Hmm...Taylor Swift or Alina Habba? At least Taylor Swift doesn't have to fake being smart.
Alina Habba has far less going for her than she gives herself credit for
Somebody said to me, 'Alina would you rather be smart or pretty,' and I said, 'Oh easy, pretty. I can fake being smart.'
The governor of Texas, who, when asked if the Bible should also be taught in Spanish, replied that ‘if English was good enough for Jesus, then it’s good enough for me’.”
Christopher Hitchens
I hope this will be the only time I’ll have reason to write about America’s finest parking garage lawyer and Trump distraction, Alina Habba. As easy as it would be to demean her lawyering skills, I know little to nothing about them except for her disastrous performance in the service of Donald Trump.
For that alone, I wouldn’t have Ms. Habba defend me if I were looking to get a parking ticket dismissed. I could probably find a trained chimp who’d do a better job. And before anyone gets any ideas, this has nothing to do with Ms. Habba’s gender. No, her incompetence, in this instance, defies gender. Frankly, I’m surprised she’s getting paid.
Of course, she was defending Donald Trump…so getting paid is no guarantee.
And while she can be pretty all she wants, to fake being smart is far more complicated than she realizes…and she’s been doing a damned poor job of it. ‘Cuz she may be able to fake certain things (you’d have to ask her husband), but being smart takes some brains.
Presumably she’s got that on her vision board for sometime.
But sometime ain’t today.
Donald Trump’s less-than-ideal lawyer Alina Habba has suddenly found a new reason the verdict in the latest E. Jean Carroll defamation case is so unfair, you guys. They’ve been pretending throughout that this was a case about whether or not Trump has already been found liable for sexually assaulting and defaming Carroll. He has, and this was literally just about damages. The jury decided on $83.3 million.
But you guys, the judge was so mean and kept making fun of Habba and saying she didn’t even know how to get documents into evidence, like as if! And he was hostile to her in other ways also too!
Well, you know…law school was hard, and so many things were easy to forget. And getting documents into evidence? I mean, come on, today’s not my day to be smart, ‘kay? I’m too busy being pretty….
Yeah, that’s a full-time job, right??
The newest fresh turd Habba is casually tossing at the judicial system is her discovery, based on the intrepid journalism of the New York Post (said no one ever), that Judge Lewis Kaplan and Carroll’s lawyer Roberta Kaplan were sittin’ in a tree a long time ago, therefore IMPEACH!
But were they really? Did the New York Post find the scoop of the century?
New York Post columnist Charles Gasparino — some idiot — told Habba this weekend that Kaplan the judge was, according to a “source,” once Kaplan the lawyer’s mentor. And Habba didn’t bother to do any checking to see if it was true or not, because she was already firing off a letter to the court full of scream-yelling.
“It was never disclosed. It’s insane and so incestuous,” Habba said, insisting neither the 79-year-old judge nor Roberta Kaplan, 57, who aren’t related, disclosed the “conflict of interest” and a violation of judicial ethics rules.
That sounds like some really cool due diligence to do, um, like, perhaps sometime before a trial is over and your shitpiss lawyering has helped part your client with $83.3 million of his blood moneys.
OMG!!! WTF??? How could this be? Alert the media!! This cannot be allowed to stand!! People must know what a corrupt and horrible injustice was done to our sainted, godly 45th President, Donald J. Trump!!
Except, wait just a damned minute…when are things not nearly what they seem to be? How about when Alina Habba doesn’t bother to do her due diligence and instead goes off like a Claymore mine pointed in the wrong direction?
Yeah, it turns out she had her information all SORTS of ass-backward.
She fired off an inappropriately outraged letter…without bothering to check her facts. Hmm, what a shock; someone in TrumpWorld is playing “READY!! FIRE!! AIM!!” Whodathunkit?
But is there a thing here? Not according to Roberta Kaplan’s spox:
“They overlapped for less than two years in the early 1990s at a large law firm when he was a senior partner and she was a junior associate and she never worked for him,” said the spokesperson, who declined to provide further comment.
And also not a thing, according to Roberta Kaplan, who decided she needed to write a mash note back, all “nope” and “nuh uh” and “never happened.”
Indeed, 32 fucking years ago, in 1992, Roberta Kaplan joined the enormous law firm Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison. In 1994, 30 fucking years ago, Lewis Kaplan was appointed to a judgeship by Bill Clinton.
But Gasparino — some idiot — SWEARS his source is a former partner, who says “Lew was like her mentor.”
And oh, the weeping and gnashing of teeth in Habba’s letter. Did you know that THIS is what explains why the judge was so mean to her? It was not that she is garbage and bad at her job, or that she fucked around the entire trial and wasted the court’s time and, again, seemed clueless or willfully ignorant about how to get a document into evidence.
Was someone trying to cover up her flatulent incompetence by impeaching the judge’s integrity? PERISH the thought, for Ms. Habba was filled with all manner of righteous anger over the FACT that Judge Kaplan and E. Jean Carroll’s lawyer, Roberta Kaplan (no relation), were once in a mentor/mentee relationship.
(OMG…I’ll bet they even had tantric sex in the server room on their lunch breaks….)
Except that such a relationship only happened in Charles Gasparino’s vivid and overheated imagination. While it’s true that both worked at Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison between 1992 and 1994, it’s a YUUUGE law firm. It’s like saying they both lived in Seattle for two years. Who knows if they even interacted during that time?
In the letter, Habba insists on calling Donald Trump not “the defendant” or “that sexually violent sack of shit,” but “President Trump.” And she bellyaches:
"The underlying defamation case tried last year, and the damages trial completed last week, were both litigations in which there were many clashes between Your Honor and defense counsel. We believe, and will argue on appeal, that the Court was overtly hostile towards defense counsel and President Trump, and displayed preferential treatment towards Plaintiff's counsel. Indeed, the rulings, tone, and demeanor of the bench raised significant concerns even before New York Post's investigative journalism unearthed these new facts."
And that is when we closed tab, because of the words “New York Post’s investigative journalism unearthed these new facts.” That is a not a valid sentence.
That has to be the first time I’ve seen “New York Post’s investigative journalism” used in a sentence that wasn’t profoundly satirical. Only someone so invested in faking being smart as Ms. Habba would think that New York’s Right-wing gossip rag would produce anything even faintly redolent of actual, honest-to-God investigative journalism.
Surely, not even she could be that stupid…could she?
Meh…who knows? And don’t call me Shirley.
Justice may be blind, but she’s certainly not a blithering idiot, Ms. Habba. No, she left that role for you to fill…and you seem to be doing a bang-up job.
Ms. Vance then proceeded to bring receipts to bear upon Ms. Habba, pointing out when Trump’s favorite parking garage lawyer had discussed 14th Amendment cases about states potentially discussing her client from their ballots.
Ms. Vance was also kind enough to point out rather unsubtly that Justice Brett Kavanaugh OWED Orange Jesus a solid:
“I think it should be a slam dunk in the Supreme Court; I have faith in them,” Habba said on Fox News. “You know, people like Kavanaugh who the president fought for, who the president went through hell to get into place, he’ll step up.”
Habba, because she’s so good at faking smart, immediately had to start tripping over herself to pretend she didn’t mean Kavanaugh should be “pro-Trump,” but rather just that he should be “pro-law” and “pro-fairness.”
In summary and in conclusion, Habba posted an Instagram story the other day, quoting a tweet that asked, "Who thinks this country needs a lot more women like Alina Habba, and a lot less like Taylor Swift?
Seriously? Who even asks dumbass questions like that except for dumbass MAGA types who’ve been mainlining Fox News Channel for the past decade or more?
If this country had more women like Taylor Swift, it would be a far kinder and more compassionate place. It would be less selfish and self-absorbed. It would spend less time chest-thumping and pearl-clutching. It would spend far less time worrying about who and how other people choose to love others. There would be less conflict and more cooperation.
America would be a far more pleasant and less noisy place if there were more honest and genuine women- more honest and genuine PEOPLE- like Taylor Swift.
At least Taylor Swift doesn’t have to fake being smart.
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Only someone who is galactically st00pid would ever imagine it is easy to fake being smart. That's like an over-the-falls-without-a-barrel schizophrenic supposing that it is easy to fake being sane.