No Wonder We Couldn't Find WMDs in Iraq; They Were Here The Whole Time
White Misogynistic Dumbfucks, that is
Every day is truly a new circle of Hell for me.
Chelsea Handler
Is it just me, or are there WAY too many Conservative men overly concerned with the state of Chelsea Handler’s womb? The fact that she’s decided not to have children and is VERY, VERY OK with her decision has turned the world of Tucker Carlson and a few other nattering nabobs of negativity upside down. The reason for their concern defies rational understanding.
If you’re convinced that the primary role of women is that of baby incubator, well, Chelsea Handler’s here to throw a spanner in the gears of your carefully curated worldview. ‘Cuz here’s a newsflash that some of y’all might find hard to process- not all women want to be mothers. Yeah, I know; some girls just wanna have fun. And what’s so wrong with knowing yourself well enough to recognize that you don’t want to follow the conventional socially-dictated path?
Wow, these guys are the original WMDs (White Misogynistic Dumbfucks).
If you've noticed Chelsea Handler trending the past couple days, it is because she is a woman with an opinion and she must be stopped. At least we think that's the gist of what America's white conservative man influencers are saying.
Handler guest-hosted "The Daily Show" last week, and she did a segment called "Long Story Short" about being child-free by choice. It was fun and it was funny, and she explained at the beginning that she was doing it in response to the weird pity that child-free people, especially women, are so often greeted with. She talked about how amazing it is to not have children, if not having children is what you want out of life.
To accompany that segment, Handler also made a silly video called "A Day In The Life Of A Childless Woman," which starts with her eating an edible, masturbating, and going back to bed until 12:30 p.m., and proceeds through a busy day of "whatever the fuck I want." (Both videos are at the bottom of this post.)
It's a comedy bit, and it was obviously tied in with Handler's week of guest-hosting "The Daily Show." However, according to America's white racist sexist dumbfuck dudes, it was Handler's lonely Valentine's Day cry for help, a wailing lamentation that she has not been impregnated by any of America's white racist sexist dumbfuck dudes.
They are losin' it, y'all.
Even Matt Walsh posting Handler on The Daily Show was supposed to be ironic and reflect poorly on her. It didn’t. Why? Because Walsh is also a WMD, though he’s too dense and lacking in self-awareness to recognize it.
If you watch the Fox News segment (and why would you?), you’ll see a chyron saying, “Unfunny comedian celebrates childless existence.” Except that Chelsea Handler was objectively pretty damned funny, primarily as she discusses how miserable her childless existence is.
For whatever reason, Tucker Carlson’s voice approaches a soprano range as he’s discussing Handler’s childlessness, so you know he was pretty wound up about it. Why he was so uptight about a decision that has no material impact on the quality of his life is anyone’s guess, but that’s the Conservative Outrage Industrial Complex, of which Carlson is a leading light.
TUCKER: The point is to make you feel good about being an aging, deeply unlikable woman who never had kids. "It's cool to be childless! Go barren!" But actually, the video if you watch it produces exactly the opposite effect. It's super-depressing!
Carlson wants you to believe him- Handler’s life is super-depressing. As for “aging,” Handler’s all of 47, younger than Carlson (54). And Carlson should be careful about diving too deeply into “deeply unlikable.” Tucker gives a whole new meaning to the term “flaming asshole.”
If you watch Handler’s performance on The Daily Show, she seems pretty upbeat about her life. But Carlson badly needs his audience to believe that Chelsea Handler is a miserable, dried-up spinster. So he brought on Right-wing all-purpose radio idiot Jesse Kelly for confirmation. And the conversation went straight off the cliff almost immediately.
Just try to watch Carlson’s exchange with Kelly without at least one “WTF??” escaping your lips. I defy you.
This poor woman watches Tucker Carlson AS HER JOB. Oh, my God, she must be close to insane by now. NO ONE could listen to Carlson day in and day out without doing serious damage to their central nervous system.
Of course, Carlson and Kelly aren’t the only human flotsam convinced it’s their role to pass judgment on the life choices of women.
Look how seething angry frumpy little neckbeard Matt Walsh is:
One could reasonably ask how and why Handler’s life decisions are any of Walsh’s concerns. The simple truth, of course, is that they aren’t, and his opinion concerning those decisions is worth about as much as his creepy neckbeard.
Of course, when you view women as property and their reproductive functions as belonging to everyone BUT women, you can have half-assed opinions like those of Carlson, Kelly, and Walsh. Their problem is that they’ve convinced themselves that their opinions DO matter. In fact, they’ve convinced themselves that their opinions are something close to the Prime Directive.
But while they think that having a platform with which to spew their bile means that said bile means something significant, their pathetic self-importance is pretty meaningless. They live in a world in which possessing a penis connotes superior physical, mental, and moral status, but they don’t have a functional morality between them.
And Ben Shapiro isn’t much better.
Shapiro’s convinced that everyone who’s single is ipso facto miserable because…well, because that’s the way he sees it and, therefore that’s how the world works.
What we get is a spate of very, very unhappy people talking about how happy they are.
Hmm…how does Shapiro know these single people are so “very, very unhappy?” Because he’s Ben Shapiro, he has a radio show and The Power To Know The Otherwise Unknowable.
Yeah, and because he’s also a White Misogynistic Dumbfuck.
[Walsh is] still going this morning, because not only is Chelsea Handler child-free by choice, she is ABORTION HARLOT BABY KILLER! And Matt Walsh cannot accept that Handler is fine with her decisions, so he says she is "desperately justif[ying] her childlessness." Bless his heart….
You can imagine that Ben Shapiro, Walsh's boss at the Daily Wire, is apoplectic about this. For 10 minutes…he angrily ranted about Handler's video, dishonestly framing it as a Valentine's Day cry for help and not a "Daily Show" segment. He of course had to flip his hair around a bit about how unfunny Handler is, because that's important. Then he explained that Handler is "miserable, and it's written all over her face how miserable she is," because she doesn't have children.
The research on that does not support Ben Shapiro's view, of course. His conservative religious beliefs support it, and as with all these men, we're supposed to pretend his conservative religious beliefs lead to a superior life, even if we don't personally choose that path.
Ben Shapiro knows that things should be a certain way because he believes that’s THE WAY THE WORLD SHOULD BE. Not because science supports his beliefs but because his Conservative religious beliefs dictate THE WAY THE WORLD SHOULD BE. And according to those beliefs, there’s no way a single woman like Chelsea Handler could possibly be happy. So, according to Shapiro’s finely tuned belief system, she has to be a miserable, dried-up spinster PRETENDING to be happy.
Because her behavior runs counter to THE WAY THE WORLD SHOULD BE.
Did you see the part during the last two minutes where Ben Shapiro took it upon himself to compare his wife's fulfillment to Chelsea Handler's fulfillment? He didn't invite his wife on to speak for herself, of course. He described a typical day in his wife's life, which to us sounds pretty shitty, especially the part where you wake up and go to sleep next to Ben Shapiro and are pregnant with his baby. She gets the kids ready for school, she's a doctor, they help their kids with the homework, they make dinner, blah blah blah. If that's the life for you, cool.
But he is so insistent that his wife MUST be happier and more fulfilled than Chelsea Handler. "My wife has a much more fulfilled life than Chelsea Handler! She does! You know why? Because she's embedded herself in time and space! She's bound herself to others! She's bound herself to rules!" Weirdo Ben Shapiro talking about how his wife has "bound herself."
All I can say is that I have tremendous sympathy for any woman willing to say “I do” to Ben Shapiro. Especially when you consider that means having to wake up next to Shapiro every morning and- even worse- carrying his baby. That seems like something straight out of The Handmaid’s Tale.
And the fact that Shapiro is so insistent that his wife is happier than Chelsea Handler is beyond creepy. It’s as if he desperately needs that to be true, and he’s trying to convince himself of it. Why must Handler “bind herself to others” to achieve happiness in Ben Shapiro’s eyes? Why does that have to be the only acceptable/possible definition of happiness that Shapiro recognizes?
Why must a woman have a man and a family in her life to be happy? In THE WAY THE WORLD SHOULD BE, is there only one path for women to achieve true happiness? And does it run through a man’s penis?
Youbetcha.
The fact that Shapiro is so wrapped up in convincing himself that his wife is happier and more fulfilled than Chelsea Handler is rather pathetic. It’s as if he desperately needs that to be true, so he’s created a world in which there’s only one valid definition of happiness, which Handler falls outside. Because THE WAY THE WORLD SHOULD BE is not the way Chelsea Handler is living; therefore, she must be freakin’ miserable.
Despite Shapiro’s certainty, it certainly sounds as if Chelsea Handler has found her own happiness, which has nothing to do with Ben Shapiro’s version. He’s so concerned with trying to convince himself and us that his wife is happy and fulfilled that he’d deny the reality that his definition of “happiness” isn’t the only one out there.
As for Carlson, Kelly, and Walsh, they, along with Shapiro, are all WMDs. They’re all far too concerned with how women define their own lives. They seem incapable of understanding and accepting that a woman can define and attain happiness out THE WAY THE WORLD SHOULD BE. They also can’t understand how happiness could be obtained independently of popping out children.
Here’s a truth our WMDs seem incapable of processing- life isn’t about bringing new lives into the world. Life is about living it. Of course, for some people, that means raising a family, and there’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what they feel moved to do. After all, it’s how society perpetuates itself, no?
But there are those- like myself, f’rinstance- who’ve never desired to procreate. I’ve never accepted the validity of THE WAY THE WORLD SHOULD BE. My desire to remain childless is complicated and multifaceted, and I won’t go into it here. My reasons are my own, and I owe no one an explanation. Having children doesn’t require an explanation, regardless of your gender. If a woman chooses not to have children, that’s her prerogative. No one has the right to question or pass judgment on her decision. You can agree with it or not; that’s your prerogative and one you are free to keep to yourself.
This is THE WAY MY WORLD IS.
I don’t regret my decision, though I wonder from time to time what kind of father I would’ve been. That said, the world is no poorer for lacking my progeny. And the same goes for Chelsea Handler. She made the decision she felt was right for her- end of story.
As for the WMDs…well, I’d say they can kiss my ass- if I were to grant them that much consideration, which I’m not about to. And I suspect they can kiss Handler’s- if she gives them even a moment’s thought.
I think Chelsea Handler will be just fine without the approval of the WMDs.
There are a few things I despise more than people presuming to legislate another's thoughts and feelings to them. (When people presume to do so to me, they're are inviting the Kraken.) I've never tried to make an exact list, but I'm pretty sure I'd only need the one hand to count them. (I'd certainly never have to go so far as remove my shoes.) So animals like Walsh, Shapiro, &/or Phucker Tiresome taking it upon themselves as their unique privilege to do so puts really ugly thoughts in MY mind.
How someone can go so far as to watch these suppurating cankers as a matter of professional responsibility simply buggers the imagination.