Jesus loves you...but the rest of us know you're an asshole

Kelly and Mike Johnson are the original asshole Christian power couple

The Johnsons will happily cast the first stone.

When one with honeyed words but evil mind

Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state.

• Euripides, Orestes

I don’t enjoy writing nasty things about people, but when they’re hateful hypocrites, I sometimes feel almost duty-bound to raise the alarm. Not that anything I say in my dank, cobwebby corner of da Interwebz will make a difference, but at least I can console myself with the knowledge that at least someone somewhere is putting information out there that needs to be read.

The more I learn about new House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA), the more evil and distasteful he seems. There’s little about Johnson that speaks to him being a good, caring person…and his wife is cut from the same reprehensible cloth. They’re both intolerant, judgmental, holier-than-thou Christians far too concerned with how others conduct themselves than with living Christ-like lives themselves.

And the news keeps getting better and better. And by “better,” I mean creepier and worse.

The wife of newly elected House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) runs a counseling business that advocates the belief that homosexuality is comparable to bestiality and incest, according to its operating documents.

Johnson and his wife, Kelly, have long intertwined their political and business lives: They became a known entity in the late 1990s when they went on national television as the face of Louisiana’s new marriage covenant law, which makes it harder to get a divorce. Today, they co-host a podcast, “Truth Be Told,” where they talk about political and social issues from a conservative Christian perspective. Their podcast is up to 69 episodes.

Wow, she seems nice, eh? For someone so opposed to homosexuality, she seems way too concerned with it. If she’s so against being LGBTQ, then why not ignore it? Why devote so much time and energy to telling people how dirty/nasty/awful it is? What’s she so afraid of?

Of course, in the coming era of “The Handmaid’s Tale,” where America morphs into Gilead, the Johnsons will be the perfect Commander and wife. Mike Johnson will be able to ruthlessly exercise the leadership required of a high-level Commander. Kelly Johnson can use her counseling experience to turn the women of Gilead into perfect servants of the state Jesus Christ.

“We have been working in ministry side by side and together for our whole marriage,” Johnson said last year when he and his wife launched their podcast, in an interview with The Message, a website that connects members of the Louisiana Southern Baptist community.

The House speaker’s identity as an evangelical Christian has been a driving force in his personal life and his career, which includes eight years as the senior attorney and national spokesperson for a legal nonprofit affiliated with the religious right.

“Go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it ― that’s my worldview,” Johnson told Fox News’ Sean Hannity in a Thursday night interview. “That’s what I believe, and so I make no apologies for it.”

And now we have the entire Republican Caucus in the House of Representatives behind Mike Johnson. They elected him unanimously, which means they own the Speaker who would, given an opportunity, almost certainly erase the wall separating Church and State.

This makes November 2024 more important than ever because if Republicans take the White House and secure majorities in the House and Senate, things in this country could look very different beginning 1.20.25

The agreement states that Onward Christian Counseling Services is grounded in the belief that sex is offensive to God if it is not between a man and a woman married to each other. It puts being gay, bisexual or transgender in the same category as someone who has sex with animals or family members, calling all of these examples of “sexual immorality.”

“We believe and the Bible teaches that any form of sexual immorality, such as adultery, fornication, homosexuality, bisexual conduct, bestiality, incest, pornography or any attempt to change one’s sex, or disagreement with one’s biological sex, is sinful and offensive to God,” says the eight-page business document.

This agreement also refers to “pre-born babies” and says the company is committed to defending and protecting all human life, “from conception through natural death.”

Speaker Johnson’s signature is on the last page. He notarized the document on July 1, 2017.

I don’t care if the Johnsons believe that sex is proper only when it’s between consenting adults and their pet llamas…and only for purposes of procreation. It’s none of my damned business what they believe or do behind closed doors- just as it’s none of their business what anyone else does.

No one has the right to force their beliefs and/or morality on anyone else. If you believe tree frogs are the highest life form and that they possess the power to handicap National Hockey League games for you…well, good on you, Sunshine. I hope you make some decent money on those bets.

But let’s not forget that what you do is your own business and what someone else does is theirs…and never the twain shall meet, knowhutimean? You do you, and that’s where your authority ends. You don’t get to piss in someone else’s sandbox because you believe your imaginary friend tells you to go ahead and ruin their day.

Life doesn’t work that way.

Comparing homosexuality to bestiality and incest was relatively common among Republicans in the early 2000s, when the party made battling same-sex marriage a central issue during President George W. Bush’s reelection bid in 2004. Then-Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) famously made the comparison in 2003, suggesting a Supreme Court case striking down state bans on sodomy would open the door to “man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.”

Those comments have become far less acceptable ― but remain just as offensive ― as marriage equality has risen in popularity. Seventy-one percent of adults believe same-sex marriage should be legal, according to Gallup. Santorum apologized for his comments in 2015, the same year the U.S. Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide.

Kelly Johnson’s document was drawn up two years after that.

You know what? Go ahead and believe that if you want. You can believe that homosexuality is the moral equivalent of being a Packers fan or that atheism is a sin on par with never watching The Kardashians. That’s the beauty of America. We’re still a free country…at least until 1.20.25, so for at least the next 15 months, American Taliban Christians don’t get to tell people what they can or can’t do.

AND he’s short on cash….

And those who believe they do have the right to oppress “nonbelievers,” like Mike and Kelly Johnson, can spend their free time playing with self-heating buttplugs for all I care. They have neither the right nor the authority to tell me or anyone else who I can f**k. So, if someone decides they want to have a little sexy time with their neighbor’s prize goat or their wife or the tailpipe of a 2015 Maybach, why not? It’s a free country, and as long as one’s willing to assume whatever risks may be entailed…party on, Garth.

It’s not clear whether Speaker Johnson, who is a constitutional lawyer and has a long record of attacking LGBTQ+ and women’s rights in the courts, believes that homosexuality is akin to bestiality and incest, and that life begins at conception. More importantl it’s not clear whether the Louisiana Republican plans to use the power of the speakership to advocate for policy changes that reflect these kinds of ideologically extreme conservative Christian principles.

But it’s not much of a leap to suggest that Mike Johnson’s religious beliefs will bleed over into his work as Speaker of the House. Indeed, they already are.

And even if that doesn’t frighten you, it shouldn’t sit well with you. The separation of Church and State has never been more threatened than it is today.

In one of their most recent podcast episodes, on Sept. 8, Johnson and his wife discuss “How to Stand for Religious Freedom & Address the ‘Separation of Church and State.’” That episode came after a speech Johnson gave on the House floor in April in which he decried the “so-called separation of church and state” and insisted the Constitution does not bar the government from supporting religious beliefs.

“The Founders wanted to protect the church from an encroaching state, not the other way around,” Johnson said in his floor remarks.

Caroline Ciccone, president of Accountable.US, a nonprofit that examines power and influence in Washington, said the fact that Johnson is now the House speaker means there will be “more attempts to force a far-right agenda on everyday Americans.”

“The more we learn about Speaker Mike Johnson, the worse it gets,” Ciccone said. “His extensive far-right voting record and history of radical anti-LGBTQ and anti-abortion statements make him one of the most extreme members of the House MAGA majority.”

Today, we have the security of knowing that a Democrat in the White House and a Democratic majority in the Senate protects us from whatever illiberal excesses may emerge from the House. That will protect us until November of next year. If Republicans, God forbid, reap undeserved rewards, and the American Sheeple grants them a Republican in the White House and majorities in the House and Senate, Wir sind SEHR gefickt.

The odds of all that happening seem slim now, but who thought The Former Guy would win the 2016 election when he announced his candidacy in 2015?

Short answer: No one. He was a joke, a laughingstock…but no one was laughing in November 2016, when he lost by 3 million votes yet somehow won the Electoral College (I don’t know, either…ask the Russians).

Tuesday will be precisely 12 months from Indecision 2024, and the question is and will remain: What kind of America do you want to see? Do you want to see Gilead come to life, an America where pseudo-Christians are up in your business 24/7/365? Or do you want to preserve the Constitution and the rights we’ve enjoyed for the past 234 years?

I know what kind of America Mike and Kelly Johnson want to see.

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