How To Not Be A Sexist Asshole In 314 Easy Steps

Yes, it really IS that simple, guys

Well, let's see. There's—of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others. But, um.

• Sarah Palin

The problem with catering to the lowest common denominator, is that when society goes and lowers the bar, some idiot turns it into a limbo contest.

• Kyu Wolf

OK, guys, I can’t believe this topic still needs to be addressed in the 21st century. Apparently, Penis-Americans still have a genuine issue with mansplaining. For those who don’t know what that is, let me break it down for you:

“Mansplaining “is “the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.” As in, a man somehow not grasping that a woman could grasp something as well as a man can, so he must explain it to her by dumbing it down.

Of course, men who’d engage in this sort of behavior seem not to understand this truth:

Then there’s the Wikipedia definition, which I love even more:

to comment on or explain something to a woman in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner

Of course, the condescension is rooted in the assumption that there’s no way a woman could know as much as a man, probably because…well, because there’s really no damned reason why that should be true, knowhutimean?

I may not have an advanced degree in intergender relationships, but I have enough experience on the subject to say this to my fellow Penis-Americans: KNOCK IT OFF!!

I’ve learned through many years of observation and experience that almost anything a man can do, a woman can do better, faster, and more efficiently. Why? Because women get shit done, that’s why. While men are busy trying to prove whose is bigger, women are concerned with doing what needs to be done and getting on to the next task. They don’t have time for extraneous bullshit.

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Yes, I’m generalizing, and I’m aware that with any broad generalization comes the probability of outliers that can be used to “disprove” any theory. That said, I’ll stand by my theory. On average, women are tougher, smarter, and less willing to put up with the bullshit that knock men off track.

Why? Who knows? Perhaps it’s because women historically have been trained to stuff eight pounds into a five-pound sack. While they’re responsible for hearth and home, many also have full-time jobs. A man may come home and collapse into his recliner because he had a rough day at the office, but a woman has dinner to prepare, kids to get ready for bed, etc., etc, ad nauseam.

Women have shit to get done.

Women have always shouldered more responsibility than men, yet they’ve historically received less credit for fulfilling that responsibility. Men have taken the credit and assigned themselves the intelligence and capability since they were the ones allegedly keeping society together.

Right; getting America into all those pointless wars and seeing our fathers, brothers, and sons come home in flag-draped boxes was the hallmark of male leadership. And it takes a penis and testosterone to know how to send thousands of men off to their deaths, eh?

I’ve long contended that it’s time for men to turn government over to women. We Penis-Americans have FUBAR’d things up for long enough. Between wars, environmental disasters, terrorism, internal dissension, corruption- and the list goes on- it’s time for Vagina-Americans to have their shot.

I believe that women are, on average, smarter, more capable, and more rational than men. So why do men need to “mansplain” things to them? Do they really believe women are intellectually inferior and thus incapable of grasping complex concepts as quickly as men?

As for the condescension, try reversing roles for a moment. How would you feel if someone talked down to you as if you were intellectually inferior? And yet many men, who actually ARE intellectually inferior to a woman they’re attempting to mansplain something to, persist. I suppose you can do that when you lack the self-awareness to recognize that you’re being an asshole.

And it happens more than you might think.

So, no, there aren’t 314 easy steps. There’s only one, and it’s so easy a caveman could do it. As a man, all you need to do is to remember that the person you’re talking to, especially if that person happens to be a woman, is worthy of respect. Once you remember that she’s worthy of respect, treat her accordingly.

OK, so that’s two steps, but they’re still pretty damned easy, knowhutimean?

1. Remember that a woman is worthy of respect.

2. Treat her with respect.

I know, and you were expecting a dissertation on manners and interpersonal relations when all you really need is four simple words:

STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.

That’s it. That’s all. Stop being an asshole. Stop behaving condescendingly towards women. Start assuming they might know at least as much, perhaps even more, than you.

Women are engineers, doctors, nuclear physicists, and neurosurgeons- everywhere a man is, a woman can be and might be doing it better. That’s not a good or a bad thing; it just is. Possessing a penis does not provide one with an inherent advantage when it comes to intellectual pursuits. So check your unwarranted privilege at the door; the woman sitting across from you might be better, smarter, and more capable than you.

Deal with it, Kimosabe.

There’s no doubt that this world is set up for the convenience of men. I've never understood why women have allowed this to be the case. I mean, have none of them ever read Lysistrata? All it would take would be women banding together and deciding to deny their men nookie until they decide to get their s**t together. I’d wager that men would break pretty quickly.

Yeah, we’re kinda weak that way. We think with the wrong head WAY too often.

Women could change the world if they wanted to. Penis-Americans could as well; all we have to do is stop acting like assholes toward women.

That doesn’t seem like too much to ask, does it??