It's A Bird, It's A Plane...It's A Penis-Shaped Shrub?

What else are you going to do when you live in the suburbs??

I like to think this is my contribution to keeping Tualatin weird. Trust me, there are far more offensive things I could come up with.

• Lynn Stanek

Tualatin is a sleepy vanilla, White-as-White-can-be suburb just south of Portland on I-5. Nothing much happens in Tualatin, which is most renowned for hosting the training complex for the NBA’s Portland Trail Blazers. And when I say that nothing much happens in Tualatin, I mean precisely that. So when this story came along, I figured it might provide a nice break from the madness and Sturm ünd Drang created by Ron DeSantis and other corrupt Right-wing zealots in the American Taliban.

(And, if nothing else, when y’all are done with this, you can say you’ve heard of Tualatin, OR.)

It’s not every day a penis-shaped shrub pops up in your neighborhood, and it’s even less common when said phallic arbor vitae becomes a celebrity of sorts.

My suburban neighborhood is home to a 12-foot-tall arborvitae shaped like a circumcised penis. Frankly, it’s the most exciting thing to happen in Tualatin since The Beatles spent the night at the old Sweetbrier Inn.

The impressive arborvitae, aka the “chub shrub,” is the brainchild of Lynn Stanek, a business owner who has lived in Tualatin, a Portland suburb, for 24 years. Stanek said she amused herself for at least 20 years by daydreaming about shaping her front yard shrub into phallic form. The dream became a reality on Aug. 28, 2021.

“I was out there trimming the thing with a 24-inch bar on my hedger thinking, ‘I’m 90% of the way there, why not today?’” Stanek said. Before going full-on chub shrub, Stanek polled her neighbors to see how they felt about having a penis tree pop up in their cul-de-sac.

What suburban homeowner doesn’t dream of having a phallic arbor vitae in their front yard, right (it would make me very happy)? Just think of the conversational possibilities. It’s turned out to be a great way to interact with neighbors and people in Tualatin that Stanek probably never would’ve otherwise had reason to talk to.

Stanek’s immediate neighbors, Anthony and Natalie Ballas, thought it was a fine idea. Stanek said other neighbors seemed to think she was kidding. Still, nobody threw themselves in front of her trimmer, so she proceeded with her arboreal bris.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, “why?”

Of course, anyone who knows me understands that I’d be looking for ANY reason to create a phallic arbor vitae. Sadly, there are none in my front yard, but a boy can dream, yeah??

Why NOT have some fun with it? After all, 50% of the population has a penis. It’s not exactly a state secret or a sin against the church. It’s a physiological fact.

That some folks might take offense over the “chub shrub” makes me wonder if they find joy in anything in their life. Even the ancient Greeks had fun with phallic symbols. Have any of y’all never seen a satyr?

Methinks someone may need to dial back on the Viagra, don’tchathink?

In the middle of the pandemic, when everything sucked, what did Lynn Stanek have to lose by having some fun? Nothing. Everything sucked donkey balls, anyway, and you had to find your joy where you could. Sometimes you had to manufacture it.

Or sculpt it from flora and fauna.

Stanek said that with a global pandemic raging and American politics in upheaval, she was fed up with almost everything. Claiming the carefully sculpted arborvitae accurately captured her feelings at the time, she said, “I finally just went with it.”

When I first spotted the provocative shrub, I wasn’t sure it was an intentional act. Then Stanek gave it a Halloween costume. It was hard to miss the intentionality in a penis-shaped bush covered in yards of white polyester cobweb fabric. The new neighborhood attraction was now encased in a condom.

Then people began to take notice of Stanek’s penis-shaped arbor vitae, and it began to take on a life of its own. And in a time when things weren’t always so great, her phallic shrub became a surprisingly bright spot in the lives of a lot of people.

It turns out that most people have a sense of humor and understand the need to laugh. Because humor and a sense of the absurd can be beautiful things to cling to, especially in the midst of a global pandemic when large numbers of people are dying from something no one can see, touch, or smell.

Stanek never misses a holiday now, mainly because her neighbors and passersby pitch in and join the fun. And it’s become much more than just one person’s bawdy shrub; it’s something the entire community (and beyond) has come to identify with.

My favorite was World Vasectomy Day when the naughty arborvitae was adorned with a giant pair of scissors and a thoughtfully placed bag of frozen peas. Stanek reports that one woman stopped to let her know the display had motivated her foot-dragging husband to get snipped.

The community response to Stanek’s yard work has been overwhelmingly positive, with more than a few neighbors donating decorations and proposing new themes.

“One gal even stopped to tell me how much her terminally ill sister loved it. She said her sister would light up every time they drove past it on the way to get her treatments,” Stanek said.

I walk by the ribald shrub all the time, and there’s always someone stopping there to take a picture or have a conversation. A typical response is the one I received from fellow Tualatin resident and radio legend Iris Harrison – “It puts a smile on my face, and I love it. I get a good laugh every time I drive by.”

OK, so it hasn’t been universally loved. One unknown person dumped a large quantity of salt at the base of the arbor vitae when Stanek was out of town. Fortunately, the shrub survived the assault and carried on.

And, yes, someone will always be willing to pee in someone else’s sandbox….

[N]ot everyone is a fan – a small number of people have complained on Next Door and to the local government. When Tualatin started promoting itself as “Tree City USA,” I doubt its elected officials had Stanek’s vision in mind.

Perhaps not, but what’s so obscene about Stanek’s arbor vitae? It’s not like she has two cherubs having sex in various positions on her front lawn. Or lawn gnomes. Now that could be fun, eh?

(Note to self: We need more lawn gnomes.)

When I was in college, my roommate had a collection of smurfs. So my girlfriend and I would take turns putting them in obscene positions whenever we left the house. Oddly enough, Jeff never appreciated our humorous gestures as much as we did.

Go figure.

Of course, you’ll find obscenity if you’re looking for it. So why look for reasons to be offended?

Stanek has been stopped in the grocery store and asked if she’s “the penis lady”- I suppose there are worse things to be known for, eh? The arbor vitae even has its own Facebook page and Instagram account. The Instagram account is run by a neighbor of Stanek’s who goes by the nom de plume “Richard Bush.”

Hey, if you can’t have a little fun with it….

Once the Tualatin city attorney decided there was nothing illegal in what Stanek was doing, she was free to tend to her atypical topiary display. That her neighbors and many in the Tualatin area have supported what Stanek’s doing proves that a wry sense of humor can go a long way.

In a world where agony, strife, and conflict too often rise to the top of the news cycle, what’s so wrong with a phallic arbor vitae now and then? It’s a conversation piece that brings people together, attracts attention from all over the world, and brings smiles to many a face. In my book, those are all good things. Yes, our world could use more penis-shaped arbor vitae.

(Note to self: A trip to a garden store might be in order.)

Imagine what might’ve happened had this innocent arbor vitae displayed its wares in Floriduh or any other red state. Good Lord, someone would’ve staged an exorcism and sacrificed a virgin in front of Lynn Stanek’s home. Of course, that would probably be just before someone doused the “chub shrub” in gasoline and torched it.

Because nothing says “joyless Conservative Christian” like losing one’s s**t over a shrub, no?