Real Women Of Politics- Even More Cringey Than It Sounds

If you sing "Real Women of Politics" over and over, it still doesn't ring true

Don't get like these assholes and fall in love with the fighting. Then you're just setting off bombs because you like the noise they make.

• Hugh Howey

There have been some ridiculous moments in self-promotion in the anals- er, annals- of politics. After all, introverts and those who eschew self-promotion tend not to do well in politics, where it’s all about drawing attention to yourself and your accomplishments.

Me, me, me!!! Most politicians spend hours scheming ways to throw themselves in front of TV cameras and microphones. And few have met a camera they wouldn’t make love to.

Arkansas Gov. and wannabe Shania Twain backup singer Sarah Huckabee Sanders has decided to capitalize on the culture war skirmishes over Bud Light’s marketing campaign with transgender activist Dylan Mulvaney.

Her tagline? “Real women don’t have to fake it.” And I can only assume (or hope) she’s not referring to orgasms because that makes me want to poke a screwdriver into my ears.

As a marketing idea, it’s both genius AND a serious asshole move. It’s genius because she hopped on the anti-transgender bandwagon in a quasi-humorous way…even though it’s not a matter that calls for humor.

It’s an asshole move because it’s not a matter that calls for humor. Instead, she’s belittling a segment of the population currently under attack for trying to be who they are- nothing more. Evidently, to the Governor, that’s sufficient reason to yuk it up.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the real-ass governor of Arkansas, because they have very poor judgment (and education) in that state, has a message for all y'all:

We like our beer cold, not woke.

First of all, did not realize "cold" and "woke" were opposites, but sure, fine, who gives a damn.

So, this is not a joke. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is marketing koozies that say "real woman," and you can get them with her face on them. Or Kay Ivey's face. Or Kristi Noem or Kim Reynolds. Because the theme here is "real women of politics," and it is women governors who are also filthy garbage anti-LGBTQ+ bigots.

We guess this was necessary, as allegedly straight real American white conservative bros in flyover country are probably scared to drink all beer in public now — any beer — lest people mistake them for Dylan Mulvaney.

BUT NOT NO MORE!

Sarah Huckabee Sanders has fixed it rat quick fer ya, shit yeah boy howdy, ain't nobody never gon' think yer no kinda transgender so-called "Bud Light"-drinkin' wokester, not when you got this Sarah Huckabee Sanders koozie!

Yes, lest anyone make the mistake of giving GOP women the benefit of the doubt, many are “filthy garbage anti-LGBTQ+ bigots.” After all, hatred and bigotry are hardly gender-dependent.

So while Conservative men were getting hard-ons over Bud Light gettin’ all cozy with a trans woman (or, as they’d refer to her, a “biological male”), female GOP governors were also getting their hate on. But, on the other hand, they were at least being thoughtful about it and trying to figure out how they might get some mileage out of it.

Yes, for the ridiculously overcooked amount of $15.00 (there IS a sucker born every minute), you can get a “Real Women Sarah Sanders Beverage Cooler (Set of 2).”

And, if you’re really looking to part with your hard-earned cash, you can try the “Cancel Cancel Culture” page. Sadly, it seems like it’s been canceled.

Of course, if you want to expand your Hatred and Bigotry Hall of Shame koozie collection, you can get the Four Horsewomen of the Bigoted Apocalypse set.

I’m not going to, but you certainly could:

One thing I would recommend, if you have a strong tolerance for lousy performance art, is the video on Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ tweet. Be forewarned, however; it’s one of the most awful attempts at a serious political ad I can recall seeing. When I first started watching it, I thought it was a satirical take from Saturday Night Live or The Daily Show. But, sadly, it’s real, and it’s HOKEY.

If you can get past the woman putting dead fish into a box and the disembodied voice singing “Real Women of Politics” incessantly at odd moments…well, you’re a better person than I am. I lasted 43 seconds before I bailed…and it’s only 66 seconds long. I couldn’t take it.

If you have not watched the video yet, we don't want to ruin it for you. Absolutely absolutely watch it all the way to the end. After all the weird footage of women putting dead fish in boxes and the hilarious background song about real women, there's a punchline that makes it all worth it.

Granted, the creators may not have realized it was a punchline.

With all the chaos going on with Twitter right now, Sarah Huckabee Sanders would have been well within her rights to claim she had been hacked, or was being impersonated. We might not have blamed her! "Saturday Night Live" likely wishes it had made this video first.

But they are dead fuckin' serious. Go to Sarah Huckabee Sanders's campaign shop and you can buy your very own Sarah Huckabee Sanders koozie. Sanders even CC-ed the other governors on Twitter, just to make sure they knew their badass koozies were available for purchase.

So go on! Get your Kristi Noem koozie! Or your Kim Reynolds! Midwestern conservative white guys are just as scared of being mistaken for beer-loving Dylan Mulvaneys as the southern ones!

And of course, again, there's the Kay Ivey koozie, for all you Crimson Tide fans who want a Kay Ivey koozie instead of an Alabama koozie for some weird fuckin' reason. No kink-shaming!

Yeah, OK; I probably should’ve watched the whole thing ‘til the end, but a man can only take so much stupid, knowhutimean?

And it’s not that Conservatives are getting better at humor because this episode is unintentional self-parody. It’s execrable initially, and it goes straight downhill. “Real Women of Politics?” Seriously? Give me a break. These Republican women are about as real as a hydraulic push-up bra.

Not only that, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a professional liar. She went from lying for The Former Guy to lying for Fox News to lying for and to the people of the Great State of Arkansas. Huckabee Sanders is nothing if not consistent.

Republicans- whether male or female- know nothing of how to be genuine because nothing about them or their beliefs is honest. Everything is about power- getting, consolidating, and maintaining it. So yeah, they’re about as genuine as Charles Barkley in Spanx.

Of course, you can do that when you have no core beliefs or commitment to public service and a serious obligation only to your own self-aggrandizement.