So you think your $#!& doesn't stink?

Do YOU have America's best poop?

TUSHY Bidet @hellotushy

We're serious. You could win $10K if you send us your post-big game poop on Super Bowel Monday. Bonus points if you tell us what food it used to be. 👀 #TUSHYSuperBowel

TUSHY Bidet @hellotushy

Post your poop on the TL + tag us and use #TUSHYSuperBowel to enter. If you're poop shy, shoot us a DM. AND If you wanna read the official rules here's that link!

If you grew up listening to people complaining about America going to Hell in a handbasket…well, this one’s for you, Kimosabe.

In what appears to be an apparent attempt to drag this country to the bottom of the moral barrel, TUSHY Bidet is asking Americans to send them pictures of your poop. The rules make for a riveting read (BY SUBMITTING AN ENTRY, ENTRANT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT THEIR ENTRY MAY BE EXPLOITED ON TUSHY’S WEBSITE, IN TUSHY’S SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE DISCRETION), but can you imagine being one of the poor souls tasked with judging this contest?

If you work for TUSHY Bidet, is this in your employment contract? And does the judging take place before or after lunch?

Are there going to be categories? Best color? Consistency? Size? Does Taco Bell diarrhea disqualify an entrant? And what constitutes “extra flair” of an entry? Are we talking about poop with sparklers and confetti? Or perhaps a color not typically found in nature?

Wait; a poop picture can’t have won another prize? Do you mean to tell me there are other contests? In Japan, maybe?

Jacques Kitsch @PointyChicken

@KahmoraHall @hellotushy Yes, the entry guidelines are worth a read. No I will not submit a turd pic that has previously won another prize. Yes, I must receive permission to use someone else’s turd pic.

And there’s a chance someone might substitute someone else’s poop for their own? How would anyone be able to tell?

Of course, if you’re judged to have America’s best poop, you’ll win $10,000 and a TUSHY Bidet. YAY!! Of course, you’ll also have to suffer the indignity/embarrassment of everyone knowing that you sent a picture of your poop over the Internet, which is probably a felony in many jurisdictions. And an introduction in others.

At first, I could pass this off as a joke, but it almost makes sense in a country where roughly one in four Google searches is for some flavor of porn. We’ve reached a point where bodily functions of all sorts are available for free if you know where to look. Judging poop quality is, I suppose, just one more weird fetish.

I’m thankful I don’t work for TUSHY Bidet, which might give a whole new meaning to having a shitty job.

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