Good, God-fearing White folks have enough to worry about...but, astral projection??

Damn, those shamans and Satanists are everywhere, aren't they??

Stoopid is as stoopid does, yeah?

There are cameras nowadays that have been developed to tell the difference between a squirrel and a bomb.

• George W. Bush

Have you ever had that odd feeling—you might be booger-mining or scratching yourself inappropriately, and you feel like someone or something’s in the room with you? Even though you’re alone? Do you feel something, like a presence—or your late mother looking over your shoulder?

Maybe it’s an odd noise, perhaps an odor, or a feeling—like that uncomfortable sensation you have when you have to fart, but you’re on a crowded subway, and you can’t let loose because you know you’ll kill everything in a 5-meter radius?

Or perhaps you’re like me and don’t worry about things like that. I occasionally work late at night in a theater that’s allegedly haunted. Even though I’ve had the building to myself at 2:30 am, I’ve never encountered anything unusual.

It’s an old building that served as a field hospital during the Spanish Influenza pandemic in 1918. The morgue was in the basement. Some folks have seen ghosts or strange apparitions late at night and attribute them to the bodies from the basement. I neither believe nor disbelieve, but it’s an old building that makes many odd noises that you can only hear when it’s empty and quiet.

Then again, perhaps you’re someone like

Charisma News host John Matarazzo, who is concerned — and believes his viewers are concerned — that “shamans and Satanists” could be astral projecting on them right at this very moment.

But good news! Matarazzo brought “author, filmmaker and end-times expert L.A. Marzulli,” on his show to give his viewers some hot tips about how to avoid this and also avoid astral projecting themselves.

Marzulli claims to have been a veteran astral projector at one point in his life when he was really into New Age stuff and also knew a “Navajo elder” who was supposed to become a shaman but because in order to do that you have to kill a family member (unverified claim!), instead he became an alcoholic. Luckily, both of them ultimately found Jesus.

According to Marzulli, astral projection is real and also how “shamans and satanists” get around and listen in on the conversations of good Christians. They get their power, he says, from the Second Heaven, which I am just going to go ahead and assume is a prequel to the late ‘90s/early 2000s WB series 7th Heaven. You know, the super religious one starring Jessica Biel and that guy who turned out to be a pedophile?

Of course, I have a few things going for me here:

1. I’ve never heard of John Matarazzo, so I could hardly care about his weird theories.

2. I don’t believe in “shamans or Satanists.”

3. I don’t believe in “astral projection.”

4. Then again, “astral projection” does sound like a good—and cheap—form of travel, yeah?

And what in the world is the Second Heaven? Are we talking about a suburb of Heaven, maybe where wealthy Heaven-dwellers try to find a place when they’re tired of the overcrowding in First Heaven? Or perhaps a suburb of Heaven, somewhere people go when they get tired of the crime and drugs in Heaven?

Of course, at the risk of being thought a smart ass, I did my 30 seconds of research. I discovered that the Second Heaven is an actual thing—and that there are three levels of Heaven.

The Second Heaven is a term that some Christians use to refer to the celestial realm where the sun, moon, stars, and planets are located. It is also believed to be the domain of Satan and his demons, who have access to this level of the heavenlies and can influence the events on earth from there. The Bible mentions the Second Heaven in several passages, such as Genesis 1:14-19, where God created the lights in the firmament of the heavens, and Ephesians 6:12, where Paul says that we wrestle against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Some Christians think that we have the authority to engage in spiritual warfare with the demons in the Second Heaven, while others warn against this practice and say that we should only focus on the earth and the Third Heaven, where God dwells. This is a controversial and complex topic that requires careful study and discernment.

This isn’t to say that First, Second, and Third Heaven are any more real than an Abbot and Costello routine…”Who’s on first?” But, when you consider that Christian theology has many offshoots, I suppose splitting ecclesiastical hairs can lead to some complex scenarios.

Ah, but I digress.

In this rather odd interview with “author, filmmaker, and end-times expert L.A. Marzulli,” Matarazzo discusses how best to avoid being astral projected by malevolent forces.

Marzulli claims to have been astral projected by God onto a white horse and then spent his time riding with the armies of Heaven. And, by all accounts, a good time was had by all.

That was okay and holy, because God did it! But other astral projection is not fine and you definitely shouldn’t do it. Like this other time when he saw a shadow in his room and just knew someone was astral projecting in there — so he “went into warfare, prayed against it and just did what [he] had to do.”

You know it’s true because Clay Aiken sang a song about it.

I’m unsure how Clay Aiken fits into all of this—but what do I know? I majored in history and anthropology, not theology and astral projection.

As an atheist, of course, I’m on my own when it comes to evil influences who deal in astral projection and appear at inconvenient moments to threaten my immortal soul.

However, if you’re a believer, Matarazzo has a seven-step program he’s confident will free you from fears of those who’d threaten your soul. In fact, so sure is Matarazzo of this program that Charisma News is willing to offer it to you at NO CHARGE (no doubt it’s a limited time offer).

[b]y following these steps and embracing the protective mantle of divine authority, believers can effectively combat astral projection and navigate the spiritual realm with confidence and assurance

At most other times, a program like this would probably be valued at around $1000, but Charisma News will let believers have it for free. Of course, if you wanted to remit what you think it’s worth, they won’t argue with whatever your generous heart leads you to donate.

1. Acknowledge the reality. Begin by acknowledging the reality of astral projection. As Marzulli affirms, drawing from personal experiences and testimonies, "Astral projection is real."

2. Understand the enemy's tactics. Recognize that engaging in astral projection can open doors to spiritual dangers. Marzulli emphasizes the importance of understanding the enemy's tactics and discerning the deceptive allure of spiritual exploration beyond God's ordained boundaries. He reminds us, "We need to understand what the enemy is up to," urging believers to remain vigilant and discerning.

3. Cultivate spiritual discernment. Develop a keen sense of spiritual discernment to distinguish between divine encounters and deceptive manifestations. Marzulli underscores the necessity of discernment in navigating the spiritual realm, recalling his own experience: "Lord, if this isn't from you in Jesus' name, let's stop this right now." This prayerful approach allows believers to discern the source of spiritual experiences and align themselves with God's will.

4. Embrace divine authority. Remember that as believers, you possess divine authority over spiritual forces. Marzulli emphasizes the authority bestowed upon believers to tread upon serpents and scorpions and overcome the power of the enemy. He asserts, "We have all authority ... nothing will harm us," highlighting the protective promise available to all believers.

5. Call upon the angels. One powerful tool in combating astral projection is invoking angelic intervention. Marzulli shares his own testimony of calling upon the angels for assistance, witnessing their swift response in pushing back darkness and bringing peace. Believers can confidently call upon the angels, knowing that they are empowered by Christ Himself. "It's important for us as Christians to never be afraid to call on the angels, who are ministering spirits under the command of those who will inherit salvation," he says.

6. Engage in spiritual warfare. Engage in spiritual warfare through prayer, invoking the name of Jesus and declaring God's promises of protection. Marzulli highlights the importance of actively resisting spiritual attacks and standing firm in faith to combat spiritual darkness. When faced with oppressive forces, he demonstrates the power of prayer, declaring, "I command you to draw your swords and push the darkness away." This invocation of spiritual authority invokes the assistance of angelic beings, who stand ready to defend against malevolent influences.

7. Seek God's guidance. Above all, seek God's guidance and wisdom in navigating spiritual matters. Remain grounded in Scripture and in communion with the Holy Spirit, allowing God to lead and protect you in all spiritual endeavors.

Forgive me for my initial impression that this all sounds like something out of Ghostbusters, but I can’t help but wonder if someone will get slimed if they don’t follow all seven steps correctly.

I’m all for believing that there’s something beyond what we might be able to see, touch, and/or feel, but this all seems a bit “out there,” though as long as no one’s being harmed or fleeced, why not?

I don’t buy it, and it seems like a fool’s errand, but I can understand the appeal to some believers. If your worldview is colored in shades of good and evil and the spiritual realm as you see it is part of that, then knock yourself out.

As an atheist, I prefer to deal in the realm of the empirical, and Christianity presents enough of a challenge in that respect. Astral projection adds a few orders of magnitude of weirdness to that process.

Throw in the occult, and—well, it’s become far too complicated for me to follow. I like my religion simple, which is why, as an atheist, it’s non-existent. There’s nothing to worship, no rituals to commit to memory, no prayers or chants to familiarize myself with.

Whatever gets you through the night. Just don’t expect me to come along for the ride, eh?

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