I Have Jesus In My Closet And Bolsheviks In My Bathroom
The only thing left to do is to run for public office!
I should start by confessing that there are things in the back of my closet that I haven’t seen since near the end of the Obama Administration. Old hats, shoes, backpacks, and God-only-knows-what-else may be buried back there. Frankly, I’m a little afraid to go digging around. Some things are best left undisturbed
Come to think of it, I should check with Erin to see if she’s seen Sjon, our black cat, recently.
Still, one thing I can guaran-damn-tee isn’t in the back of that closet is that noted religious figure and political kingmaker, Jesus H. Christ.
Then again, I’m not engaged in a constant battle with Satanists out to steal my soul and Godless Liberals trying to lure me to their child porn and cupcake exchange gatherings.
Rachel Hamm has a lot on her plate these days, what with Jesus showing up in her closet and handing her son a scroll instructing her to run for Secretary of State in California.
Personally, I’m a wee bit suspicious. Why would Jesus instruct someone to seek a job that requires living in Sacramento? I mean, have you been to the Central Valley in July or August? It’s not Phoenix, but it’s not much better. It’s like Newark with lower humidity.
I've been a prophetic dreamer so I had spent a lot of 2019 and '20 having a lot of political dreams that I was in office. And because our youngest son, Ezekiel, is a seer, I went and got him and I said, 'Hey, can you look around and see what you're seeing?' Because I just really, I get a kick out of hearing him describe, you know, what he sees?
And so [I said] you know, let me know if you see anything.
And so he looked at my bedroom and my bathroom. He said, 'There's nothing there.' And then he goes into the closet – which is where I had been when I was praying – and he said, 'Whoa,' and his eyes got like, big as saucers, and he kind of like started backing away, and then started bending down and he said, 'You've got a really big guy in your closet, and his power is pushing me to the ground,' and we had never had, he'd never had that reaction ever, to an angel. And so I'm like, he's for us, not against us, right?
"He's full of light, I can't even see his face." And then he said, "he has a scroll in his hand." And so I was like, then he came with a message, what is the message and the message was a commissioning. So at the very end, I asked him what his name was. "What angel is this?" you know? And he said, "Immanuel." That wasn't an angel. It wasn't an angel! That was Jesus Himself. And so that's why I'm running for secretary of state.
So it's kind of an unconventional answer that I honestly get mocked for, by you know, by the other side of this war.
Immanuel? Could it perhaps have been Emanuelle? Could it have been the naked ghost of Sylvia Kristel? Or Stormy Daniels? I mean, if the kid’s got a vivid imagination, what’s to stop him from seeing porn stars? And that power pushing him down? I don’t even want to think of where the ghost may have been going with that.
And Ms. Hamm never tells us what the scroll said. For all we know, it could have been Jesus’ lunch order (extra cheese and onions, hold the mushrooms and olives) or a request to pick up his dry cleaning. I imagine the Prince of Peace goes through a lot of those brilliant white robes, knowhutimean?? Maintain that brilliant white gleam can’t be cheap.
I don’t begrudge Ms. Hamm her faith, but I have to wonder if California wants someone prone to hallucinations in charge of their elections? Especially someone who claims to be able to pray away murderers and direct them elsewhere, in this case, her neighbor?
SHE’S A WITCH!!! SHE’S A WITCH!!!
And how did she know her neighbor was a witch? Could it be Ms. Hamm simply misunderstood her neighbor’s character flaw, and that she was actually a bitch, not a witch? That’s not exactly a minor distinction, especially since it evidently got her neighbor killed?
Far be it from me to question someone’s mental health. Lord knows I’ve had my own issues in that department. Then again, I’ve never hallucinated Jesus H. Christ in my closet, nor have I directed murderers away from me and to my neighbor, whose crime may have been being a bitch and not a witch?
Nor will I reject outright the idea that some people are able to see things that most people cannot. What I don’t understand, though, is why when it happens to Christians, it invariably seems to be things that benefit them? I realize that they already believe God’s a Conservative Republican and as such He/She doesn’t appear to Godless Liberals. Still, I have to wonder how Conservative Christians wound up with a monopoly on hallucinations and visions?
Yeah, she seems nice, eh?