In Which Jack Reveals His Unifying Theory Of Humanity

And, yes, it's every bit as sad and depressing as you might think

No, I didn’t have “An 81-year-old woman will be on the cover of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition” on my 2023 bingo card for May. But, then again, how many of us did? This world is becoming a more challenging place to predict, yes? Not that I have a problem with Martha Stewart gracing SI's cover at her “advanced” age. Snoop Dogg’s probably doing cartwheels.

You go, girl!

In an era when over-40 is invariably NOT the target demographic for anything (except maybe Depends), chalk this up as a victory for…well, I’m not sure what, but certainly for something good. Not everything has to be about the kids, damnit.

And, as one wag put it, "She's all kinds of goddamn.” Good for her.

Rock on, Martha….

Martha Stewart, the other successful woman James Comey tried to ruin, made history this week as the oldest woman to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue. She’s 81 and looks fabulous, not just in a superficial way, although she’s got that going on. No, she boasts a radiance that comes from inner peace and contentment….

Stewart, whose roast chicken is in fact perfect, wrote on Instagram: “I am so thrilled to be on the cover of [the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue]. My motto has always been: ‘when you’re through changing, you’re through,’ so I thought, why not be up for this opportunity of a lifetime? I hope this cover inspires you to challenge yourself to try new things, no matter what stage of life you are in.”

Stewart spent five months in prison, longer than some people who tried to overthrow the government. She even lived through that TV biopic starring Cybill Shepherd. Few people would begrudge her happiness, certainly no one in possession of a human soul … ok, you probably see where I’m going with this.

Monday, the panel on Fox News’s "Outnumbered" discussed the Stewart cover, and somehow Kayleigh McEnany was the voice of almost reason.

Yes, I AM shocked that Kayleigh McEnany was the (almost) voice of reason, but this is Fox News that we’re talking about, so you had to know there would be an asshole in the ointment.

All we had to do was wait for it.

"I think this is great," she said. "Celebrating women. You don't have to be a perfect model in your 20s. She looks beautiful, she looks great, I'm all for it.”

Co-host Emily Compagno added, "You know she looks happy."

Harris Faulkner agreed, “She does.”

But guest Lisa Boothe protested, “Am I the only hater?” She sounded pissed, like she was the only who showed up to the witch burning actually prepared to burn a witch.

"I'm going to be a hater," she insisted. "I'm not down with it. Like she's 81, what are we going to put like 90-year-olds on the cover?"

"Sure, why not," Faulkner replied, not quite buying Boothe’s Sports Illustrated slippery slope edition.

"It's like putting obese people on the cover," Boothe said, officially becoming the worst person who ever lived named Boothe. And yes, I know how Abraham Lincoln died.

Faulkner said, "I know 30-year-olds who don't look that good." Boothe is 38, so that's some deep shade.

"My memaw looks great in a bathing suit," McEnany volunteered. "And she was so proud of it.”

Keep up the good work almost being human, Kayleigh!

For a cable “news” operation where being female means an implied requirement to be blond, attractive, and a size 0, it was only a matter of time before the snark began to rain down.

And sure enough, there was Lisa Boothe, willing to play the role of “the worst person who ever lived named Boothe.” And, sho’ ‘nuff, she nailed it!

For all the content that gets spilled about the need for women to support one another (I think it was Madeleine Albright who once said, “There’s a special place in Hell for women who don’t help one another”), women sure can be catty. You’d think they’d recognize the need to lift up and support one another against the sometimes overwhelming power of the patriarchy. Sometimes, though, women are the worst when it comes to perpetuating that power and the stereotypes that accompany it.

And how is putting an attractive 81-year-old woman on the cover of a magazine “like putting obese people on the cover?” Not only do I fail to see the connection, but that’s also an incredibly insulting and condescending slap directed toward people not fortunate enough to have won the genetic lottery.

Hmm…like the women on “The Five” that day?

Oh, but Lisa Boothe was just getting warmed up….

Then Boothe proceeded to just rain evil. You expected a house to fall on her.

"I'm not down with it! Look, like I don't want to give young girls complexes, so I understand that we don't want to feed unhealthy perceptions among young people. We also don't need to go nuts with it, right? It's like telling people that like Lizzo is healthy or something. I'm sorry, you're not."

Lizzo is in fact healthy and wonderful. Boothe is the one who’s sick, and no amount of Pilates care cure her.

Faulker was apparently offended on Martha Stewart’s behalf that Boothe would compare her to a large Black woman. Boothe continued, "It's just like this whole movement of we have to have the oldest, we have to do this — I don't know, I'm not down with it, I'm sorry."

When can we expect Boothe's memoir, I'm Not Down With It: Notes From A Horrible Person?

Compagno asked if Boothe would feel better if they kept Sports Illustrated just for the young hot chicks, and the old broads could stick with Women’s Health, Town and Country, and, I guess, Corpse Digest.

Boothe pondered Compagno's separate but not equal proposal: "Yeah, like there is this whole thing now, and she's actually attractive, but there's this whole thing now where we're told like beauty is someone who's like objectively not attractive, right?"

I don’t think “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” is a new thing. I mean, this is literally fairy tale shit. Does Boothe watch that "Twilight Zone" episode and root for the bigoted pig people?

I’m not a Lizzo fan, but I can recognize someone comfortable in her own skin, and she is all of that, which is probably more than can be said for Lisa Boothe. Why else would she run down someone who’s almost certainly more talented and accomplished than she could ever hope to be? I mean, any no-talent disgruntled b***h can tear down someone just because, right?

Insecurities, perhaps? Maybe she only feels good about herself when she’s tearing others down. Pretty pathetic, I know, but that’s what it sounds like.

In a “conventional” sense, our society considers “beauty” to be young, white, pretty, and proportional. Unfortunately, few women make it to 40 still being considered beautiful, which is a damned shame because, like men, women at 40 are reaching the point in their life when they have so much to offer. To be denigrated because their physical beauty has “degraded” while men are celebrated for becoming “dignified” is absurd.

Perhaps it’s my perspective, but I find there’s something to be said for a woman with a “few miles” on her. Attitude, experience, maturity, grace, and intelligence can make for an exciting and desirable package. Sure, it’s lovely being horizontal for extended periods. But, eventually, you’re going to have to talk to the other person. If a relationship feels much better horizontally than vertically, how long will it last?

Of course, we all have our tastes and opinions concerning what we find attractive and desirable in others, and that’s as it should be. What SHOULDN’T be is the denigration of others because of your insecurities and/or immaturity. Of course, you may find someone unattractive, and that’s your prerogative- but that’s your opinion (and we all know what those are like), not a license to pass judgment on someone.

"Like, we are just in this like weird — I don't like the societal stuff that's going on right now," she whined, and when guest Guy Benson said he thought Stewart "looks beautiful," she simply continued her villain monologue.

"Not her specifically, but we're told, you know, hairy armpits is attractive, like it's not," she said, as the unquestioned arbiter of beauty. "You know what I mean? I just want to live in reality, that's all I want to do."

Boothe wants to live in a world where deep down everyone is as ugly as she is, but that reality will forever elude her. She’s alone. I almost feel sorry for her, but let's not get carried away.

There’s nothing inherently ugly about the human body, save for our perception of it- and much of that is shaped by Madison Avenue. We all grow up being force-fed specific ideas of beauty, and it’s all in the name of selling particular products. Unfortunately, that’s what the advertising industry has done to us- especially women- to get us to chase a virtually unattainable ideal of beauty.

It’s the chase that pads the profit margins of cosmetic companies and their advertising agencies.

Of course, that ideal has changed and morphed over the years as social mores have changed and companies have developed new products they wanted to sell to women (and, to a lesser degree, men). Because in the end, it was all about convincing women that their Prime Directive was to be as desirable as possible to men.

Lisa Boothe wanting “to live in reality” has nothing to do with living in objective reality. Her “authenticity” is whatever she’s chosen to accept from the indoctrination she’s been subjected to during her 38 years on Earth. That’s not “reality.” That’s marketing.

“Beauty” really IS in the eye of the beholder. It’s what we see and accept as beautiful, whatever that might mean to an individual. It’s a matter of taste, socialization, experience, and disposition. And it’s why “beauty” lacks one concrete, universally accepted definition. It’s also why phrases like “The Most Beautiful Woman in the World” are ridiculous. Such a subjective statement can never be measured in objective, quantifiable terms. You might call a woman a “ten,” but how is that measured? How is it quantified?

The short answer, of course, is that it can’t be.

I can tell you what’s ugly, though. It’s people like Lisa Boothe who believe that hating on those who fall short of their standard of “beauty” is perfectly acceptable. But even in that standard, there will be exceptions- because there will be those who will agree with her wholeheartedly.

This is why my unifying theory on humanity is devastatingly simple and yet depressingly accurate:

SOME FOLKS ARE BORN ASSHOLES. AND SO THEY’LL LIVE LIKE ASSHOLES. THEN, SOMEDAY, THEY’LL DIE LIKE ASSHOLES. AND THE WORLD WILL MOVE ON. CINIS CINEREM, PULVIS IN PULVEREM.

Tune in tomorrow when I’ll tell the Nobel Committee where they can mail my Peace Prize.