If the Rapture does come, can they take Lauren Boebert and Jim Jordan? Please??

Meanwhile, I'm going to stick it out a while longer and wait for the Minnesota Vikings to win a Super Bowl

Trump supporters at a rally in Detroit, MI.

So, in case you didn’t know it (I certainly didn’t), Friday (or was it yesterday or perhaps today?) was supposed to be (yet another) Apocalypse Day (that didn’t happen; yawn). As far as I can tell, the Rapture didn’t happen. I mean, MTG and Lauren Boebert are (sadly) still among us, so yet again, another predicted Apocalypse seems to have come and gone unsuccessfully.

Damn the bad luck. Just when I thought we might finally be rid of Charlie Kirk.

Hopefully, you didn’t give away all your best shit in preparation for being sucked up into Heaven by a Divine vacuum cleaner because you’d have to go to Walmart and stock up again.

If you were paying attention to social media at all yesterday, then you probably know that the rapture was supposed to happen yesterday and it didn’t. Probably a lot of people are disappointed that they didn’t get vacuumed up into heaven, or because those they don’t especially care for didn’t get vacuumed up into heaven.

This, I believe, is the 70 billionth rapture/apocalypse that didn’t happen. Surely, they’ll get it right someday.

The part I think about constantly is this part where all of the bad post-Rapture people are going around beheading the good post-Rapture people who refuse to say they hate Jesus, so that those people then have a chance to get into heaven afterwards. Because “martyrdom is now the price of salvation.”

That sounds a bit dramatic because all I’ll be looking for after the Rapture (assuming it happens) is a decent apple fritter and some coffee. That doesn’t seem like too much to ask.

I also think it’ll be a lot easier to get ahold of an EV ‘cuz many of the owners will no longer be among us. Good riddance…hey, can I have your Tesla after you’re sucked up to Heaven?

Of course, there are those convinced it will happen today, Sunday, September 23, 2023. If so, I’m hoping it’ll happen before the Vikings-Chargers game. I’m tired of watching Kirk Cousins take the Vikings exactly nowhere, so get it over with. Suck him up to Heaven and let Minnesota go with whoever their backup QB happens to be, ‘kay? I don’t even care who it is; just someone who isn’t Kirk Cousins.

Of course, if you’re reading this and watching the videos, you probably realize that you only have a few short hours to get your affairs in order. So, if you have money you need to dispose of, please contact me at yuppieskum@gmail.com for my banking information. I’ll happily take care of all the excess cash, securities, and property you won’t need in Heaven.

You can thank me later.

Remember, Christians, y’all have only a few hours left….

From my perspective, of course, I’d wager that most of these well-meaning folks could stand to be drug-tested, but that’s just my cynical side speaking. I think they’re pulling this crap out of their backside, but what do I know? I’m an atheist and a History major who thinks the concept of an omniscient, invisible God is rather comical.

Besides, for pure entertainment value, these videos are hard to beat, yeah? These folks are so earnest, convinced of their conclusions, and sure God’s celestial suction tube will take them to Heaven that nothing else matters.

Besides, who wouldn’t rather live in a world without these clowns?

If these folks hadn’t slept through their junior high school civics classes, they’d understand that America is NOT a Christian nation. It’s a secular nation with a majority Christian population. The Founding Fathers were purposeful in setting up our government as a secular institution. They’d seen how thoroughly the admixture of Church and State had corrupted England. They wanted to create a nation where Church and State each had their place, but neither bled into the other’s lane.

And these Ph.D. candidates may not grasp that America has lasted 247 years mainly because the Christian Church hasn’t been allowed to corrupt the government…or vice-versa. We’re all free to pursue whatever faith tradition we see fit (or not), and the government has no say in the matter.

Unfortunately, some on the Far-Right would happily make their religion our government. The American Taliban is a Far-Right construct intended to force their faith into government institutions so they can rule accordingly.

Of course, RepoMan64 and I don’t see eye to eye on this subject, but that’s OK. I’ll repo his 2023 BMW 730il when he gets suctioned up to the Big Bouncy House in the Sky, so I figure I’ll win either way.

Or perhaps the Rapture has more to do with the desire to bring a Super Bowl back to New York, where long-suffering Jets and Giants fans would, in many cases, give their left testicles for a Lombardi Trophy.

Hey, y’all shouldn’t be looking at me. I’m a Minnesota Vikings fan. I have no idea what winning a Super Bowl feels like, and I’d sacrifice my firstborn son for a Lombardi Trophy…if I had one.

Nevertheless, I’ve resigned myself to a life of perpetual disappointment and quarterbacks with all the luck of Kirk Cousins. Perhaps Jets and Giants fans might find greater inner peace if they did the same. After all, Joe Willie Namath isn’t walking through the door…and even if he was, he’s 206 years old. The man has no knees; he’d never stand up against a pass rush.

“His” return? Who is “He” anyway? Are we talking about Aaron Rodgers? Richard Nixon? Mahatma Gandhi? Nelson Mandela? Pee Wee Herman?

I know; they’re talking about Jesus Christ, but I wonder about the alternatives since I don’t believe in the guy. And if anyone’s returning, Aaron Rodgers would probably do the most good right about now; Lord knows the New York Jets are in a world of hurt.

Me? I’m hoping for a 6’5” Fran Tarkenton or the entire 1999 Minnesota Vikings roster with a different kicker. Gary Anderson can take a hike.

Sorry, I can’t take all of the Rapture hysteria seriously- only because it seems like this happens about two to three times yearly. But, like I said earlier, if you want me to hold your money and physical assets, I’d be more than happy to do so.

In an untraceable offshore account. In Bermuda.

It’s the least I can do.

(All of my posts are now public. Any reader financial support will be considered pledges- support that’s greatly appreciated but not required to get to all of my work. I’ll leave it to my readers to determine if my work is worthy of their monetary support and at what level. To those who do offer their support, thank you. It means more than you know.)