Pat Robertson's Dead, And The Party's At My Place

The man was a Christian in the same way Adolf Hitler was a pacifist

Pat Robertson, the conservative evangelist and media mogul who galvanized the modern Christian right, cultivated a massive national following and regularly drew criticism for his incendiary political statements, died Thursday, according to his official broadcasting network.

• NBC News

Like many of us, I was always taught not to speak ill of the dead, but in the case of Pat Robertson, it’s tempting to make an exception. Allegedly a man of God, Robertson did more to damage what could’ve been a perfect religion than many of his peers. A man of ego, arrogance, and a surpassing belief in his self-superiority, Pat Robertson did not inspire neutrality. People generally loved him or despised him with every fiber of their being.

It should be no mystery which camp I fall into. The same holds for Rob Boston at American United for Separation of Church and State:

He repeatedly attacked non-Christian faiths, once calling Hinduism a “cult” that is “in touch with Satan and demon spirits.” In 1991, he penned The New World Order, a book anchored in antisemitic conspiracy theories. He once signed a fundraising letter asserting that feminism teaches women to “leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.” In 1991, he asserted that you don’t have to be nice to Episcopalians, Presbyterians, Methodists and others because they reflect “the spirit of the Antichrist.” In 1990, he asserted that being gay is “a pathology. It is a sickness, and it needs to be treated” and went on to assert, “Many of those people involved with Adolf Hitler were satanists, many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together.”

During the time I was forced to attend Sunday School as a child, there were a few things about Christianity that I managed to internalize, and they were lessons that, even though I’m an atheist, have stuck with me. Chief among them was Christianity's tenet about love, tolerance, acceptance, and inclusion.

My parents taught me that people are people and that neither skin color, religious faith, wealth, nor any other quality made a person better or worse than another. All of that seemed to dovetail nicely, so I dabbled quite seriously in Christianity during my junior high school years.

It wasn’t until I began to understand that some Christians viewed themselves as a sort of Übermenschen that I began to recognize that America’s majority faith was a Potemkin village. Not that there aren’t Christians who aren’t seriously devoted to living their faith and the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know a few, and I was married to one for several years. For those folks, I have nothing but admiration. They’re living their beliefs- talking the talk and, more importantly, walking the walk.

I began to see more and more of what I’ve come to know as the American Taliban, the (loud) minority of Christians who believe it’s their right and role to force their narrow, fear- and ignorance-based belief system upon all Americans. Their connection with the Gospel of Jesus Christ is tenuous at best and, for some, utterly non-existent.

Pat Robertson was one of the Chief Mullahs of the American Taliban. He believed that one could not be a good, moral human being without a belief in God. Without assuming that a potentially angry, judgmental invisible deity was looking over your shoulder and monitoring your every thought, word, and deed 24/7/365, you were destined for the express lane to Hell.

For instance, both Robertson and the late Rev. Jerry Falwell blamed 9/11 on organizations like the ACLU and People For The American Way…as if Liberals paved the road to the portal to Hell.

Well, if we did, at least the road was paved.

Of course, in light of the news of his passing descent to Hell, many of his colleagues in the American Taliban have been shoveling praise upon him as if he’d been canonized.

Yes, the “holier-than-thou” community certainly sticks together.

Sure, outside of being a racist, homophobe, transphobe, bigot, and hater of Liberals and atheists, he was a great man of God.

But he was recognized as a “great man of God” by those who held virtually identical views, so not exactly surprising, eh?

On the contrary, I’m convinced the good Reverend’s in his own personal Hell, which in his case is almost certainly a gay bar, where he’s the top-rated main attraction. Robertson will almost certainly spend eternity wearing assless chaps and walking bowlegged.

Be careful about how and where you bend over, Reverend!!

This was my favorite because Tony Perkins doesn’t allow the unsaved and unwashed masses to view his tweets. No, his lofty words are intended for those destined for the Kingdom of Heaven. And while I may be going to Hell, I’ll have the best stories to tell (apologies to Frank Turner).

It would seem I’m not the only one metaphorically pissing on Rev. Robertson’s grave. The man was a Christian in the same way I’m Deputy Dawg.

I was glad I read this one without a full swallow of tea in my mouth because I would’ve been cleaning off my laptop’s screen and keyboard. Robertson devoted his life to making money off the poor suckers and shut-ins who watched the “700 Club” and believed everything he had to say.

The poor fools with a high-school edumication and the inability to discern when Robertson was drifting (which was all the time) meant they were separating from large sums of their money. It’s how CBN stayed in business and how the Crypt Keeper Pat Robertson could afford blood transfusions from young children that kept him alive.

At least, I think that’s what it was….

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee’s screed was perhaps the most embarrassing and revealing. There’s virtually no mention of Robertson’s alleged Christian faith or commitment to it. It does, however, devote most of its focus to Robertson’s emphasis on politics and television.

Granted, one could argue that my antipathy for Pat Robertson is primarily due to my differences in opinions and ideology with him…but there’s more to it than that. Robertson exploited his faith, profiteering off those who looked to him for inspiration and guidance.

He was judgmental, intolerant, racist, homophobic, transphobic- generally not a loving steward of God’s creatures. Those who weren’t White Conservative Christian heterosexuals didn’t rate very highly, and he viewed himself as a member of a superior race. Robertson viewed White Conservative Christian heterosexuals like himself as akin to Übermenschen, blessed by God and thus somehow superior to other mortals.

Of course, Robertson seldom lived up to this lofty ideal, such as when he claimed that gay men wear “special rings” that they use to spread HIV/AIDS.

The ignorance, arrogance, and willingness to demonize an entire class of people out of sheer hatred and bigotry are precisely NOT what Jesus would do.

“Violence in the streets, ladies and gentlemen….”

In 2017, Robertson blamed the mass shooting at a Las Vegas music festival that killed 59 people and injured another 527 on…wait for it… disrespect for The Former Guy, the National Anthem, and God.

Yes, the madman holed up in a hotel room with a sizable arsenal and a clear line of sight to hundreds of people from an upper floor of the Mandalay Bay Hotel had NOTHING to do with anything….

In 2014, Robertson urged a viewer not to go on a mission to Kenya because “you can get AIDS from a towel.”

No, you can’t…and the stupidity behind that statement requires no further comment.

Then, in 2015, Robertson went on a rant telling views that gay people would force good, God-fearing White Conservative Christian heterosexuals to like anal sex and bestiality.

“Yeah, it’s all the rage in gay clubs today.” Or something like that.

Among some of Pat Robertson’s other “Greatest Hits”…or “toxic legacy,” depending on your preference:

• Telling “700 Club viewers that “those who are homosexual will die out because they don’t reproduce.” We could hope the same for American Taliban “Christians,” no?

• Declaring that “homosexuality is related to demonic possession.” Sure, and so is being a Packers fan, but at least being gay doesn’t come with the possibility of having to live in Green Bay.

• Wishing that Facebook had a “vomit” button for reacting to photos of same-sex couples. Pure class, wasn’t he??

• Advising Christians that the best thing they could do regarding Muslim terrorists and LGBTQ activists was to “sit on the sidelines and let them kill themselves.” Sure, why not sell popcorn and drinks and make a little money while you’re at it?

• Recommending consoling mothers who’d lost babies by telling them, “That little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler, he could grow up to be Joseph Stalin, he could grow up to be some serial killer, or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease.” Robertson had the bedside manner of Josef Mengele and the calming touch of Robespierre.

• Telling a man whose wife had insulted him that he “could become a Muslim and you could beat her.” And he should be able to buy his next wife for no more than 40 camels, eh?

• Urging a man whose wife had Alzheimer’s Disease to divorce her and move on. Sure, she’s damaged goods. Why not toss her aside for a younger model- one with a memory?

• Recommending that Christians not adopt children from other countries because they may have been subjected to things that could cause them to grow up “weird.” Like being an American Taliban “Christian” isn’t weird enough?

• Insisting that a wave of deadly tornadoes might’ve been prevented if only people had prayed more. Yeah, that ALWAYS works, like thoughts and prayers after mass shootings. Oh, wait…never mind.

While some will mourn Pat Robertson’s passing and even remember him as a “great man of God” or some such silliness, there’s nothing in Robertson’s existence to warrant such positive recollection. Robertson was an ignorant, venal, hateful man who used his platform to spread disinformation, racism, bigotry, and hatred of those who are “different.”

As an atheist, I don’t believe in Heaven or Hell. Still, I hope that if a version of Hell awaits Pat Robertson, it will be one overflowing with insatiable gay men. And I fervently hope all of them possess a strong predisposition for old, frail men in assless chaps and an endless supply of Astroglide.

May Robertson be painfully sore and bowlegged for eternity.

Robertson may have called himself a Christian, and others in the American Taliban may view him as a “great man of God.” But true Christianity has nothing to do with racism, misogyny, homophobia, Islamophobia, and other flavors of phobias and exclusionary thinking. Yet that’s the “Christianity” that Pat Robertson sold as the real thing for decades. It was a fraudulent and hateful version of a bastardized religion that made him exceedingly wealthy.

And those with a stake in continuing the grift will continue to hold Robertson up as a “great man of God.” May they all roast slowly and painfully in their versions of Hell.