Is Slut-Shaming Green M&Ms Really An Effective Marketing Strategy?
Because Conservatives LOVE "flirtatious lesbian banter"
With her white go-go boots and thick lashes, the Green M&M was the Marilyn Monroe of the confectionery world. Everyone adored her – girls, gays and gamers alike. Green appeared in adverts crawling on her hands and knees at the beach like a 2000s Jennifer Lopez video. She was always engaged in flirtatious lesbian banter with the other female M&M, the coquettish Brown, or putting a piece of chocolate into her mouth before making a joke about premature ejaculation. When the feminist academic Camille Paglia once wrote that “the great sex symbols of Hollywood were manufactured beings, engineered by trial and error, with the mass audience as their ultimate judge and jury”. I like to think she was talking about the Green M&M.
Not so any more.
To most of us, they’re just commercials. But, let’s be honest; quite frequently, they insult our intelligence. Talking M&Ms? Really? Every time I see one of those commercials, I think, “What? Am I 12??” And yet they continue, ‘cuz they evidently continue to sell hard candy-covered chocolate to the drooling masses- of which, yes, I am often one.
And I’ll be making no apologies for that.
I find it difficult to imagine that anyone’s made a career out of developing a backstory for Green M&Ms…or Yellow…or Brown…or, well, you smell I’m talking cooking, right? Someone with a high-flying marketing degree is making six figures on Madison Avenue making up personal attributes for a @!#$&^% piece of candy.
Man, am I in the wrong line of work, or what???
Still, has anyone ever looked at Green M&Ms and thought, “I really wish she was more assertive and not so slutty?” Or hoped that Orange somehow finally learns how to tie his shoelaces? I mean, he IS supposed to be an adult.
In a move that is sure to genuinely rattle Fox News hosts like a box of Tic Tacs, Mars Wrigley announced on Thursday that the M&M squad will be undergoing a “progressive” makeover. Green will now wear trainers in order to “reflect confidence and empowerment as a strong female” who is “known for much more than her boots”. Brown’s heels will also be lowered to a more professional height. Red, the cocksure alpha of the group, has learned to treat his co-chocolates with kindness, while anxious Orange will be “embracing his true self” (ie, tying his shoelaces, presumably because he’s afraid of falling down).
So, not only do all of the different colored M&Ms have their own backstories, they have distinct personalities and quirks. And, just like any human being striving to be their best self, they’re (allegedly) growing and developing. That accounts for their “progressive” makeover, whatever that means.
It could be worse, I suppose. At least Mars Wrigley didn’t decide to turn the M&Ms klan into Republicans, a la Alex Keaton (Google it, kids).
Because, to no one’s surprise, Conservatives like Tucker Carlson have their panties in a wad over these changes. As if M&Ms have anything to do with anything except candy. The idea that they have political significance in any sense is patently absurd.
Not that said absurdity has ever stopped Conservatives from getting their two cents in. “Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them” Really? They’re talking anthropomorphic pieces of candy. Who’d want to have a drink with them?? They’re by nature deeply unappealing- until you pop them in your mouth. Who cares if they’re androgynous?
Evidently, having solved all of the world’s other pressing problems, Carlson has decided to take on talking anthropomorphic talking candy. I think it might be time for someone to take a drug test, knowhutimean??
Perhaps Tucker Carlson has run out of weighty issues to discuss. Or he’s fresh out of cheap insults to lob at Liberals. He still has air time to fill, right? So why not M&Ms? After all, they’ve been doing just fine all these years, and NOW Mars Wrigley decides that Green is too slutty and Orange needs to become more self-actualized? I mean, when will all the political correctness stop?
Oh, the humanity.
If Mars really wanted to appeal to Gen Z, they should have given each M&M a bisexual girlfriend and £40,000 in student debt.
There’s an idea.
‘Course, it’s not difficult to imagine what Tucker Carlson would do with that plot twist.
I can only speak for myself, but I don’t care if Carlson finds M&Ms to be "deeply unappealing and totally androgynous." I only know that when I want something crunchy and chocolate, M&Ms are a pretty good choice. I’m not thinking of each color’s backstory. I’m just trying to make sure I don’t eat so many M&Ms that I make myself sick- it’s been known to happen.
Man, some folks really need to lighten up, knowhutimean??
Then again, there’s the real reason behind the whole “progressive makeover.” It’s undoubtedly a sinister Liberal plot, no doubt funded by George Soros, to weaken the family and replace parents with the power of the State.
Or maybe they’re just candy. Who knows??
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