Happy Hallmark Holiday
If Valentine's Day is the day your show your love, you have bigger problems than you know
What you end up regretting is not the things you did, but the things you didn't do.
Tracy A. Malone
Those of you who know me understand that I’d use a clip from a Fox News show about the same time Hell freezes over. In this case, though, I’ll make an exception because I agree with talking head Julie Banderas and their guest Tyrus on the subject of Valentine’s Day.
(No, I’m not about to extol the virtues of Cupid or anything like that. Anyone who might be thinking that clearly doesn’t know me.)
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Don’t get me wrong; I’m not opposed to men (or women) doing something special with/for their significant other on Valentine’s Day. I’ve done it before, but not necessarily out of a sense of obligation. Instead, I’ve done it because I wanted to do something nice with/for whoever I was with at the time. And I can (and should) be doing that on any of the other 364 days of the year.
There’s not a day when Erin doesn’t walk through the front door when I don’t think, “How in the Hell did I pull this off?” Every day I recognize that I married above my pay grade- which, miraculously, she hasn’t seemed to figure out. So I’m not about to limit my appreciation of her to one day a year.
I appreciate the meaning of Valentine’s Day, and I know it has meaning for many. For many others, it’s a day to live up to expectations. Unfortunately, if you listen to the commercials this time of year, it’s about creating expectations for men. So why are men the only ones for whom Madison Avenue is creating lofty performance standards? Are women to be thought of as mere receptors of gestures of affection? Do they have no responsibility to show their S.O. how much they care?
I wonder how enjoyable that really is. If your primary motive is meeting an obligation- checking a box- how heartfelt and enjoyable can that experience be? I’ve never done anything on Valentine’s Day out of a sense of obligation. Instead, I find it to be an artificial creation intended as a way to sell cards, flowers, and cakes.
Erin and I have done things on Valentine’s Day before, but there have been times when we’ve decided to say home, curl up on the couch, and watch T.V., And that can be every bit as much fun. I get to spend time with the woman I love (and Magnus the Wonderdog) and relax. That’s not a bad way to spend any evening.
Valentine’s Day has long been a Hallmark holiday, an artificially commercial day intended to support a segment of the economy devoted to an unrealistic conception of love. I realize that sounds hopelessly jaded and cynical, but so much in America has been commercialized to absurdity, and Valentine’s Day is high on that list. We live in a culture where Christmas decorations are out in stores often before Halloween, ferchrissakes. Today is a big day for bakeries and flower shops, and that’s good for them, but it has far more to do with propping up a segment of the economy than love.
I can only speak for myself and do what I can to let Erin know how much I love her. It’s a daily thing, and it’s often not even about the “three little words.” Very often, it’s about the “little” things I do to let her know how much I appreciate her. Sometimes I feel like I do a pretty good job of that, sometimes not so much, but I hope the message comes across more often than not.
My biggest fear is being taken for granted, so I want to be sure that I never leave the impression that I’m taking Erin for granted. Sometimes she’ll catch me when I’m tired or feeling particularly uncommunicative, and I try to do what I can to be present. It’s not always easy, but it’s important- and it’s not always about me. Sometimes it’s about being present and available for her if she needs to talk, something at which I don’t always excel.
Or perhaps I need to consider the possibility that I’m growing increasingly rebellious. I don’t like the Romance-Industrial Complex dictating how I should wine and dine my blushing bride. On the other hand, I think I can discern when and how to do that. Flowers are lovely, cards are good, and expensive dinner dates are, well, expensive- but sometimes those things are only as necessary as one chooses to make them.
Celebrate Valentine’s Day if you want; I don’t mean to imply there’s anything wrong with that. I only mean that, for me, I’ll choose another path, thank you very much. That can mean some, all, or none of the trappings customarily involved with Valentine’s Day, but it also doesn’t have to be on that day.
Having been through two divorces, I’d like to think I’ve learned a thing or six about what doesn’t work in marriage, and I’m trying to find my way to celebrate the things that do work. So far, I think I’m doing OK, and I hope that will continue to be the case.
So far, so good.
In the meantime, feel free to support flower shops, restaurants, bakeries, and/or sex toy purveyors in your local communities. If you’re inclined to drop large amounts of your hard-earned cash on your S.O. on V.D., why not support small businesses instead of large national or multinational corporations? Make a difference in your community, particularly if you’re buying sex toys. Then, they’ll wonder what kind of fun you’re having.
This year, we’re going out to dinner with some friends, which has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day. I’m OK with that. I get to spend time with Erin and friends I don’t see much. Win-win, right?
Since she’s working from home now, I can’t send flowers to her office like I used to. But I can make sure that I check in with her every day. And I can let her know every day that I care and am interested in what she’s doing and has to say. Sure, sometimes we’re like two ships passing in the night, but that’s life, right? The important thing is managing the rough spots and enjoying the good times.
I consider myself fortunate. I feel like I’m married to my best friend. So, one day doesn’t mean much in the overall scheme. It’s what I do with the other 364 that matters.
Whether you choose to celebrate today- or not- I hope that it will hold some meaning for you. If you’re single, Valentine’s Day can be challenging. I’ve been there. Do something nice for yourself- treat yourself to a nice meal or something you’ve been putting off for a while. Being single should never be a reason for not doing something you want to do- today or any other day.
And if you are doing something special with your S.O. today, enjoy it, not because it’s Valentine’s Day but because it’s another opportunity to spend time with someone important to you. Enjoy the moment because you never know how many you’ll get in this world. Live in it. Cherish it. And lose the expectations; leave those worries for others.
And then remember to do that the other 364 days of the year.
