Greetings and welcome to the Agolf Shitler Sewage Treatment Center
Where your solid waste is our problem...and, boy, do we have problems.
Sometimes, a picture really IS worth a thousand words….
Last weekend, Erin took me to Oceanside, my favorite place on the Oregon Coast. Donald Trump may have crossed my mind twice, but only in passing. I didn’t turn the TV or radio on, and the only thing I listened to besides my lovely wife’s soothing, melodic voice was the rhythmic crashing of the waves on the beach.
Then we returned home to Portland to learn that Agolf Shitler was worried about his pecker leaking. Yeah, karma’s a bitch, ain’t it??
I may live to be 137, but I’ll almost certainly never see a chyron more thoroughly and utterly perfect for a moment than that—sheer brilliance.
The person responsible for MSNBC’s chyrons should be made head of the network’s news operations tout suite for their astute sense of walking that fine line between the absurd and getting bitch-slapped by the network’s censor.
Well played, my brilliant and gifted friend. Well played.
Yes, American swing voters and Trump are Just. That. Fucking. Stupid. Sorry, but if they can’t be bothered to pay attention to what’s happening around them, and if they’re drawing stupid conclusions based on Fox News propaganda, they’re a condom short of getting laid, knowhutimean??
It’s time for me to demand that pundits and politicians stop making ridiculous, unprovable statements like, “The American voters are smart!” (apologies to
, whom I usually agree with wholeheartedly). It’s like saying, “Water is wet,” “Donald Trump farts in court,” or “You can’t wear a Packer’s toqueI'm sorry, but the more than 72 million mental and moral midgets who got behind Donny Diaperload in 2020 aren’t playing with a full deck, morally or intellectually. The type of people he attracts should be on court-mandated lifetime Thorazine regimes.
If the American voter were intelligent, we wouldn’t have MAGA hats, MAGA rallies, or Trump voters claiming the economy sucks. We wouldn’t have MTG, Paul Gosar, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, Chip Roy, and other Republican moral midgets soiling the House of Representatives. We wouldn’t have people proclaiming, “Our only hope is Trump,” despite his record of fucking the entire country for four years when he was in office.
Have y’all forgotten that the Brookings Institution estimated that his ineptitude and incompetence are responsible for the COVID-19 deaths of approximately 750,000 American citizens? If we’d been at war, Agolf Shitler would be sitting in a drafty cell in the Hague waiting to be tried on genocide charges.
Ah, but if there were any justice in this world, Joe Biden would’ve been impeached by now. For what high crime or misdemeanor, no Republican can say, but surely they would’ve found something by now?
Say, didn’t Sleepy Joe take the last doughnut? IMPEACH!!! #FJB
but when we start talking about things that look like evidence, they want to act like they blind. they don’t know what this is. these are our national secrets, looks like in the shitter to me. this looks like more evidence of our national secrets, on a stage at Mar-a-Lago. when we’re talking about somebody that’s committed high crimes, let’s say 32 counts related to unauthorized retention of national security secrets, seven counts related to obstructing the investigation, three false statements, one count of conspiracy to defraud the United States, falsifying business records, conspiracy to defraud the United States, two counts related to efforts to obstruct the vote certification proceedings, one count of conspiracy to violate civil rights, 23 counts related to forgery or false document statements, eight counts related to soliciting, and I could go on, but he’s got 91 counts pending right now. but I will tell you what President Biden has been guilty of: loving his child unconditionally, and that is the only evidence that they have brought forward, and honestly, I hope and pray that my parents love me half as much as he loves his child. until they find some evidence, we need to get back to the peoples’ work, which means keeping this government open so that people don’t go hungry in the streets of the United States, and I will yield.
Quick, can someone buy the Representative from Texas a beer or 12? She deserves it.
Unfortunately, the Jasmine Crocketts in the House- the competent and sensible politicians- aren’t the ones who draw the media's attention. Competent is boring, and sensible doesn’t draw clicks.
Por ejemplo, I adore Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA), whose competence and informed dissent are badassery personified. She shows up at Congressional hearings with receipts, and, damned the torpedoes, she’s loaded for bear. If you're in the witness chair and try to roll her in bullshit, she’s going to inundate you with reality checks- facts, figures, charts, and questions that make it clear she’s done her homework.
But does the mainstream media pay attention to Rep. Porter’s unbridled competence and willingness to skewer liars and morons? No, it most certainly does not. Why, because those who make such decisions don’t think think that calling out liars and morons makes for good TV.
So much for the media’s duty to hold those who represent us accountable, eh?
Don’tcha wish the mainstream media would do its damned job and inform us when corruption rears its ugly head? F’rinstance, like when the Supreme Court is pissing on our heads and trying to convince us that it’s raining and we really should be buying umbrellas from them.
does, and you can’t blame the man. Donny Diaperstain believes he “owns” the Supreme Court, and based on the quality of oral arguments from last week, one couldn’t reasonably argue with that disgusting assessment.
Yes, you should know we’re totally, completely, and utterly fucked beyond any hope of redemption when Justice Amy Coney Barrett is your “voice of reason.”
In His eye.
Up His bottom.
(Can someone light a fire under Hulu so we can finally have a Season 3 of The Handmaid’s Tale? Seriously)
Last but not least comes our semi-regular Public Service Announcement. This lunacy is the sort of thing I can’t even fucking believe we even still have to partake in, but it seems still the morons are still among us.
Then again, who doesn’t LOVE a good Breaking Bad-style, “one-bad-decision-leads-to-a-parade-of-even-worse-decisions-in-an-effort-to-find-your-way-out” epic “fuck-around-and-find-out” morality play?
I do, for one. If not for that genre, half my material would disappear instantly, and I’d have to work much harder to keep y’all coming back.
If you are a school employee who must commit a crime, do not — and we can’t stress this enough — commit a crime that is easily investigated by the principal of your school.
But if you do commit a crime easily investigated by the principal of your school, do not — and we also can’t stress this enough — compound your problem by committing more crimes.
But if you must commit more crimes — and really, again, don’t do this — do not commit them against said principal in an obvious and blatant act of revenge designed to fuck up his life and derail the investigation of your original crimes that he is already investigating.
Yes, committing a crime to cover up another crime is seldom a good idea because, as Walter White could attest, one bad idea never ends with one bad idea. The Law of Unintended Consequences will almost always come into play…and in ways you couldn’t possibly have foreseen.
Once that happens, you’re in full damage control mode 24/7/365, which has got to be exhausting.
And yet, all of this was allegedly done by Dazhon Darien, the athletic director of Pikesville High School, near Baltimore. Darien is now facing a whole assload of criminal charges and had to resign from his job. His alleged crime? Using AI tools to make a fake recording of his principal, Eric Eiswert, being a huge racist and anti-Semite, which threw the entire community into an uproar and resulted in Eiswert’s family getting death threats. All because Eiswert was investigating him for improperly appropriating $1900, an amount that Donald Trump wouldn’t even get out of bed for.
Okay, that’s not true. Donald Trump would get out of bed to steal $1900. Donald Trump would steal his own grandchildren’s piggy banks to pay his legal bills and then sue them for defamation when they got mad about it.
Eiswert initiated the investigation of Darien in December after coming to suspect that the athletic director had authorized paying the school’s junior varsity basketball coach, who was also his roommate, the sum of an extra $1,916, on the false pretense that the roommate had also served as an assistant girls soccer coach.
Sometime in the weeks after Darien was notified about the investigation, an audio clip of Eiswert making insanely bigoted comments about Blacks and Jews surfaced on an Instagram account that appears to track crime in Baltimore. Among other charmers, the recording had Eiswert saying that “ungrateful Black kids can’t test their way out of a paper bag” and that if he had to listen to any more complaints from Jews in the community, he would “join the other side.”
Of course, just like on TV, things were never destined to end there. Technical experts analyzed the recording and found (quelle surprise!!) that something was rotten in Denmark…or, for the purposes of our story, suburban Baltimore.
The recording contained “traces of AI-generated content with human editing after the fact, which added background noises for realism.” Not even the most technically adept human being (which Darien isn’t) can manipulate AI sound generation tools sufficiently well enough to create a seamless experience.
Also, a forensic analyst from UC Berkeley determined that “the recording was manipulated, and multiple recordings were spliced together.” I suspect it didn’t take someone with a Ph.D. in the Theocratic Baking Theory Of The Roman Empire to puzzle that one out.
Long story short, Dazhon Darien went Full Dumbass in the end. He tried to board a flight to Houston with a loaded firearm, which- and who could have seen this coming?- led to airport police discovering a warrant for his arrest.
Criming while a Dumbass may not BE a crime…but it should be, if for no other reasons than it would save taxpayers a buttload of money.
Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Artificial intelligence may be many things, but it’s no match for natural stupidity.
Dazhon Darien fucked around, and he found out. He certainly didn’t need AI for that.
All of my posts are public at this time. Any reader financial support will be greatly appreciated. There’s no paywall blocking access to my work (except for a few newsletters), but that remains an option. I’ll trust my readers to determine if my work is worthy of their financial support and at what level. To those who do offer their support, thank you. It means more than you know.
If Darien had been on a plane to Florida, they'd have assumed he was like a salmon returning home to spawn and given him a pass.