One Million Moms- Saving the world from insinuated profanity and insinuated boobs

If you lived in Tupelo, MS, you'd probably be a self-righteous sourpuss, too

Imagine living in a world where the mere “insinuation” of profanity or obscenity or how you might define something offensive to your tender moral sensibilities is enough to palpitate your heart. Mind you, not ACTUAL profanity or obscenity, mind you; merely the “insinuation” of it…and who knows what in the Hell that might mean?

Welcome to the world of Monica Cole, the President and, for all we know, the entire membership of “One Million Moms.” Cole/One Million Moms is a random outrage generator that produces righteous fury over the silliest of imagined faux pas.

Cole’s latest source of elevated blood pressure comes via Hillshire Farms, the company behind the “Hill yeah!” marketing slogan. Yes, Monica Cole has her panties in a wad over ham or some such silliness….

I wish I were kidding.

Oh, the humanity….

When we saw that the One Million Moms (this one shut-in weirdo creeper mom named Monica Cole from Tupelo, Mississippi) were mad at Hillshire Farms, we were so excited. Surely this meant Hillshire Farms had come out with some hilarious commercial full of lunchmeat double entendres about rolling up salami and putting it in your mouth, right? Some ad campaign about who can fit the most sausages in their mouth? Something about how their meat will bring all the boys to the yard? Something about once you taste their meat you’ll never stop tasting it? Or smoking it? Something?

We searched Hillshire Farms products while doing research for this post — it’s called jour-na-lism — and we found HARDWOOD SMOKED SAUSAGE and SAUSAGE ROPE and KIELBASA and LIL’ SMOKIES and just about every other Urban Dictionary thesaurus entry for dicks, Hillshire Farms sells all of it.

We want to read the One Millions Moms’ histrionics about sausage ropes.

Sausage party? Thick, juicy meat? Who’s smoking my sausage? I mean, the jokes almost write themselves, yeah??

Your first mistake would be presuming that Monica Cole possesses a sense of humor. Silly wabbit….

But instead, and in yet another example of what a boring, lifeless prude Monica Cole is, she’s mad Hillshire Farms has a commercial that says “Hill yeah.” Yes, that’s it. This antisocial loser sent an entire email out because a lunchmeat company made a pun on “Hell yeah.”

We know these people believe a lot of things about the afterlife, but if God says, “And you, Monica? What did you do during your brief time on Earth?” does she really think “I got mad at ham because ham was being very slightly naughty” will get her into Heaven? Does she actually think this will get her a “Well done, my good and faithful servant”?

No, she does not get a “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” Do not pass “GO,” do not collect $200. Go directly to One Million Moms’ version of Hell, which is probably a sewing circle where they sing “Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life” on an endless loop.

They insinuated profanity. Didn’t actually use it, just insinuated that it exists.

God fucking hates this woman’s emails, guaranteed.

Guaran-DAMN-teed….

Of all the things Cole could fairly and reasonably have chosen to be righteously incensed about- pornography, child sexual abuse, Netflix commercials, sex trafficking, men with tiny penises, Packer fans- she chose something that barely even registers.

Insinuated profanity? Hill yeah? THAT’S the hill she’s chosen to die on (pun entirely intentional)?

It sounds like someone seriously needs to get out more. But when you live in Tupelo, that might be easier said than done, yeah?

Cole writes:

Hillshire Farm’s smoked sausage and lunchmeat commercials include a double entendre that is inappropriate and unnecessary. Foul language (or the implication of it) is not needed in this or any commercial, but that is obviously what Hillshire Farm intended with their play on words.

A double entendre! The implication of foul language! And she knows they meant it, too, she caught ‘em with their meat in their hands.

[T]he commercial ends right after the insinuated but obvious profane ending, “Oh, Hill Yeah.”

Hillshire Farm chose to include phrases that sound just like curse words and to end the ad with viewers understanding exactly what was implied.

Didn’t even try to fool the viewers. Now they know Hillshire Farms knows about hot hard cylindrical meats AND light swears.

Hillshire Farm has deliberately decided to produce controversial advertisements instead of wholesome ones.

“One purse-lipped church lady in Tupelo bellyaching” does not a “controversial” ad make, but OK.

Could it be…SATAN??? Meh, quite possibly….

Considering that poor Ms. Cole has been at her One Million Moms grift for 15 years now, her kids must be teenagers, and if they're, like most teenagers, they probably swear like fucking longshoremen. And where would they have learned that? Certainly not from Hillshire Farms.

Sorry, but “Hill yeah” may be a clever marketing slogan, but it won’t summon the malevolent powers of the Four Corners of Hell upon you. Hillshire Farms will hardly accept responsibility for the moral decline and fall of Western Civilization, despite what Monica Cole may believe.

I have no idea how Ms. Cole spends her days, but she might want to spend some time at her kids’ school. She might be shocked at how kids speak to one another these days. Profanity is practically the coin of the realm, and you know what? The empire hasn’t crumbled. Our collective morality appears to be relatively intact. And I’ve not noticed God smiting people randomly for entertainment- though that could be entertaining.

Perhaps it might be a more productive use of her time if Ms. Cole were concerned with how people treat one another rather than pointless semantic tricks like “Hill yeah.”

I never cease to marvel at the things the Far-Right and the American Taliban will lose their shit over. It seems as if it’s consistently things that don’t matter a damn in the real world. Instead of trying to improve the world, they righteously vent their spleen over pointless, meaningless gestures that impact no one.

Then again, when performative outrage and bullshit are all you have to offer, I suppose that’s what you have to dress up and make as pretty as you possibly can. No matter how much lipstick you apply to a pig, though, in the end, you’ll have a swine wearing lipstick that’s probably not even its color.

“Hill yeah!!”

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