If You Can't Beat 'Em, Give 'Em Frostbite

Soccer in Minnesota? In February? SERIOUSLY??

The American men’s national football team is coming to the frozen tundra.

Allianz Field and St. Paul will host a World Cup qualifier between the United States and Honduras on February 2, sources told Pioneer Press on Wednesday….

It’s a bold move to come to Minnesota to play in the middle of winter, with average temperatures in early February at a maximum of 25 degrees and a minimum of 9, with snow and wind cooling also possible.

The USMNT wants to create a home-court advantage, and that was seen elsewhere earlier this month when Canada beat Mexico in the cold, snow-covered Edmonton.

If there are weather problems, a procedure will be established with the CONCACAF Match Commissioner. Allianz Field, an outdoor stadium in the Midway district, has a heating system under its natural turf.

The qualifying process for World Cup soccer tournaments has always resembled a card game I used to play with my buddies when I was in the Army. The object of “Fuck Your Buddy” was precisely what you’d think it is- to manipulate someone until you no longer need them. Then you screw them over remorselessly and claim victory.

I’m not saying that’s what US Soccer thought when they decided to schedule a World Cup qualifying match against Honduras in…wait for it…St. Paul, MN, in February. Still, why else would US Soccer do it? Is the US Men’s National Team (USMNT) so desperately in need of home-field advantage that they’d risk Honduran players getting frostbite (or worse)? Or playing soccer in sub-freezing temperatures punctuated by liberal usage of “wind chill?”

Soccer isn’t a game that translates well to a winter “wonderland.” It’s played on grass by athletes in shorts and shirt sleeves. Games played in wintry conditions of any sort are usually pretty brutal.

The game on February 2 does not have many alternatives to potential delay, with FIFA’s international window running from January 24 to February. 2 and the United States will host El Salvador on January 27 and a trip to Canada on January 30.

Having lived in Minnesota for my first 23 years, I can speak to the meteorological possibilities with some considerable authority. Por ejemplo, the average high temperature in St. Paul during February doesn’t exceed freezing. And the less said about the average low temperature, the better.

February is the time of year in Minnesota when people have long since dragged their ice huts out onto frozen lakes. Many spend their weekends fishing through a hole cut into the ice. It’s not uncommon for the temperatures to drop into the single digits or even below zero. One has to feel for the Honduran players who’ll undoubtedly believe they’ve arrived in a frozen variation of Dante’s Hell.

It’s at times like this that I usually regale people unfamiliar with Minnesota winters with my own experience of the coldest temperatures I’ve faced. When I was perhaps 11 or 12, the temperature dropped to -54 in the small northern Minnesota town in which I grew up. The Twin Cities don’t often get that cold, but every couple of years, they’ll have a cold snap that drops temperatures into the -20s or -30s. That’s the AIR temperature, not the wind chill, which can be brutal in February.

Hopefully, that won’t be the case on February 2nd, but Minnesota in February can be brutal. I wonder what US Soccer would do when the Honduran national team refuses to take the field because they feel conditions are unplayable?

Here’s a good rule of thumb and one that US Soccer might want to keep in mind: If conditions are bad enough that you have to play with an orange ball, it’s too damned cold.

If I were the Honduran national soccer federation president, my payback would be to schedule the return match in the parking lot of a blast furnace. In the middle of a jungle.

I love the idea of US Soccer moving USMNT games around the country. It’s a great way to grow the game and build a fan base. It’s also a chance for American soccer fans to see some world-class soccer, which isn’t always possible unless your city has a Major League Soccer (MLS) team.

That said, the idea of playing soccer outdoors in Minnesota in early February is beyond absurd. The picture above is from Minnesota United FC’s (MUFC) first-ever home game, played in early March a few years ago. MUFC lost 6-1, and the game was virtually unwatchable. The moral of the story? MLS shouldn’t schedule games in Minnesota in March and early April.

And US Soccer has no business scheduling a World Cup qualifying match in Minnesota on February 2nd. There are a lot of weather-related issues that may crop up…and none of them are good. So if they want to play a game in St. Paul, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that, why not wait until mid-to-late April?

Snow, ice, and cold may make for entertainment bordering on something resembling pinball- but it produces lousy, almost unwatchable soccer. Unless, of course, you enjoy watching a game for the comic relief value.

And if you’re going to do that, might I suggest sticking to your six-year-old’s rec league games?

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