I hear Kramatorsk is lovely this time of year

And, if everything goes to Hell, we'll always have the Nizhny Novogorod Institute of Beet Farming

If the bread lands in Russia, it becomes a shit sandwich….

The cosmos stands amazed at just how dumb Planet Dumb is. With an uncanny talent for error, humanity has at every crossroads taken the wrong path. Humanity is the species guaranteed to choose wrongly. What else would you expect in a Dunning-Kruger world? Ignorance reigns supreme. Everyone is part of the Dumbageddon Conspiracy.

Ranty McRanterson, Full Retard: The Dumbest Just Got Dumber

Sometimes, as I plumb the depths of human stupidity, it can be difficult to describe how truly and profoundly dumb humanity can be. I’m not talking about supporting Donald Trump because you think God ordained him to lead America. That’s for amateurs…even though it’s still pretty fucking dumb.

No, I’m talking about the kind of stupidity that leads people to pull up roots and move their family to Russia because they think it’s a “more Christian” and “free” country. How thoroughly vacant and brain-dead must one be to look to Vladimir Putin’s homeland for salvation from decadent “woke” Western anti-Christian influences?

Well, once upon a time on the vast, frozen Canadian prairies….

[A] couple of Dutch-Canadian YouTubers, Arend and Anneesa Feenstra, dairy fermers and property-flippers, really are [stupid]! They claim they’re trying to immigrate to Russia because they believe pride flags flapping on Saskatchewan streets means that endtimes of Christian persecution is at hand, and Russia is more of a “Christian nation” than Canada. In other words, cuckoo.

They didn’t have family there, or know the language, but according to Arend, God told him to sell their farm and belongings and get eight of their nine children to Tbilisi for a final destination of Moscow, so they did. We can’t wait to hear how this story turns out!

Right; because Saskatchewan is such a bleeding heart Liberal Paradise, no? All the streets of Regina are painted in rainbow colors, elementary and high school classes are taught by drag queens, and gay sex is the third-most popular sport, behind killing prairie dogs and hockey.

Yeah, “woke” Canada is a living Hell for good, God-fearing, White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexuals who don’t want their kids exposed to people who aren’t like themselves.

So, for some reason, the Feenstras, being the towering intellects they are, decided that Moscow (not the one in Idaho, mind you) would be a perfect destination for their morally challenged family to begin their new, holier-than-thou lives.

As one who’s studied Russia and the Russian language, you’d think they’d have wanted to learn a little bit about the language and culture first. Then again, Arend and Anneesa Feenstra would struggle to scrape together a functional IQ between them. They leapt into the frying pan before realizing that it might have been a good idea to check if someone had turned the burner on.

But, how bad could it be, right? They were certain they’d be welcomed in Russia with open arms…which they were. Sort of.

In Mother Russia they’d be free of all those decadent western influences like pride flags, drag queens, and Bud Light. Of course, they’d have to put up with empty shelves in state-owned grocery stores, bad food, and the worst sort of Eastern European food imaginable…plus all the McDonald’s in Russia pulled out after Putin invaded Ukraine.

You mean I can’t even get a Big Mac???

The Feenstras haven’t bothered to learn Russian first. “We were naive on that,” said Anneesa. “I needed to use the washroom, and on the doors said male and female, but I didn’t know which was which!”

“In America, that wouldn’t be a problem, it’s free-for-all in the bathrooms, but now in our world it matters!” Arend marveled.

Yeah, because in the US and Canada, Conservatives obsess over who gets to use which public restrooms. In Russia, where men are men and the sheep are nervous, there are no questions. There are only two genders- men and not-men.

Next came days of their Russian handler filling out reams of paperwork on their behalf, in Russian, and hours of submitting themselves and their families to mandatory physical exams, including blood and urine tests, which seems not very Trucker Convoy of them.

Before they left Canada, God or whoever enticed them there also didn’t tell them about the whole banking thing, like they wouldn’t have easy access to money. Visa or MasterCard don’t work, surprise, surprise, and attempts to access their banking accounts got them immediately frozen.

SURPRISE!! Suddenly the Feenstras were in a country where they couldn’t speak the language, figure out which restroom was for which gender, or get access to their money. And Russia is not a place where you want to be broke…something about a social safety net with more holes than net.

This is what happens when you decide to pick up stakes and move to the one country that’s made a point of becoming the world’s most despised pariah nation.

Once you try to access your money that’s still back in “woke” Canada, your “woke” Canadian bank seizes your account and says, “HAR HAR!!! ALL YOUR MONIES ARE BELONG TO US!!”

(The Feenstras new high-end farmhouse outside Nizhny Novgorod.)

I’d ask what the Feenstras were thinking, but that would presume that there had been some actual, honest-to-God, thought and planning that went into their decision to move to Russia.

It would be easy to ridicule the Feenstras for having the foresight of a Jessica Simpson impersonator and the intellectual capacity of your average Trump supporter, but I’m not certain these folks even reach those bars.

Still, the Feenstras could hardly have put less planning into their foray into Russia. I could have a whole lot of fun at their expense, but it sounds like they may not fully understand the predicament they’ve landed in. It’s not like they’ve moved to an Amish colony in Iowa.

They’re in freakin’ Russia….

And that’s when I realized

Ah, but I digress….

“We have some cash, but, not enough!” complained Arend, and in a now-deleted clip, Anneesa was at almost her last straw.  

“I’m very disappointed in this country at this point,” she huffed. “I’m ready to jump on a plane and get out of here. We’ve hit the first snag where you have to engage logic in this country and it’s very, very frustrating.” 

But God will provide! And in Russia his name is Putin! What happened next was deleted and is now a bit of a mystery, with the clip of griping immediately deleted, and a new one with Arend desperately backtracking:

“After reading an article that said we were ‘disappointed with Russia’ we decided to remove our video. We are not disappointed with Russia — in fact the opposite is true. What Anneesa actually said was ‘I am very frustrated IN this country right now.’ This was a reflection of her inner frustration with not being able to speak and understand, she was not frustrated WITH Russia.”

At last report, they were looking for farmland around Nizhny Novgorod, but at last report, the ten of them were crammed into a two-bedroom apartment with no vehicle as they home-school they children.

Even if they do find some farmland, it won’t thaw until May, and the three-month growing season will make it challenging to feed and support their family.

Fortunately for them, they’ll be able to send their kids to the Nizhny Novogorod Institute of Beet Farming at no charge.

But, Arend and Anneesa Feenstra say, all the hassle has been worth it to be out of “woke” Canada and in a country that’s more in touch with their Conservative values.

Because only in Mother Russia will you experience TRUE freedom….

And God will provide, no? In a country where religion is under the thumb of the state and honest expressions of frustration are deleted, that may be a bit much to hope for. It’s not uncommon for people to starve to death in the Russian provinces.

Then again, at least the Feenstras won’t have to deal with the Canadian ‘Ideological School System’ any more…because there’s no tyranny quite like Canadan tyranny, eh?

And what’s going to happen to their eight kids when they grow up and maybe decide they want to go back to “woke” Canada? Will they look at their sojourn in Mother Russia as a grand adventure…or will they hate their parents for taking them from their home country to a godforsaken Third World country with crappy youth hockey leagues?

Will the children be able to leave Russia if they decide they want to? Or will they be prisoners of Vladimir Putin’s “freedom?”

I do have one question, though- if you’re tired of tyranny and ideology, wouldn’t Russia be just about the worst place on earth (short of, say, North Korea?) to relocate your family? You came to Russia looking for “freedom?” What, Albania was full??

Wow…that’s some weapons-grade stupid, don’tchathink?

Maybe next time do a wee bit o’ research first? I hear North Korea’s beautiful this time of year.

But, if nothing else, they’ll always have the Nizhny Novogorod Institute of Beet Farming, eh?

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