Hi, My Name is Jack Cluth And I Want To Buy Your Vote

Or maybe it was buy your goat??

(I’m sick of the patronizing, stupid, and seriously dishonest political ads I’m seeing all over my television this fall. Most of them could’ve been- and probably were- been written by a hyperactive three-year-old with an iPad and a box of crayons. So I thought I’d give it a shot.)

[Opening sequence: The camera pans slowly over the patriotic background as stirring martial music plays in the background.]

Narrator: In a time when Americans are more divided than ever, what Oregon needs in Congress is someone who knows that the way forward isn’t through arguing but through kicking ass and taking names until the whining stops. Or taking kickbacks until the cash register stops.

(fade to black)

[The camera comes to rest on the candidate, with soft lighting and…a beer on his belly as he’s floating on an inner tube made to look like a frosted doughnut? Mmm…doughnuts….]

Candidate: Hi, I’m Jack Cluth, and I’m running for Congress. Or, at least I think I am. My name’s supposed to be on the ballot, and I think I beat the deadline, but anyway….

If you’re like me, an average, everyday Oregonian tired of the name-calling, the arguing, and the accusations, then I think you’ll agree it’s time for a change. You see, my opponent, Heywood Jablome, has accused me of some pretty nasty stuff. And I’m here to tell that not all of it’s true.

Sure, I got drunk and peed in Ned Flander’s radiator, but in my defense, his car had overheated and I was only trying to help.

And, yes, I did try to sell my daughter, Lisa, to raise funds for the local youth soccer team. I must have totally misunderstood the buyers when they said “White slavery.” My bad. I actually meant to sell my son, Bart. I think I would’ve gotten more for him, anyway.

And when someone offered me a million bucks for a night with my wife, Marge, I thought they just wanted coffee and conversation. How was I supposed to know what all that moaning and thrashing was about?? She did seem pretty the next morning, so it seemed like a good deal for everyone.

My point is that I may not be the sharpest tool in the box, but my heart’s in the right place…or maybe it was my left place? I can never remember, and all those years of medical school never really stuck, knowhutimean??

You see, I’m really just a simple man who wants to serve his community. I love my family, my town, floating down this polluted river with a beer resting on my belly, and enjoying life. But what I really want to do is serve Oregon in Congress, where I can pass legislation and become filthy rich just like Mitch McConnell!

So while Haywood Jablome won’t be honest about why he wants to serve in Congress, I just was. I hope you’ll remember that when your ballot shows up in your mailbox.

My name’s Jack Cluth and I approve this message because if I don’t say that they won’t air this damned thing.

[Jack smirks his best Joe Isuzu smile, the camera rests on his beaming visage, and the campaign logo: “Jack Cluth: It’s Not Just Good, It’s Good Enough!” pops onto the screen.]

[Jack’s face is blurred into the background as the logo remains and the campaign them song plays- the Dead Kennedy’s “I Saw Your Mommy And Your Mommy’s Dead” ]