Republicans Are What Happen When You Give Liquor And Car Keys To Teenage Boys

What could POSSIBLY go wrong, eh?

When you discover that your baby can’t talk…except to say “F**k you!!” in seven languages

(This editorial is from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, which isn’t known as a bastion of wild-eyed, wooly-headed Libruls. That said, their editorial board makes an excellent argument for child-proofing Congress.

Apologies to the late gonzo journalist P.J. O’Rourke for the headline.)

If you’d been hoping that, come January, the adults would take control of Capitol Hill, your fellow Americans put the kibosh on that when they gave Republicans a slight majority in the House of Representatives. With Democrats maintaining control of the Senate, we can be virtually certain nothing of substance will be accomplished because, in the House, it will be Hunter Biden 24/7/365. The House Republican Caucus will have nothing of substance to offer Americans, so come January 20th, DC will welcome the circus to Capitol Hill.

And when Republicans tire of beating the dead, unproductive horse that is Hunter Biden and his laptop of love, they’ll pivot to investigating the January 6th committee. And then there will be other pointless investigations that will keep them playing with themselves for the next two years. Call it legislative masturbation or what you will, but what Republicans won’t be doing is working to pass legislation to help working Americans. Or any Americans, save for oligarchs.

Just as it’s a good idea to child-proof a home before having toddlers over for a birthday party, congressional Democrats should be doing what they can during the current lame-duck session to prepare for the incoming Republican House majority — a crowd that has literally announced its intention to threaten America’s fiscal stability, block election reforms and abandon Ukraine. The current Democratic majority, working with whatever responsible Republicans they can get on board, can extremist-proof Congress in some important ways between now and January.

Anyone who might be offended by the comparison between unruly toddlers and a GOP House majority should consider the words of Rep. Jason Smith, R-Missouri, who is in line for a major budget post under the incoming GOP House majority: “The American people expect Congress to use every tool at its disposal” to press the Biden administration on issues like taxes, energy policy and the border, Smith said recently, “and the debt ceiling absolutely is one of those tools.”

Don’tcha LOVE how Republicans seem to know what the American people know and expect? And isn’t it interesting that what they believe the people know and expect always appears to dovetail with their agenda?

That’s freakin’ AMAZING. Wow, either people like Rep. Smith are psychic…or they’re just that blatantly partisan and shamelessly willing to play games. In other words, pretty typically Republican stuff, yeah?

Youdamnbetcha.

So while these cretins are going to be in the majority (hide the good china and put out the paper plates, ‘kay?) in the House, it doesn’t have to be the 24/7/365 clusterfuck that we might think/fear/suspect it will be.

But it probably will be because we’re all old enough to remember what happened the last time Republicans had the levers of power in their hands, right? Yeah, they thoroughly boogered things up because if there’s one thing Republicans have repeatedly proven (despite their repeated claims to the contrary), they can’t govern. Period. End of story. Check your history books if you don’t believe me.

Go ahead. I’ll wait. It shouldn’t take you long.

Holding America’s full faith and credit hostage to an array of partisan issues — as Republicans did a decade ago, kneecapping the government’s credit rating for the first time ever — is something Smith and his cohorts are vowing to do again.

No insult intended to toddlers.

Refusing to raise the debt ceiling when necessary isn’t akin to reining in spending. The spending has already happened; this is akin to refusing to pay the bills when they come due, jeopardizing economic stability domestically and globally. Congress should, right now, raise the debt ceiling enough to ensure it won’t be an issue again for at least two years, depriving Smith and his colleagues of this particular mischief.

They should, but they won’t because of what Will Rogers once said: “I am a member of no political organization. I am a Democrat.”

I wish that weren’t true, but sadly he was spot on. Democrats might viscerally understand what should be done or what they need to do, but finding the political will to do it is another story. That means doing the necessary leg work, political arm-twisting, metaphorically holding guns to people’s heads, and anything else necessary to ensure that what should happen DOES happen.

Republicans have the discipline to do that. Democrats, sadly, cannot crack that whip.

If this kind of recklessness from the fiscal-responsibility party is weird, the once-security-minded GOP’s soft spot for Russia these days is even weirder. Democrats should ensure, now, that Ukraine has all the aid it needs to resist Russia’s aggression, since many Republicans are threatening that aid — apparently having forgotten that America is supposed to stand up against tyranny and for democracy.

I’m equally confused. Republicans have often screamed loud and long about liberty and freedom (usually their own), so you’d think they’d be all over aid for Ukraine, a country fighting to maintain its independence and freedom.

Ukrainians aren’t asking anyone to fight FOR them, but they are asking for material assistance and a lot of it, which they desperately need to fight the Russians. Even as successful as the Ukrainians have been, they’d been in a world of hurt very quickly without continued American aid.

(Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH): The Early Years)

Republicans also seem to have forgotten that friends and allies don’t abandon one another in the middle of a fight (except when Trump did it to the Syrian Kurds), especially when one is fighting for their survival and independence. So we owe it to the Ukrainians to do everything we can to give them what they need, short of boots on the ground to help them defeat the Russians, which is most definitely in America’s best interests.

For some reason, though, the Rabid Right-wing of the GOP is enamored with Vladimir Putin and would happily cut off Ukraine and leave it to twist in the wind. What to make of this soft spot for Russia is difficult to know- perhaps Putin’s been funneling money to some of these Republicans?

Nah, that would NEVER happen.

Speaking of which: Finalizing reforms to the Electoral Count Act is crucial. That’s the 19th century law that was written vaguely enough that former President Donald Trump and his supporters (including Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley) were able to exploit it and spark the Jan. 6, 2021, attack on the Capitol. The reforms, which have bipartisan support, would specify that, no, the vice president can’t choose the next president, while setting higher bars for objecting to state election slates.

Though Republicans will control the House in January, the Nov. 8 elections cannot by any stretch be read as a mandate. Democrats who still control Congress now have not just a right but a duty to ensure that the worst instincts of the incoming majority are reined in before they’re seated. Let’s cover those plug sockets.

Indeed. And we should hide the glassware, the good bourbon, and any half-decent Irish whiskey you have lying around. Let’s not encourage these fools to misbehave any more than we know they already will.

I hope Republicans will prove my fears misplaced (they won’t), but if the past can be prologue, it will be in this case. Besides, when racists, bigots, homophobes, and misogynists tell you who they are, you’d best believe them.

Because come January 20th, the inmates will be in charge of part of the asylum. It’s not going to be pretty.