anything. Louis C.K. doesn’t “deserve” anything. What he doesn’t understand is that people may simply be tired of his brand of comedy. It’s up to him to find a way to be relevant again. He got himself into trouble originally, and if he wants to regain his career, he needs to put in the work to get it back.

Comedy, like everything else in life, changes and evolves. Louis C.K. doesn’t have a career in comedy guaranteed to him. If he wants it, he can work for it like every other comic. No one’s going to throw a comeback party for him—nor should they.

Missouri GOP Candidate Says 'Don't Be Weak And Gay' In Bonkers Campaign Video:

Tell me you’re an asshole without telling me you’re an asshole….

Gomez, a MAGA-aligned Republican who’s a real estate investor, is among many seeking the GOP nomination in the Aug. 6 primary. The current secretary of state, Republican Jay Ashcroft, is running for governor.

One of her campaign promises is to “BURN all books that are grooming, indoctrinating, and sexualizing our children.” She made that statement in February while torching LGBTQ+-themed books she said were from the public library, which she would oversee if elected.

When Instagram removed the video, Gomez told HuffPost: “Just like President Trump, I am one of the most suppressed voices on Instagram.”

Ms. Gomez, nothing says you’re a homophobic bigot who’s wholly unworthy of the office you’re running for than your ridiculous video. You make it clear that you reject the idea that you’re running to represent all Missourians, which means you’re unfit to serve.

Don’t be weak and stupid.

MAGA does destroy everything.

Sloppy Steve Bannon All Out Of Appeals:

Finally, Karma has come home to roost. It’s time to break out the Schadenfreude and enjoy one of the moments we’ve been waiting for—Steve Bannon is about to become someone’s bitch.

Ding dong, last call, no more appeals for Osama Gin Laden! Time to strip off those three flop-sweated Orvis shirts, and make a date for prison, ya fascist-hugging fuck!

For nearly two long years, Trump’s Rasputin Steve Bannon has managed to delay, complain, and weasel his way out of serving the four-month sentence for criminal contempt he got for defying a congressional subpoena from the House January 6 Select Committee. He was found guilty by a federal jury way back in July of 2022, but got a stay on his sentence to appeal. But no more appeals now! Last week a three-judge panel of the DC Circuit Court of Appeals told him in legal language to fuck off and get rekt, and he has until until tomorrow, May 16, to come up with some last-ditch-after-the-last-ditch reason why he shouldn’t just be locked the fuck up already.

Just another passenger on the Trump-campaign-to-prison choo choo!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Fuck you.

Here’s Who Should Pay for Everyone’s Ozempic- The people responsible for getting us into this situation, of course:

Wait…Dominos and Haagen-Dazs???

Tuberville says a bit too much about why he went to Trump’s trial:

Yeah, but he never did give a decent explanation for the lipstick and kneepads, did he?

Trump’s O.G. Henchmen Would Like a Word With America:

Do these sleazeballs have no shame? Well, the very fact that I’m asking the question provides the answer. Of course, they don’t; there’s no depth to which these pathetic, shameless sycophants will not sink in the service of their orange-hued master.

Why Trump's hush money trial is suddenly hosting a MAGA parade of sycophants:

When Lord Stumblefuck calls, are you going to say no if you’re a Republican politician with any career aspirations?

Joining the procession Tuesday were other vice presidential contenders, North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum and Rep. Byron Donalds, R-Fla., as well as Vivek Ramaswamy, who is most likely a serious veep contender only in his dreams.

It should come as no surprise that Trump favors those who play to his vanity. Just last week at a Mar-a-Lago Club fundraising event, Trump seemed to be auditioning vice president options as he called them up onstage for toasts (and some roasts). Further contenders (or at least, hopefuls) are doubtless angling for a mention Tuesday night at Trump’s New York City fundraiser.

Reporters were unable to confirm rumors that Gov. Burgum was required to “service” Dolt 45 prior to Trump’s fundraiser. A few did notice that the Governor looked a bit queasy and had what appeared to be traces of lipstick around his mouth as he left the soirée.

Fox News’ Laura Ingraham scolded as she breaks rules in Trump trial courtroom:

Always having been one to believe herself above the rules commoners must follow, Laura Ingraham got herself into some trouble during Donald Trump’s hush money trial when she bared her breasts and offered them to the judge in exchange for Trump’s freedom used a pair of binoculars.

While former President Donald Trump reportedly got some shuteye during day 17 of his New York hush money trial Tuesday, Fox News’ host Laura Ingraham's eyes were wide open.

The Daily Beast reports Ingraham had a pair of binoculars with her in the courtroom, and was told several times to stop using them.

Although binoculars are not, "strictly speaking, banned in the courtroom," according to the Beast, they are "banned when evidence is being shown to legal counsel before being presented to the jury — which is exactly when the Fox News host whipped them out."

To his credit, Judge Juan Merchan did not offer to take Ingraham’s offer under consideration in his chambers after court was finished for the day.

'It's an atrocity!' Mike Lindell goes into a tailspin over Minnesota's new flag:

Ilhan Omar and her husband displaying Minnesota’s new flag. (via Omar’s Facebook)

Having grown up in Minnesota, I think I’m due an opinion about my native state’s new flag. I gotta admit to not being crazy about it, but all I’ve known is the North Star State’s old flag, which “was literally designed to represent ‘Manifest Destiny’” and “the ethnic cleansing of indigenous Minnesotans.”

So, there’s that. And I can understand why those who aren’t White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual Patriots might want to get rid of the damned thing…and so they did, after a long and very inclusive process, which I was impressed with.

I’ll get used to the flag, because it was what the people of Minnesota agreed upon, and perhaps I’ll never be crazy about it, but it’s representative of the people’s will.

But one person will never be OK with it (and I’m OK with his vein-busting rage; it’s fun to watch): Mike Lindell.

"What they've done with this flag is absolutely outrageous," Lindell told right-wing podcast host Steve Bannon.

Opponents of the flag believe that its eight-pointed North Star secretly represents Islam.

"Is the population up there enraged?" Bannon asked. "You've got an Islamist flag flying across, above your state capitol. What in the hell's going on?"

"It's an atrocity! Everybody's going, what is this?" Lindell replied. "Is this a takeover? This is like a Trojan horse here in Minnesota, Steve. When they started pouring in, they don't love our country."

Oh, GFY, Mike. No cares what you think, anymore. Your ridiculous 24/7/365 rage has become beyond tiresome. You’re a walking, talking ad for Fukitol:

—

Tune in next time when we check in on Mike Lindell, who by that time should be back on his Thorazine regime, back in a straitjacket, and no longer a threat to the general public.

Let’s just hope there’s enough Fukitol to pacify him.

All of my posts are public at this time. Any reader financial support will be greatly appreciated. There’s no paywall blocking access to my work (except for a few newsletters). I’ll trust my readers to determine if my work is worthy of their financial support and at what level. To those who do offer their support, thank you. It means more than you know.