Ted Cruz- A Walking, Talking Argument For Abortion On Demand

This message is brought to you by Americans For a World Free of Assholes Like Ted Cruz

Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They're emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God's creations because they don't show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.

• Shannon L. Alder

I think it should go without saying that Bud Light is truly shitty beer. However, if you STILL have your panties in a wad over Anheuser-Busch doing their little pas-de-deux with transgender activist Dylan Mulvaney, I have only one piece of advice:

Get over yourself already. No one cares about your transphobic White privilege, ‘kay? Truly. It’s long since worn out its welcome, and the faux outrage is just plain tiresome. So go shoot up a stack of 24-packs of the carbonated horse piss if it makes you feel better or if you need to channel your inner Kid Rock.

Or call your mommy if you need someone to talk to. Your fake righteous outrage is tiresome and careworn. No. One. Cares.

But stop your whiny, entitled, I’m-the-only-one-who-matters whining, willya? Disappear into the woods and find a naked drum circle if it makes you feel better, but lose the transphobia. It makes you look like a collection of insecure pinheads frightened and uncertain about your sexuality. Real men don’t worry about shit like this for so long. Real men believe in the wisdom of “live and let live.”

Most of all, real men understand that Bud Light is genuinely, profoundly crappy beer.

Well, it's been a month, and Ted Cruz is still mad at beer.

On April 1, Bud Light did a 20-second sponsored post with trans actress Dylan Mulvaney, and the wingers have not stopped howling about it since. Here's the Instagram post that has them all soiling their Underoos in shock and horror.

Cute, huh?

Like, drink Bud Light or don't — [we don’t] care, and neither should anyone else! But the wingers are getting a jump on Hot Trans Bash Summer, so they've been screaming bloody murder about this grievous 20-second assault on Jesus and America and apple pie for weeks now.

But podcaster Ted Cruz is going one better, thanks to his side hustle as a US senator. So he and Senator Marsha "Klan Granny" Blackburn are launching a federal investigation of this dastardly brand affiliation crime.

And doesn’t it just figure that the Human Flaming Turd, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), would still be finding ways to milk this dead cow?

Because the junior Senator from Mordor Texas is all sorts of morally outraged about the “grievous…assault on Jesus and America and apple pie.” It sounds like someone needs a nap or a diaper change, doesn’t it?

So now we’re wasting tax dollars on…what, exactly? A Right-wing masturbation fantasy that somehow they can nail Big Beer for being complicit in advancing the “Transgender Agenda?”

OMG…hide the children!!!

I mean, perish the thought that anyone- ESPECIALLY a major American corporation- should show even an ounce of kindness to anyone who happens to be transgender. Because, as any good, God-fearing White Conservative Christian heterosexual patriot will tell you, they and ONLY they deserve truly shitty beer like Bud Light.

And, of course, because Anheuser-Busch showed even a fraction of kindness to a transgender activist, that ipso facto means that they’re marketing to children…right?? Because EVERYONE knows that JOB ONE for any transgender activist is to recruit children because they can’t reproduce themselves.

"One of the rules that beer companies are supposed to follow is they're not supposed to market to kids," Cruz blarped. "Remember the whole 'Joe the Camel' thing? This is the same thing here."

Yes, he really did say "Joe THE Camel." And no, it's not remotely the "same thing" as a years-long marketing campaign specifically targeted at kids.

Continuing the exercise in trollwankery, Cruz and Blackburn fired off a letter to Brendan Whitworth, the Chairman of the Beer Institute and the CEO of Anheuser-Busch Companies, LLC demanding an explanation. Naturally they misgender Mulvaney throughout — rancid rat dicks gonna rancid rat dick, right?

Of course, since “rancid rat dicks” like Cruz don’t have an ounce of respect for trans people, they feel justified in misgendering them. Because why not? It’s not like trans people are people, anyway. So why shouldn’t human sharts Sen. McSmarmy be able to act as disrespectfully as they see fit?

Despite what he may think of himself, I wouldn’t characterize him as the pinnacle of White humanity…or ANY humanity, for that matter.

As for “Joe the Camel,” yeah, that was nothing at all like a tobacco company’s years-long marketing campaign that specifically targeted kids. The Bud Light campaign was a one-off that wasn’t even really a “campaign” at all. It was more than anything an opportunity for the Rabid Right to lose its mind over something meaningless and devoid of substance.

In response to the Right-wing freakout, Anheuser-Busch placed the executives responsible for the Dylan Mulvaney campaign on a leave of absence. That was probably because InBev (Anheuser-Busch’s owner) refused to allow the company to throw them off a rooftop unceremoniously.

So instead of the ritual suicide or sacrifice they might have otherwise demanded, Sens. McSmarmy and Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) are settling for a sternly worded letter to Anheuser-Busch demanding “action.” That Blackburn is Cruz’s female doppelganger doesn’t help matters. The Senator from Tennessee is dumber than your average post turtle.

First, we write to ask that the Beer Institute’s Code Compliance Review Board open an investigation to review Anheuser-Busch’s recent and ongoing marketing partnership with Dylan Mulvaney. The Beer Institute must examine whether your company violated the Beer Institute’s Advertising/Marketing Code and Buying Guidelines prohibiting marketing to individuals younger than the legal drinking age….

The evidence detailed below overwhelmingly shows that Dylan Mulvaney’s audience skews significantly younger than the legal drinking age and violates the Beer Institute’s Advertising/Marketing Code and Buying Guidelines. We would urge you, in your capacity at Anheuser-Busch, to avoid a lengthy investigation by the Beer Institute by instead having Anheuser-Busch publicly sever its relationship with Dylan Mulvaney, publicly apologize to the American people for marketing alcoholic beverages to minors, and direct Dylan Mulvaney to remove any Anheuser-Busch content from [her] social media platforms….

Hootsuite noted that “overall, Instagram is Gen[eration] Z’s favorite social media platform. Global internet users aged 16 to 24 prefer Instagram to other social platforms. . . even ranking it above TikTok.” For marketing professionals seeking to reach the age 16 to 24 year old cohort, Instagram is an ideal platform. TikTok users also skew equally young. A leaked presentation about TikTok user demographics showed that 17% of the TikTok user base is 13 to 17 years old and 42% of the audience is between the ages of 18 and 24 years of age. While Anheuser-Busch appears to have targeted its rollout of the Mulvaney/Bud Light partnership on Instagram, it is obvious, given Dylan Mulvaney’s significant social media following on TikTok, that this influencer campaign would spill over to TikTok as well.

The letter attempts to make the case that

• because the Bud Light campaign was conducted on Instagram, and

• because Instagram is Gen Z’s favorite social media platform, ergo

• this insidious campaign MUST have been undertaken with the expectation that it would reach and therefore persuade underage children (to drink genuinely, truly crappy beer).

The problem is that the letter is essentially a tugboat load of verbal vomit that makes a weak case but doesn’t come close to proving it. Correlation is not causation, and burying your reader in an avalanche of solemn words and veiled accusations is not proof that something sinister took place.

Everything I’ve read to date indicates that this wasn’t even a marketing campaign but more of a one-off intended to congratulate Mulvaney for a significant accomplishment. There doesn’t appear to have been any “Hey, while we’re at it, let’s also do a subliminal marketing campaign to see if we can convince kids to become transgender AND drink Bud Light!!”

Yeah, and why not get Dr. Josef Mengele to sign up as a spokesmen for doctors who provide gender-affirming care? Oh, wait…he’s dead? Pity. He would’ve been a propaganda gold mine for Sen. McSmarmy.

Someone’s grasping at straws, no? Or, more aptly, throwing as much Jell-O against the wall as possible in the hopes that something- ANYTHING- will stick.

Good luck with that, eh?

That doesn't even make sense based on the stat some staffer Googled up about the Beer board's bylaws requiring that ads can only run where the anticipated audience is 73.6% of legal drinking age. And it's not US law, not that Dumb-n-Dumber are particularly concerned about the First Amendment. Although holding Anheuser-Busch responsible for the ads on TikTok that they didn't place is a nice touch.

These two goobers close with a demand that the beer company turn over all its marketing materials. Then presumably they celebrated another successful news cycle with a couple of cold bottles of Stella.

The problem with this entire sad and sorry episode is that it’s not about policy. It’s not about the “transgender agenda.” It’s not about a beer company allegedly marketing to children (because the GOP doesn’t give a damn about children once they leave the womb).

No, all this faux outrage really boils down to two things:

1. Scoring political points with the Rabid Right-wing base, those good, God-fearing White Conservative Christian patriots who fear and hate everything and everyone not like them.

2. Raising money off the fear stoked within that Rabid Right-wing base. All of this can be reduced to fundraising emails intended to fleece Conservative voters sufficiently fearful of trans people and those who threaten children.

Of course, no one’s threatening children here. It’s really about fear and monetizing that fear. The funds raised will go to inflate the campaign war chests of Senate Republicans like Cruz and Blackburn.

It’s as pathetic and dishonest as the day is long, but that’s how the GOP political game has been played since the ascension of Newt Gingrich in 1994. They know they’re the minority party and destined to remain that for the foreseeable future, but they believe they can manipulate the system and became a minority party exercising majority power.

And once they’ve milked the Dylan Mulvaney-Bud Light “controversy” for every last dime they can squeeze from it, they’ll create another fake controversy. That how the game is played.

Bread and circuses. Panem et circenses.

What, you thought Republicans actually gave a damn about governing? Have you watched Ted Cruz (and Marsha Blackburn, for that matter) in action? He’s about power, greed, and power. And he doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about doing the hard work of governing.

Besides, Republicans really do suck at governing. If you think I’m kidding, just look at what’s happened to the deficit whenever Republicans have controlled Congress and the White House.

Trust me; it ain’t pretty.