If you see these folks on the road to Fuck Around Town...run, Forrest, run!!!

So, you want some pointers on how to raise your Christian hypocrisy game??

When we last left Christian and Bridget Ziegler, they were up to the eyeballs in a sex scandal involving threesomes, lesbian sex, and a rape accusation. Of course, this might’ve been some good clean fun save for Bridget Ziegler being one of the founders of Moms for Liberty, a hyper-Christian, far-Right organization heavily involved in trying to ban books and the teaching of subjects in school classrooms.

Mrs. Ziegler is also a member of the Sarasota County School board, which I’m not going to comment on because this is a target-rich environment and that’s just low-hanging fruit, knowhutimean?

Christian Ziegler was the head of the Floriduh GOP when their good times were rolling. That came to an end in a helluva hurry because Republicans aren’t down with deviant sex…when they’re not getting it, that is. Oh, and there’s the whole rape thing, which Republicans frown upon—when they get caught doing it, of course.

Of course, most of us figure the Zieglers would deservedly fade into the sunset. After all, they’re powerful, God-fearing, White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual (mostly) Patriots. In Floriduh, that goes a long way, so it stood to reason that someone would make their legal problems disappear, and that would be the end of things.

That’s more or less what happened, but not before some very embarrassing details of the Ziegler’s means and methods were publicly exposed.

Is this what Jesus would have done? Only if he had gotten some tail in a while.

Are you ready for more sexxxytimes featuring Florida GOP power (top and/or bottom) couple Christian and Bridget Ziegler, the uptight and upright Christian pair who were revealed last year as threesome-enjoyers who voraciously trawled the Sarasota bar scene for trim with whom they vibed? Of course you are, you degenerates.

When last we heard anything about the Zieglers, Christian had been accused of raping one of those prospects and booted from his position (heh heh) as chair of the Florida Republican Party when he refused to step down while a criminal investigation was ongoing. Meanwhile, Bridget, a founder of censorious fascist busybodies Moms for Liberty, was somehow hanging on to her position on the Sarasota School Board despite many, many calls for her resignation. (She did have to quit her job at the conservative non-profit Leadership Institute, at least.)

While the criminal case against Christian was closed without charges being filed, the couple still sued to keep any records from the investigation from being made public. But the Florida Trident got its hands on a police report documenting the couple’s shenanigans. And boy are the details our sort of thing: hot, sleazy, and reducing the Zieglers to just another couple of weirdo Florida pervs out of a Tim Dorsey novel:

Investigators found “numerous sexual videos” on Christian Ziegler’s phone involving the couple and other women, according to Cox’s report. The detective noted that it wasn’t clear if the women in the videos knew they were being recorded or not. 

Oh, do tell….

If we’ve learned anything from the movies, it is that anyone surreptitiously taping a sexual encounter with an unsuspecting partner has nothing but the purest of motives. Also he is probably a serial killer. Has anyone checked the unsolved murder rate around Sarasota lately?

“There were numerous text messages between Bridget and Christian where they are on the prowl for a female and Bridget is directing him to numerous different bars in search of a female that they are both interested in,” Cox wrote of the Ziegler phone contents. 

Man, marriage is so weird. “Honey, on your way home, can you swing past a few bars and find me some tail? And also the drugstore, we’re out of toothpaste.”

“During these conversations Christian is secretly taking photographs of women in the bars and sending them to Bridget asking her if she wants this one or that one. Bridget is telling him to pretend to take pictures of his beer, so they don’t see him taking pictures of them. She tells him ‘Don’t come home until your dick is wet.’” 

Hold on to this one, Christian, she’s definitely a keeper!

OK…she sounds like someone’s dream girl, eh? And I’d wager that Bridget Ziegler is one helluva lot of fun after church on Sundays. What’s the old saying? “A kitten on the streets and a tiger between the sheets?”

Hey, and on the way home couldja pick me up a redheaded lesbian and a blonde with a nice rack? Oh, and we’re out of butter. Love ya, babe!!”

You’d think that Christian Ziegler would be smart enough to know that

[u]nlawfully taping women without their consent was another of the possible criminal charges Christian Ziegler faced, in addition to rape. But the State Attorney declined to file charges there, too. Christian Ziegler is a lucky man in multiple ways.

Then again, when you’re looking at women less as people and more as playthings, I suppose bars begin to look less like drinking establishments and more like bodegas with breasts.

For self-professed Conservative Christians, though, this sort of behavior is odd to the point of inexplicable. That said, as long as no one was getting hurt, what happened in the Ziegler’s bedroom is their own business, regardless of whatever hypocrisy may have been involved.

When the rape accusation was made, however, what had once been fun and games became significantly less so for everyone concerned.

Christian Ziegler managed to escape a trial when the State Attorney declined to file charges due to insufficient evidence. Yes, Ziegler is a lucky boy. It’s good to be a White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual Patriot in Ron DeSantis’ Floriduh these days. Inconvenient “problems” tend to magically disappear.

Funniest of all is that the Zieglers, in suing to keep the texts and other records a secret, claimed that the release would result in “great humiliation and harm to their individual reputations.” Which, it seems like that bird has long since flown the coop even before this latest leak, doesn’t it?

Of course Bridget Ziegler is not letting any of this stop her longtime crusade to make sure that children in Florida schools never, ever have the opportunity to hear or read about LGBTQ+ people simply existing, let alone anyone doing anything even remotely like all the stuff she and her husband were into:

Ziegler introduced a highly contentious resolution to ignore protections for LGBTQ students afforded by a new federal Title IX rule. The resolution, which followed a DeSantis legal challenge to Title IX at the state level, claims the new rule would cause “disastrous impacts to girls and women’s safety in restrooms, locker rooms, and sports.”

Hmm…funniest of all is that the Zieglers think they have individual reputations to salvage. By now, virtually everyone in the Sarasota area knows them as hypocritical horndogs and that Bridget, despite her anti-LGBTQ positions, willingly swings from both sides of the plate.

She’s now ALL about ensuring that Floriduh becomes the Sunshine State version of the NFL- No Fun ‘Llowed. Except that, like any tyrant worthy of the name, you can bet that she’ll find a way to live outside the law and have all the fun she’s managed to deny others. It’s WAY more exciting when you know that you enjoying things you know you’ve denied the proletariat.

I’m not going to be ridiculous and make a blanket statement that the GOP has a monopoly on moral reprobates—but it certainly does seem that way sometimes.

“Don’t come home until your dick is wet”…now there are eight words I can guaran-damn-tee my reader that I’ll NEVER hear from my wife.

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