I Used To Think I Was Bi-polar; It Turns Out I'm Just An Asshole

You think it's easy being Steve "Holier Than Thou" Crowder?

Hey, wait…they told me in Jesus School that women were property! So how can she divorce me?

You can’t shake the asshole tree and expect Prince Charming to fall out.

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Once upon a time, a Christian, Steve “Holier Than Thou” Crowder, knew he was America’s #1 devotee of the Prince of Peace, so much so that he made a career of telling everyone how INCREDIBLY holy and godly he was.

Somehow, Crowder never got the memo that among the qualities Jesus Christ wanted Christians to emulate were things like humility and grace. So over time, Crowder’s “Holier Than Thou” nickname became something of an understatement as he came to believe it himself. (Sadly, he also became a poster child for the Dunning-Kruger Effect.)

And if that isn’t worthy of a Golden Flaming Asshole Award, I don’t know what it would be.

Yeah, he was kind of a dick about his belief that he was much more über-Jesus-y than any other mortal. And so he believed he could and should pass judgment upon others.

Once upon a time, a fella named Steven Crowder kicked off his right-wing punditry career with an article about how much better he was than everyone else for being a virgin who planned to wait until he was married to have sex. An article in which he literally used the terms "floozie" and "harlotry" while huffing and puffing about how unfair it was that hypothetical people everywhere thought he was judgmental.

It’s true; when you’re calling others “floozies” and “harlots” because they fall short of your exacting über-Jesus-y moral standards, the word they’re going to use to describe you rhymes with “lick.” And that’s probably one of the nicer words they’ll use to describe you.

Crowder decided he wanted to be a virgin on his wedding night for reasons that were important to him but probably matter to few others. Bully for him. His wife made the same commitment. And, true to form, Crowder decided that both of them being a virgin on their wedding night was “the right way to get married” and thus made them better than other mortals.

For them, perhaps that may have held true. But it hardly gives Steven “Holier Than Thou” Crowder license to judge others and find them wanting. Then again, when your über-Jesus-y morality allows you to elevate yourself over others, you’ll probably want to point it out to the heathens, no?

Maybe it’s just the lack of fun-factor, or maybe it started with harlotry being misused as a fulcrum for women’s liberation, but if you so much as suggest to someone that abstinence might be beneficial, you’ll often find yourself vilified as a judgmental jackass faster than Bill Maher can throw up his dainty hands.

Sure, Michelle Obama can run around the country and condemn little fatties for inhaling Little Debbies, but if you try and apply that same helpful, healthful concept to sex, it’s seen as pushy and/or prudish….

I can tell you beyond any doubt, that my lady is able to control herself and stick to her values regardless of circumstance.

What Crowder may not have realized at the time, but what may have become all too evident later, is that perhaps his lady wasn’t enthralled at the idea of “naked time” with him. As arrogant as he is, maybe Crowder was more about taking than giving as a lover. As the man in the relationship, God had commanded that his needs come first.

(Unsurprisingly, when you treat your wife like crap, she’s not going to be inclined to want to do the horizontal mambo with you. Shocking, I know, but that’s how it too often works.)

Then, a couple of years into his marriage, Crowder decided it was time to write about how his über-Jesus-y marriage was SO much better than everyone else’s. Why? Because they got married “the right way.”

Seems a little judgy, no? Well, Honey Badger don’t give a f**k because, by his yardstick, he IS better than you. And it’s not even close.

Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.

We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.

Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking back, I think that the women saying those things felt like the floozies they ultimately were, and the men, with their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests, felt threatened.

I think it’s important to write this column not to gloat (though I’ll be glad to), but to speak up for all of the young couples that have also done things the right way. When people do marriage right, they don’t complain so much, and so their voices are silenced by the rabble of promiscuous charlatans, peddling their pathetic world view as “progressive.”

“When people do marriage right?” According to whom? And as for the rest of that last paragraph, I don’t think I’ve read something so arrogant and self-righteous since my ex- dumped me because she felt I needed to work on myself. Yeah, that was rich…but, thankfully, it’s also water under the bridge.

“Promiscuous charlatans?” I’m surprised that Crowder can spell those two words, but then he probably has spell-check to save his ass like the rest of us, eh?

Crowder may be shocked to learn this, but there’s no one way to do marriage “right.” There are only ignorant, arrogant, and über-Jesus-y self-righteous people who BELIEVE they and ONLY they know the “right” way. And that would be Steve “Holier Than Thou” Crowder, who’s so consecrated that I’m surprised he doesn’t blind people with his holiness.

And, as if to prove his point, Crowder even took a couple who got married on the same day to task for not “doing it the right way.” Because, as only he knows, “promiscuous charlatans” will surely be disappointed on their wedding nights.

Our “weddings” were the same event in name only. They know it, and we know it.

Do yours the right way. If you’re young and wondering whether you should wait, whether you should just give in, become a live-in harlot/mimbo and do it the world’s way. If you’re wondering whether all of the mocking, the ridicule, the incredible difficulty of saving yourself for your spouse is worth it, let me tell you without a doubt that it is. Your wedding can be the most memorable day and night of your life… or just another party.

Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.

Oops….did I just call Crowder an “über-Jesus-y asshole?” You’re darn right I did.

Of course, if you’ve made it this far, you’re probably beginning to suspect where this is heading. If there’s one thing I enjoy more than karma, it’s schadenfreude- though I try not to over-indulge. And not only was Steve “Holier Than Thou” Crowder’s karmic balance seriously overdrawn, but I was also about to bathe in the cleansing, purifying waters of schadenfreude at his expense.

Does that make me a bad person? Not that I care…or plan to do anything about it. ;-)

If you've read the headline, you can guess where this is going. Despite having done things "the right way," unlike all you floozies and harlots and ... mimbos, Steven Crowder is getting divorced. It's almost as if premarital abstinence has absolutely nothing to do with how a marriage works out in the end.

On Tuesday, Crowder went on Rumble (conservative YouTube) and gave a bizarre, rambling speech about how he was being forced to come forward about the fact that his wife filed for divorce two years ago because Candace Owens was "extorting" him about it and he believes that somehow threatens his children's "physical safety."….

This divorce, mind you, was not Crowder's choice. In fact, he makes it very clear that if it were up to him, he'd force his wife to stay married to him forever, but the woke state of Texas does not care about his consent or his values and is just letting her leave him without even giving him a say.

"Since 2021, I’ve been living through what has increasingly been a horrendous divorce," Crowder said, sitting at a desk with a prominently displayed handgun. "And no, this was not my choice. My then-wife decided that she didn’t want to be married anymore and in the state of Texas, that is completely permitted. It’s been the most heartbreaking experience of my life, what I consider to be my deepest personal failure — and just so you know, my opinions on parenting and families have not changed. I've always believed that children need a mom and a dad and that divorce is horrible and I still believe that children need a mom and a dad and that divorce is horrible. But in today's legal system, my beliefs don't matter. In Texas, divorce is permitted when one party wants it, period."

Yeah, that’s the way divorces work. When one party wants out, the state permits them to file for divorce. The other party to the marriage doesn’t get to say, “WHOA!! Wait a minute; I own that person!” Marriage is a matter of consent, and when one party no longer consents to be part of the relationship, they have the right to file for divorce without seeking permission from their spouse.

And, in his wife’s defense, it seems that Steve “Holier Than Thou” Crowder wasn’t quite the loving husband he’d have us believe he was. In fact, it seemed like he was kind of an über-Jesus-y butthead to Hilary Crowder, who finally decided that enough was too much…and who could blame her?

What Steve “Holier Than Thou” Crowder wanted wasn’t a wife, but a kept woman with low self-esteem who was scared of him and would obey his every command. It’s the dream of every Right-wing incel- a woman who will be compliant, servile, and sexually available on command…and lacks the self-esteem to stand up for herself.

Unfortunately for them, women seldom work like that in the real world. They have feelings, interests, and desires and often have little enthusiasm for dropping everything because their man orders them to.

[N]ew video has emerged that shows some of the emotional abuse Crowder is accused of inflicting on his wife, Hilary, while she was eight months pregnant with his child, reported the New York Post on Friday.

In the Ring camera footage first obtained by journalist Yashar Ali, Crowder — who routinely extols the virtues of traditional masculinity and men's place in the social hierarchy on his YouTube content — rages at his wife for not respecting his imposed "boundaries" and not fulfilling her "wifely duties" like medicating the dogs – even as she protests the chemicals could harm her pregnancy.

"While being berated, Crowder’s wife Hilary repeatedly tries to reassure her husband that she loves him and is 'committed,'" the Post reported. "'I love you … but your abuse is sick,' she told him at one point — with him warning sternly: 'Watch it. Watch it. F---ing watch it.'"

Hilary alleged in the divorce that this sort of abuse had been going on for years. Even worse, Crowder has declined to be present for the birth of their twins in 2021.

He seems nice, eh? Mama must be SO proud.

No, the guy’s an über-Jesus-y self-absorbed dick.

Can you imagine going through life with Steven Crowder as your father? I think I’d be asking kids to beat me up on the playground just for that.

As for Hilary Crowder, my only question would be, “WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?” I don’t know how long they were married- long enough to have two kids (twins), at least- but she endured his arrogance, his creepy, holier-than-thou Christianity, and his apparent belief that women exist to “service” men. So who can blame her for getting out while she still has some life left?

I hope she finds someone who will treat her with respect, dignity, and love- just as any woman deserves.

Well, it's not just Texas. Although it may take longer in some states to get a divorce if one person opposes it, no one is forced to stay married to anyone else against their will — because of how women are not actually considered property anymore. Now, this may violate Steven Crowder's personal values and belief that his wife should be forced to stay with him whether she wants to or not. It may make life a little more difficult for aspiring Snidely Whiplashes and Count Olafs. But that is the way things are. Even in Texas. For now, anyway.

Yeah, imagine that- it’s almost like Hilary Crowder wasn’t considered her husband's property by the state of Texas.

And this is probably the first (and only) time you’ll hear the descriptor “woke” applied to the redder-than-red state of Texas. Austin may be “woke,” as well as parts of Houston and San Antonio, but Texas is about as woke as Vladimir Putin.

I feel for Crowder in the sense that getting divorced sucks- been there, done that, dude. Beyond that, though, it isn’t easy to gin up much sympathy for a guy who’s about as likable as Alex Jones when he’s off his Thorazine. Nevertheless, Steven “Holier Than Thou” Crowder has some significant issues, and until he gets to work on himself, he’ll remain a liability in any relationship.

Yeah, being an asshole would seem to be a severe liability.

Then again, there’s a lid for every pot, and there’s probably someone out there as messed up as he is but in ways that will mesh with Crowder just enough to work. Who knows? Perhaps it will keep them from inflicting themselves on other, more well-adjusted folks.

And they’ll probably breed. OMG, I feel sorry for Crowder’s offspring. Those are destined to be some seriously screwed-up kids. And they deserve better.