If you grew up listening to people complaining about America going to Hell in a handbasketâŚwell, this oneâs for you, Kimosabe.
In what appears to be an apparent attempt to drag this country to the bottom of the moral barrel, TUSHY Bidet is asking Americans to send them pictures of your poop. The rules make for a riveting read (BY SUBMITTING AN ENTRY, ENTRANT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THEIR ENTRY MAY BE EXPLOITED ON TUSHYâS WEBSITE, IN TUSHYâS SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE DISCRETION), but can you imagine being one of the poor souls tasked with judging this contest?
If you work for TUSHY Bidet, is this in your employment contract? And does the judging take place before or after lunch?
Are there going to be categories? Best color? Consistency? Size? Does Taco Bell diarrhea disqualify an entrant? And what constitutes âextra flairâ of an entry? Are we talking about poop with sparklers and confetti? Or perhaps a color not typically found in nature?
Wait; a poop picture canât have won another prize? Do you mean to tell me there are other contests? In Japan, maybe?
And thereâs a chance someone might substitute someone elseâs poop for their own? How would anyone be able to tell?
Of course, if youâre judged to have Americaâs best poop, youâll win $10,000 and a TUSHY Bidet. YAY!! Of course, youâll also have to suffer the indignity/embarrassment of everyone knowing that you sent a picture of your poop over the Internet, which is probably a felony in many jurisdictions. And an introduction in others.
At first, I could pass this off as a joke, but it almost makes sense in a country where roughly one in four Google searches is for some flavor of porn. Weâve reached a point where bodily functions of all sorts are available for free if you know where to look. Judging poop quality is, I suppose, just one more weird fetish.
Iâm thankful I donât work for TUSHY Bidet, which might give a whole new meaning to having a shitty job.
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