Rain Is Actually God Peeing On Oklahoma
Or was it crying? I can never remember.
And so, verily, Jesus said unto the assembled multitudes, “My Father, who art in Heaven, shall cause the Earth to go dry for forty days and nights. During that time He will imbibe all the Diet Coke and Red Bull He can lay His hands on. On the morning of the forty-first day, with His bladder fit to burst, He shall let loose upon Oklahoma, and the Sooner State will experience an abundance of rain as has never been seen before. Y’all would be wise to stay indoors. So let it be written, so let it be done.
1 Jack 15: 23-27
If any of you all have ever been in Texas or Oklahoma during a severe storm, the rain can feel Biblical. I’ve been in tropical storms that dropped 15” of rain, which was made even worse by the heavy clay soil in southeast Texas, which can’t absorb water. So all that water has to go somewhere, and it was usually into people's cars and houses.
Parking lots looked like oversized swimming pools, and low spots on freeways swallowed cars (and sometimes their drivers). In Seabrook, where I lived, there were four main routes into the Houston area. A tropical storm would flood all four very often, and Seabrook would become an island inaccessible from the mainland. When that happened, there was no way for me to get to work, which was OK because no one else was going anywhere.
If somebody asked you what makes it rain — actual rain, not "making it rain" like in the hip-hop videos — what would you say? Would you say some kind of liberal woke claptrap about "clouds" and "water cycle"? Get out of here with your Critical Rain Theory, Satan!
Oklahoma Republican Senator James Lankford knows why it rained in Oklahoma this summer, and it is because Oklahoma banned abortion in May, and that made God cry so many happy tears that they all fell onto Oklahoma, which came in handy, because Oklahoma was having a drought.
Lankford explained this to hate group leader Tony Perkins from the Family Research Council at something called the "Pray Vote Stand Summit."
I might have mentioned a time or six previously that Sen. James Lankford (R-OK) is a hyper-religious, uber-Jesus-y zealot who lacks anything resembling intellectual agility. And if I haven’t, well, here’s your sign.
The beautiful thing about people like Lankford is that they lack the self-awareness to recognize that they are, in fact, profoundly dense. As a result, Lankford is a walking, talking, living, breathing poster child for the Dunning-Kruger Effect.
PERKINS: I believe that as these states embrace Biblical truth as it pertains to life, that I believe God’s gonna bless those nations — or those, those states — as those states come in alignment with God, I believe it’s going to be a testimony to the rest of the nation. Again, another sign of God’s mercy that He will pour out His blessing on those that choose to walk in His way.
Nothing bad will happen to fascist states, everything good will happen to them. This is a man talking in the year 2022, but please, let's let these primitive patriarchal grunters with their prehensile tails — allegedly! probably! — set our public policy.
LANKFORD: I agree. I agree. And … that’s not some radical principle, just for people to be faithful and for God to bless them.
It's dumb.
LANKFORD: I mean, it’s just the most basic principle of all. As funny as it sounds, we’ve experienced a big drought in Oklahoma. The week after — the week after — we passed this law to be able to protect the lives of children, we had the most overwhelming rainstorm that came across the state, and it was such an interesting conversation among people in the church, like, “Did that just happen? Did that just occur?”
Like, OMIGAWD!!! We passed a law banning abortion, and the next thing you know, God is peeing on Oklahoma, as was prophesized in 1 Jack 15: 23-27!! It’s truly a miracle!
God is amazing!!
Right on! All y’all had to do was to pass a law defining women as property and their role as baby factories, and God was as happy as Pee Wee Herman in a porn theater!
Good God, y’all; some of these folks- and I’m including a sitting US Senator in this assessment- don’t have two functioning brain cells to rub together.
Bunch of dumbasses at that church, that's what happened. "Did that just happen? Did that just occur?" Buncha idiots asking each other if God sent rain because Oklahoma decided pregnant people and their doctors are too stupid and evil to make these decisions, gotta get some white Republican men in there in the exam room who think they speak for God.
Oklahoma's abortion ban is vile. It bans all abortions from fertilization, except for "life of the mother" — a pretty meaningless phrase, it turns out — or in cases of rape or incest, but only if said rape and incest has been reported to the cops. It's also a bounty hunter ban, like they have in Texas.
Bounty hunter? Do you mean people could get rich by reporting on those they believe are aiding and abetting those seeking to obtain abortion services?
Don’tcha LOVE Right-wing America? Republican Jesus certainly does!!
But as Hemant Mehta notes at his new OnlySky website, what Lankford is saying here is particularly stupid and wrongheaded, because some of those blessed rains God spurted at Oklahoma in honor of the unborn babies ended up being devastating floods. (Silly God, always overdoing it with the rain!)
God’s money shot?? (Man, it’s a good thing I’m an atheist and don’t believe in Hell, eh?)
Also it was two weeks later. (Silly God, set up some Alexa reminders!)
Click here and see how James Lankford's God gets so giggly about abortion bans that He in His obvious holiness starts making commands like "ALL THE PICKUP TRUCKS SHOULD GO SWIMMING!" and click here for "FUCK YOUR CROPS! FUCK ALL YOUR CROPS!" Tornado warnings in the area? That's probably just God doing the Charleston with some fetuses!
Lost on Lankford, Perkins, and the other American Taliban fun weasels was that Oklahoma’s rain was a meteorological, not a theological event. Moreover, it was wholly unrelated to Oklahoma’s abortion law…or any other legislation. So while Lankford and Perkins are thumping their chests and screaming “LOOKITME!! LOOKITME!!,” meteorology had its way with the Sooner State.
It was just as likely that God was peeing on Oklahoma as crying happy tears over the abortion law. But, since his Son preached precisely nothing about abortion, I’ll go with God peeing on Oklahoma.
It makes as much sense as anything else- especially since I don’t believe in God.
"Pee Wee Herman in a porn theater!" -- as Captain America said, "I understood that reference."
Thinking of those floods reminded me of one of my dad's favorite phrases: "Raining like a cow peeing on a flat rock."
People like the above are why I'm banned for life from Twitter, without ever uttering a single untrue or threatening word.