Love is love, people are people, respect is respect

You don't have to be an expert on the LGBTQ community, but a little respect goes a long way

I’ve written about this topic previously but came across something a while back that caught my interest, so I thought I’d revisit it. First, though, allow me to begin with the requisite disclaimer:

I’m a 64-year-old White heterosexual male, married with no children. My knowledge of gender and sexual identity issues could fit into a 12-oz. coffee cup and have room for cream left over. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care or I’m uninterested, far from it.

It does mean that I’m old enough that as I came of age, there were only two acknowledged genders. You were a boy or a girl. A or B. Left or right. Up or down. Sunup or sundown. One or two. There was no confusion because there were only two choices, and one of the two appeared on your birth certificate, which is about the time everyone stopped thinking about the significance of gender.

It turns out that even when life was simple, it wasn’t nearly so simple. People just buried the inconvenient and uncomfortable stuff in dark corners and never talked about it, so I was never exposed to things like gender dysphoria.

Fast forward a few decades, and I feel like I was buried in a time capsule. I’ve had to learn on the fly that gender isn’t a binary, either/or construct, but rather a continuum…and yes, that boom you heard was my mind being blown.

I have no problem freely admitting to my ignorance when it comes to understanding gender. I don’t fully understand the continuum, the idea of gender fluidity, or the constantly changing lexicon surrounding gender. I feel like a remedial English student in an advanced Shakespeare class where everyone’s parsing the meaning of Bill Shakespeare’s Ye Olde English witticisms.

I’m approaching cluelessness; I admit it. And I’m OK with that.

I’m OK with it because I realized I don’t have to be an expert. After all, who is? I suppose there are a few folks out there with a Ph.D. in gender studies who are probably on top of things, but most everyday folks don’t have a fucking clue, either.

I’m in good company.

CALL NOW!!! OPERATORS IN PYONGYANG ARE STANDING BY!!!

A few weeks ago, I came across something that helped to make understanding this issue much easier for a noob like myself. Crip Dyke from Pervert Justice published a “Glossary of Terms Related to Gender, Sex and Sexuality.” As the subtitle says, “Learn this, and you know more than 99% of the people around you.”

So, I set out to peruse the glossary and learn what I could. After going through it, I’m unsure whether I’m more knowledgeable and/or less confused. I’m more aware that there’s a lot more to issues relating to gender, sex, and sexuality than I’d realized.

There’s no doubt that I have a lot to learn, but I’ve yet to come across anyone in the LGBTQ community who wasn’t willing to be patient with me. In many cases, they’re learning themselves; the mere fact of being LGBTQ doesn't automatically confer expert status. There’s a learning curve, no matter who you are.

Perhaps the most essential part of the glossary was the second to last paragraph:

USAGE NOTE: for any of these terms, when attempting to apply these to an individual, please use them only as people use them for themselves. Mirror back the language you hear. None of these definitions are intended to justify labeling someone consistent with the definition but inconsistently with how that person uses (or doesn’t use) the term with respect to themself.

More than anything, it’s about respecting and learning how people see and define themselves. Mirror back the language you hear. I don’t know that this can be stressed too much. A person will often let you know how they wish to be referred to by the language they use to refer to themselves.

By no means a definitive list

I may not ever gain the measure of understanding that will allow me to feel confident about my knowledge of gender, sex, and sexuality. Even as I learn about the issues surrounding those topics, they evolve and change, necessitating more efforts to remain current. Still, the fact that I may never fully understand need not be an issue. My experience has shown me that most people in the LGBTQ community don’t demand expertise. Most are happy with sincere love, compassion, and an effort to meet them where they are.

It’s the effort you make to meet people on their turf that counts, not necessarily the expertise.

As a middle-aged White Heterosexual male, the odds are pretty good that most of the issues related to gender, sex, and sexuality will escape me, and that’s OK. I’m not pursuing a Ph.D; I’m just trying to be honest, respectful, and loving. All I want to be able to do is to show people the same respect I hope they’d show me.

How do I identify? As a clueless heterosexual white male. I think that sums it up nicely.

Things used to be simple—or so I keep telling myself. The truth is that none of these things are new. The gender identities and sexualities that are coming to light now are a reflection of the human condition, and they’ve been part of that condition as long as there have been humans. As a species, we’ve been unable to face the realities of this part of our existence until now, but it’s not like these “new” things popped up out of nowhere.

They’ve been part of who we humans have been since we climbed out of the primordial ooze and discovered that life was better once we stopped dragging our knuckles. We just haven’t been able to accept that part of ourselves until now. We still have a lot of work to do.

We should remember that it’s about respect, kindness, and compassion- treating people how we hope they’d treat us.

That shouldn’t be so difficult—right??

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