Soy boys waiting for their Door Dash order after Pilates class...it was a good day

The "Barbie" movie has Laura Ingraham and other Conservatives SERIOUSLY triggered

They don't want real men. I mean, they want pajama boys who sit around waiting for the government to send them a check, you know, as they get ready for their, you know, Pilates class in their, you know, leggings and wait for their next, you know, DoorDash order to come in. I mean, they don't — real men are a threat to them.

• Laura Ingraham

I never cease to marvel over the things Conservatives manage to lose their shit. They need righteous anger to feed their life force; without it, they’d be smoldering husks of inert protoplasm (kinda like Ben Shapiro and Nick Fuentes). They fight the culture wars 24/7/365; even if there’s nothing to fight about, they still find things about which to vent.

Their latest target is “Barbie,” the Greta Gerwig movie based (very loosely) on the doll. Shapiro is upset because the film uses the word “patriarchy” more than ten times. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Mordor) has his jock in a wad because…well, because he’s Ted Cruz, and that’s how he rolls.

Now Laura Ingraham is competing for the “Most Righteously Rageful Conservative Culture Warrior,” and she’s off to a good start.

Is this a Bingo game? Does Ingraham win a prize for how many things she can say in one sentence that would upset the dog-brained shut-ins who watch her show? Are the fans at home clapping their hands every time she says a magic word, like Pee Wee?

“Pajama boys.” Yay!

“Government send them a check.” Yaaaaaaay!

“Pilates!” Yayyyyyyy wait huh?

“Leggings!” OK this is getting to be a little bit of a stretch.

“DoorDash!”

The hell? Fellas, does ordering from DoorDash make you gay?

Apparently in Laura Ingraham’s world it does. Or maybe she had a stroke right then and we just couldn’t tell. Because she just said that the Barbie movie is trying to create men who sit around in their pajamas waiting for their welfare while they’re getting ready for Pilates and putting on their leggings and also waiting for the DoorDash they ordered to arrive.

Don’t get me wrong; I have no plans to see “Barbie,” not because I’m anti-Librul film-making, but because it’s not on my list. Of course, I may see it, but neither am I losing my shit over DoorDash making me gay…or whatever it is that has Ingraham’s panties in a bunch.

Man, her blood pressure must be setting world records, eh?

Again, we do not understand what it would be like to be a lunatic who is so upset about all the things all the time.

Matt Gaetz’s wife Ginger Gaetz, who is married to gross disgusting Matt Gaetz on purpose, who married him while the headlines were blazing about Gaetz’s yucky sexcapades, has lots of complaints about the Barbie movie, one of which is “Disappointingly low T from Ken.” We imagine sharing a bed with Matt Gaetz is such a high bar to clear in the “T” department.

From the “Disappointingly low standards” department comes the social commentary of Ginger Gaetz, who you’d think had to be able to do better than her (currently ALLEGED) pedophile husband. Interesting that she had no comment about the “A,” “P,” or “V” departments, eh?

I find it fascinating that Conservatives believe there’s only one acceptable perspective- theirs- and that anything else is sick, sinful, “disappointingly low T,” wrong, gay, or whatever other pejorative they can dredge up. The idea that there may be valid perspectives on life, the universe, or the arts other than their own, which are equally valid and completely different, shocks them to no end.

On Jesse Watters’s new primetime show “Put A Cocktail Napkin Over Your Glass If You Get Up To Pee” last night, he bitched and cried that the cancellation of that dork Jason Aldean’s shitty song is tantamount to “open season on all of us.” (He also suggested Aldean wrote the song, as if shitty, record label-manufactured autotune country stars are capable of writing one fucking note of music.)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is upset about Jason Aldean as well, bellyaching about CMT “cav[ing] to the woke mob.”

The Daily Wire guys? Who knew how much each of their masculinity was directly tied to fantasies that imaginary Snow White is a WHITE LADY DAMMIT? Matt Walsh is so upset about it and calling it “cultural appropriation.” Ben Shapiro is upset because Snow White is “like maybe the only racially specific white princess because it’s in the name.” Michael Knowles blubbered that the new Snow White “erases white people.”

Again, this what these people do every day of their joyless, inconsequential lives. Imagine if any of them ever spent five minutes doing something important.

“Erases White people?” “Cultural appropriation?” Do these folks do anything but talk out of their ass? Seriously, y’all, we’re talking about movies here. Nothing comes remotely close to posing a direct threat to your masculinity or White Conservative Christian cisgender heterosexual primacy. It's a movie- roughly two hours of entertainment, which you can take to heart…or not. That’s entirely up to you.

Or could it be that they’re so worried about movies like “Barbie” impacting the sexuality and/or masculinity of men because they’re secretly insecure about their own? Perhaps they know they can’t come out and say it, but they’re not altogether convinced on some level that they’re what they say they are.

Let’s face it; none of these guys are Arnold Schwarzenegger, right? They’re the ones who would be on the receiving end of having sand kicked in their face on the beach. So, while they drone on about protecting masculinity, perhaps they’re secretly trying to protect themselves.

I’d almost say I feel sorry for Conservatives, being angry about something inconsequential all day, every day. But, then again, if they're focusing their energies on stupid shit, at least they can’t be doing more lasting damage- like taking health care from women or trans kids. Or making abject cruelty official government policy, especially for those who aren’t White Conservative Christian cisgender heterosexuals.

If Conservatives weren’t losing their shit over pointless crap like movies or beer, they’d be in Congress or state houses doing even more serious long-term damage that might take generations to unwind. So, screw ‘em; let them vent their frustrations on pointless crap like movies.

While they’re fighting the culture wars, we, the people, can ensure that our elected representatives are held accountable and do the substantive things we elect them to do. All while Conservative culture warriors piss and moan about what has more to do with themselves than anything.

Ferchrissakes, y’all; it’s a damned movie. How ‘bout dialing down the righteous outrage for a change?