I Want To Be The New Wizard Of Christchurch!!

I don't even mind moving to New Zealand.

For more than two decades, the New Zealand city of Christchurch has annually paid thousands of dollars to Ian Brackenbury Channell, known as the official Wizard of New Zealand.

Now the city council wants him to disappear.

Channell has been paid $16,000 annually in New Zealand dollars (about $11,290 U.S.) – about $368,000 ($260,000 in U.S. dollars) over 23 years – for "acts of wizardry and other wizard-like services," the city's assistant chief executive Lynn McClelland said in a statement to USA TODAY.

"The Council is grateful for the valuable and special contribution The Wizard made to our city’s cultural life, and he will forever be a part of our history," she said.

Born in London, Channell began making appearances in the city's Cathedral Square in 1974, according to the city's library website. Over the years, his public appearances included rain dancing during droughts.

When I first heard this story, my first thought was ARE THEY HIRING?? I mean, come on; I’m growing my beard out, I can do certifiably crazy (even if I’m not), and chicks LOVE wizards (there’s something about a guy with a magic pole, don’tchaknow?), amiright?? What’s not to love about a job like that?

And I’d have to move to New Zealand? Oh, HELL yes!!! I’d row there on a leaky raft if I had to.

Grab your passport, honey and your COVID-19 card! We’re off to Middle Earth, or wherever it is that New Zealand is these days!!

From what I can see, all I’d have to do is make myself up to look like a sexier version of Sir Ian McKellan, find a wizard outfit that (more or less) fits, and a large magic pole. Then I’d wait for the tourists to show up so I could dance like a madman and chant wild incantations like, “HAKUNA MATATA!!” or “ET SPIRITU SANCTUM NO FOAM LATTE!!” or “JESUS IS MY HOMEBOY!!”

See? I’ve already got it nailed, right?? With a little practice, I’ll bet they wouldn’t even miss Ian Brackenbury Channell, though I bet he was KILLING it on tips.

The council recently sent him a letter saying his services would no longer be needed and that his presence didn't fit with its new tourism message, in a move first reported by The Guardian. The city's "promotional landscape" is changing, McClelland said, and will reflect "a vibrant, diverse, modern city that is attractive to residents, domestic and international visitors, new businesses, and skilled migrant workers."

Wait? What? Just as I was getting all excited about driving on the left side of the road and doing stuff with Eye Of Newt Gingrich and toadstools, they change things up on me?? How’s a wizard supposed to support himself these days??

Who knew Christchurch even HAD a “promotional landscape??” So they’re not looking for the weird “Dungeons-and-Dragons” types who come over to drop acid and look for Middle Earth? The kind who show up looking like they sold their soul to the local Star Trek convention and haven’t bathed since George W. Bush stood on the carrier deck of the USS Lincoln in San Diego Bay?

And what’s this “attractive to residents, domestic and international visitors, new businesses, and skilled migrant workers” thing all about, anyway? Are we talking about New Zealand- or Silicon Valley? I can be plenty attractive when I put my mind to it and remember to take my medication.

It does seem that Christchurch is quite embarrassed by its rather quaint history. But, on the other hand, I love how the city council is “grateful for the valuable and special contribution The Wizard made to our city’s cultural life, and he will forever be a part of our history.“

Now, Mr. Wizard, if you don’t mind, don’t let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you on the way out, ‘kay? ‘Cuz we got far more important things to do than keep tabs on a freak show in a weird hat and a robe running around town shouting stuff like “HAYWOODJABLOHMEE!!” and “MAKEMINEADOUBLE!!!” You’ve been scaring the tourists for FAR too long now.

I suppose one person’s Wizard is another’s mildly delusional late-stage alcoholic sexual deviant, eh??

“DILDOBAGGINSMOCHABOURBONCHAI!!”

“HEYSWEETHEARTHOLDMYBEER!!”

I have no idea what those chants actually invoke, but Angela Merkel just showed up naked on my front porch. She’s holding something that looks a lot like the Sword of Damocles- and she’s NOT happy.

I need to go.

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