More Great Moments in Stupid, brought to you by Elon Musk
“Brilliant businessman, space nazi, and free-speech absolutist” says WUT???
No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have searched the record for years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
H.L. Mencken, The Gist of Mencken: Quotations from America's Critic
Just in time for the Christmas season, allow me to offer up perhaps the one thing I can guaran-damn-tee you probably weren’t thinking of, don’t need, and wouldn’t buy if Elon Musk held a gun to your head:
I know. I, too, wish I were kidding, but I couldn’t make this stuff up if I you held a loaded gun to my head. Never mind that making beer is fundamentally different from producing a truck, but the “brilliant businessman, space nazi, and free-speech absolutist” has outdone himself. Or has he?
One has to wonder….
The Cyberbeer is available from the company’s online shop at US$150, with the limited edition set including two 330ml bottles and two steins in angular, black ceramic vessels which celebrates the Cybertruck’s “exoskeleton” to sip the beer in.
The beer, which is only available to consumers in the US, is brewed and bottled in California by Buzzrock Brewing Co. It is a Helles Lager brewed with European noble hops Saaz and Hallertau Mittlefruh, and comes in at a pokey 7% ABV.
The bottles also have a Cyberbeer watermark that apparently looks better when chilled. The steins were glazed and fired to reflect the design of the Cybertruck, and finished with a glossy interior and, of course, the Tesla logo.
The description of the product in the shop also gives a flavour profile of “accentuated by notes of herb and spice and more notable aromas of tea and citrus”.
Despite the flowery words used to describe the “flavour profile,” the actual profile seems closer to “notes of used jockstrap, shower mold, and more notable aromas of cat urine and rotting flesh.”
Yeah, you lost me at cat urine….
Let’s say we should hope that Tesla’s Cybertruck gets better reviews than its imbibable companion, which is getting universally panned.
I hate to think about what might happen to the first person to park a Cybertruck at a honky-tonk in East Bumfuck, TX. My guess is that it won’t survive the night without ending up on blocks or being set on fire. Or both.
Cybertruck, which Musk originally said would debut in 2021 with a base price of $39,900 (which, did seem improbably low), now seems more realistically priced. Kelley Blue Book estimates the single-engine version will debut with a base price of $50,000.
Some reports indicate the single-engine version of Cybertruck won’t be available initially.
Car and Driver estimates the dual-engine Cybertruck will be available with a base price of around $70,000.
Let’s hope Cybertruck is an improvement over Cyberbeer, eh?
Some Tesla superfans aren't thrilled with Tesla's new CyberBeer — and they're taking to social media to air their grievances.
"Tesla Cyberbeer is hot garbage," one person complained in a post on X on Tuesday. "Not only is the lid RUSTED but the beer is also nasty." ….
The set comes with two 11-ounce bottles of CyberBeer — which Tesla describes on its website as a "Helles Lager" with two different types of hops and notes of herb, spice, tea, and citrus.
And the two "matte black ceramic" steins are designed to mimic the form of Tesla's Cybertruck, the long-awaited EV pickup truck that may enter production before the year's end.
Tesla did not immediately respond to Insider's request for comment, so it's not clear how many of these CyberBeer + CyberStein sets the company has already sold, but the company notes that the set is now sold out on its website.
This shows that Elon Musk’s superfans will buy pretty much anything Tesla produces, no matter how awful it may be. After all, the “brilliant businessman, space nazi, and free-speech absolutist” is the world’s richest man, so he must be doing something right.
Sadly, great wealth does not always flow from the production of great products. Ask anyone who once worked for Enron (where I was a contractor present at the demise).
Or is he just hoodwinking the masses into believing he’s a “brilliant businessman, space nazi, and free-speech absolutist” while he’s peddling hopped-up bullshit to the masses?
This isn’t the first time Tesla has marketed novelty items, which generally sell out quickly. Cyberbeer, however, is the first of the company’s novelty items to receive such poor reviews.
The GigaBier that Tesla began selling in April — a Pilsner-style lager that also came in a Cybertruck-inspired bottle — was largely met with excitement from customers on social media.
On Elon Musk-owned X, there are several posts of people enjoying the beer with friends, showing off the unusual bottle on the hood of their car, and noting that it "tastes pretty good."
Tesla also released a branded tequila in 2020 that came in a lightning-shaped bottle, retailed for $250, and sold out within hours.
When Tesla briefly brought the tequila back in stock a second time in 2021, it sold out almost immediately.
Even Elon Musk's fragrance, Burnt Hair — which was intended to conjure "the essence of repugnant desire" — was sold out (all 30,000 bottles) within days of its launch, and didn't seem to drum up any major complaints.
Yes, Burnt Hair. It seems people will buy anything produced by Tesla…even “the essence of repugnant desire,” whatever that might mean or, more importantly, smell like. If you’ve ever smelled burning hair, it’s unlikely you’d want to buy anything that captures that fragrance.
It’s far more likely you’d want to vomit.
Cybertruck looks like something out of a psychotic’s worst nightmare…but, like anything Tesla puts out, people will undoubtedly be lining up to buy it.
Why? I’m not sure there’s a rational explanation. Then again, some fanboys would buy a soiled jockstrap if it had been worn by the “brilliant businessman, space nazi, and free-speech absolutist.”
Eww….
Cybertruck looks like something out of a “Mad Max” movie, but I fully expect that before long, I’ll look up and see someone speeding down Burnside Street in Portland in a Cybertruck with a not-so-subtle “LOOKITME!!!” Oregon vanity plate.
If you’d spend $75 for a bottle of shitty beer, then you’re probably the type of person who’ll spend a gazillion bucks for a crappy and horribly impractical EV truck. At least I think it’s a truck. You could mount an M-60 machine gun on the roof and drive it into battle, courtesy of the “brilliant businessman, space nazi, and free-speech absolutist.”
With a bottle of Tesla tequila and a Burnt Hair air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror (assuming there is one), you could ride into that battle without a care in the world.
Sure, you’d probably get destroyed immediately, but you’d be feeling no pain and smell fabulous, no?
Priorities, people.
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Why anyone would pony up $75 -- $250 for some skeevy-ass lager that hasn't even been aged (or, likely, filtered or pasteurized) is really beyond me.
But don't worry about anyone setting the truck on fire. It will burst into flames all on its own.