"[T]he dignity of men and women and the marital act?" That's not for us to judge.

If people want a family and IVF can help them achieve that dream, the rest of us need to STFU if we can't applaud their choice

If there’s one thing we’ve learned about Republicans (as if we didn’t already know this, of course), it’s that their capacity for lying is genuinely astonishing. It seems that the Republican Caucus on Capitol Hill is where Truth goes to experience a prolonged, lingering, and excruciatingly painful death.

Repeatedly.

You’d think Truth would learn, but it keeps returning for more. These next few months being peak election season, we can expect the carnage to be particularly horrific. The latest episode involves Sens. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Katie Britt (R-AL), both of whom can murder Truth without so as a moment’s pause or regret.

And before you ask, “shameless” is not in either Senator’s vocabulary.

This week, Republican Senators Ted Cruz and Katie Britt introduced a bill to protect Republicans from an electoral smackdown in November IVF. Yep, they’re still freaked about what happened when the Alabama state supreme court decided to outlaw IVF and be legends and all of America got a good reminder that Republicans are fucking lunatics who want to be the fascist dictators of what’s inside your underpants.

But it turns out, Ted Cruz and Katie Britt shouldn’t bother, because IVF is bad, and IVF is a sin, because you know how IVF babies are made? Well first a daddy goes into a room all by himself and he watches a movie called “Hot Teacher Shows Naughty Student The Old Razzle Dazzle,” yanks his crank, has a sin-splosion in a cup, and then a doctor takes over and makes a petri dish pregnant, and Jesus isn’t present for ANY of it, not like when good Christian mommies and daddies are exchanging loads the holy way.

Thank goodness this lady named Mary Szoch from the Family Research Council (Christian extremist hate group) is here to sexsplain:

Szoch said:

“Pornography is an integral part of the IVF process. And the husband’s use of pornography is typically how sperm is obtained. That’s not good for a marriage. We know that pornography goes against what God tells us about the dignity of men and women and the marital act.”

Now you know what conservative Christians REALLY mean when they talk about the stain of original sin.

Would you still even want to be a newborn baby if you found out your dad watched “Booby-Gobbling Prison MILFs 6” when he was doing his part to conceive you?

Never mind the part that concerns some dried-up judgmental prude taking it upon herself to force her narrow Fun Police morality upon all of us. IVF is a legitimate medical process. It’s also the only way some couples can conceive a child.

Essentially, what Ms. Missionary-Position-Only is telling us is that if you can’t have a child by the only acceptable method (lying on your back and crying in frustration until your husband gets his two pumps and a grunt in), you don’t deserve a child. Yeah, I’m not sure that’s her call to make, knowhutimean?

What I’m trying to say is that it’s none of her damned business—and it’s certainly not the concern of the Catholic Church.

And I have to think that Mary Szoch telling us what is or isn’t “good for a marriage” is part of her standup routine that probably KILLS at Catholic girls’ schools, where she headlines with Harrison Butkers. To say that “pornography goes against what God tells us about the dignity of men and women and the marital act” presumes to understand what goes on in every marriage.

She might want to focus more on what’s happening in her marriage rather than inserting herself into other unions.

Medical science offers alternative ways for previously childless couples to conceive and bear children. Busybody assholes like Ms. Missionary-Position-Only are free to their opinions, and that’s as far as it goes. That and $5.00 won’t get her an Oatmilk Latté at a halfway decent coffee shop.

I don’t know how my parents conceived me, but since it was July 1959, I’m going to assume it was the old-fashioned way. That’s as much as I care to think about it. I’m just glad I’m here; the mechanics of my origin only serve to clutter up my brain.

No one should be surprised that Ms. Szoch is the director of the Family Research Council’s so-called Center for Human Dignity, whatever that might mean. Whenever I see “human dignity,” it usually has something to do with using religion to deny someone fundamental human rights. Unsurprisingly, Szoch, before her position at FRC, was director of the Washington Catholic Conference. There, as her bio states,

she led “the fight against the legalization of prostitution, the complete deregulation of the abortion industry, and limitations on the freedoms of religious organizations” for the DC Archdiocese.

Of course, it’s a classically Catholic position (and a vignette from an old Woody Allen movie) that masturbation kills sperm that could potentially become children and, as such, can be considered the moral equivalent of murder.

(If you use that definition, then blowjobs are, by definition, cannibalism.)

Conservative Catholicism is a lot like the NFL (No Fun ‘Llowed). Anything fun about sex is frowned upon, and the act of sexual congress is primarily (in some cases, only) for purposes of procreation. It’s no wonder Catholics like Mary Szoch can be so dour and joyless—they’ve experienced little of it themselves.

Because of that, they feel honor-bound to deny joy to others. They truly serve as models of the love of Jesus Christ, eh?

As for IVF, if men need a little bit of “help” to do their part, then so be it. If that’s what they need to do to help bring a child into the world and create a loving environment for that child, where’s the harm? The world needs more families like that, and they should be afforded the opportunity to complete their circle, free from the sad, prying morality of people like Mary Szoch.

Gentlemen, start your Playboys!

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