The Dildo of Consequences rarely arrives lubed- the downfall of Ron DeSantis
Maybe it was eating pudding with three fingers...or the booger-mining...or...ah, who cares?
Anyone who discounts you is a dumbass," I muttered as the golf cart jerked forward.
"And are you a dumbass?" the Pigeon inquired as she peeked under the tarp.
"Absolutely not...I'm a smartass.”
Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time
From the beginning, Ron DeSantis’ Presidential campaign was destined to crash and burn. Sadly, the three-finger-pudding-eating Governor of Florida couldn’t even get that part right. When the end came, the thud was barely audible, and his campaign’s demise was barely noticeable, as if he hadn’t even been a factor. If one thinks back over the abortive history of his campaign, DeSantis wasn’t anything more than an afterthought, a talking point that was barely ever spoken of.
He’d never been more than a distraction, a shiny thing the press corps entertained itself with for a nanosecond before realizing they’d been hoodwinked.
Ron DeSantis was an exercise in self-parody, a sort of human caricature deeply uncomfortable with retail politics. Watching him in a debate or speech, my impression of him was, “I’m just a Republican, being something I’m not, hoping voters will like me and vote for me.” In the end, even the Pretty Woman routine didn’t work. He could never connect with voters on a human level. Perhaps it’s because he lacks human qualities like empathy, understanding, and compassion.
DeSantis officially launched his campaign last May via a “twitter space,” and it immediately crashed like a Tesla — because the Space Nazi is an incompetent dipshit, and because some of these metaphors just write themselves.
everyone had a field day with that, and even Fox News joined the pile-on.
From the beginning, Team DeSantis was an exercise in amateurism. He was hostile in his dealings with the press, implicitly expecting the Fourth Estate to be his de facto press operation.
Like Orange Jesus, every bit of reporting DeSantis didn’t like, which was most of it, was “fake news.”
but there were also moments of sublime self-ownery — like the time he felt the need to go on Fox to assure the public that he absolutely does not and would never ever ever ever ever use his weird how-do-these-work human digits to dig delicious snack food out of a cup and use those same “fin-gers” to guide this yummy nutrition into the noise-hole on his what was that called again? oh yeah — face.
So what if DeSantis ate pudding with three fingers? The entire episode was patently absurd, and DeSantis gave it oxygen by discussing it on Fox Nation with Piers Morgan. If he knew it to be absurd, why not just say, “That’s ridiculous, and I’m not going to dignify it with a response. Next question.”
As for trying to be an actual human being on the campaign trail, DeSantis wasn’t an over-the-top success. Lord knows he tried, but he lacks the ability to connect with human beings on a one-to-one basis when he can’t order them around or oppress them.
also note the ace job Ron’s doing here, telling the very people he’s trying to woo that he’d rather be in bed than be talking to them
How to win friends and influence voters, right? Yeah, that ain’t it, Ron.
And then there was the reality that he couldn’t shut up about how much he wanted to shoot everyone. It seemed DeSantis’ perfect world was one where he was the unquestioned Supreme Leader and could have anyone shot simply because it would brighten his day.
Bring me the head of Nancy Pelosi!!!
And God help anyone with the temerity to cross the Rio Grande while wearing a backpack. That shows specific intent to…well, I don’t know what, but it isn’t good, right, Governor??
Ron has been forced to find ever-more-incendiary ways to call attention to himself. this past Sunday he showed up on Face the Nation with a brilliant new policy idea: shoot every migrant wearing a backpack. because fentanyl, you understand.
host Margaret Brennan was aghast, and pressed Ron for details.
“can you explain how that would work? would a soldier have to ask his commanding officer for permission before he shoots anyone wearing a backpack or is this just a blanket ‘shoot anyone with a backpack’?”
Ron tried to deflect, babbling some nonsense about cartels and fentanyl and how we need to get tough. Margaret refused to be derailed. again she asked,
“how would you differentiate who’s a threat? how would you shoot people wearing backpacks?”
Ron tries to filibuster again, and gets cut off.
“but how do you know what’s in the backpack?”
Ron: “you have to make those judgements.”
Right. Is the back big enough to carry fentanyl? Or small, hand-held thermonuclear weapons? Or furbys? Because only two of those three things pose a threat to America, and Ron DeSantis would expect a 22-year-old National Guardsmen from East Bumfuck, TX, to be able to make that distinction in a split-second. At night. Using a nightscope.
Sure. What could possibly go wrong, eh?
Well, sacrifices must be made.
And, true to the spirit of his campaign's “WTF????" nature, Ron DeSantis exited the battlefield thinking he was doing one thing when, in fact, he was doing something nowhere near as noble as he was giving himself credit for.
He believed he was quoting Churchill when he was…well, see for yourself:
Ah, well…perhaps Budweiser thought they were quoting Churchill, eh?
he…has no moves left. he’s term limited as Governor. he’s too repellant to be a TV host. he’s too unpleasant to become a lobbyist. back to the House? forget it. Senator DeSantis? really?
adios, clownstick.
don’t bother writing a book, Ron. no one wants to hear from losers.
hey, maybe they’ll let you go back to sitting in on Gitmo torture sessions and laughing.
thanks for the memories, Ron. we’ll cherish them forever.
It’s oddly appropriate that Ron DeSantis bowed out of the 2024 Presidential race with a blooper. In a way, his entire ride as a candidate was a blooper. He failed to connect with voters on a person-to-person basis; his policies were awful and draconian, and to the end, he was best known for wanting to shoot people at the border.
Because that’s what America does, don’tchaknow?
Perhaps if DeSantis was a better communicator, he could have siphoned off some of Donald Trump’s more lucid supporters, but even they wanted nothing to do with a man who couldn’t get it right. Campaigning for President isn’t for everyone. It takes someone with an exceptional skill set and the willingness to be an open book to anyone and everyone. I can’t imagine opening my life to that degree to anyone for any reason. But that’s what running for President entails- somehow finding a way to be all things to everyone.
At one time, Ron DeSantis had hoped to present himself as a more lucid, less chaotic version of Donald Trump- Trump Lite, if you will. But he could never plant his flag in that soil. He could never find footing firm enough to establish himself as the master of that realm, perhaps because whatever he tried, Trump was always there to claim that space. And so DeSantis always looked like a poor imitation, a wannabe Trump that was no closer to being the real thing.
On Sunday, Ron DeSantis announced the end of his presidential campaign, endorsing Donald Trump in the same video and ending a campaign that was anything but smooth or effective.
From a speechwriter posting neo-Nazi symbolism on social media, to clearing house on campaign staff midway through last summer, DeSantis never settled into a specific lane throughout his campaign and never broke through with Republican voters.
As a conservative voter, I initially supported the DeSantis campaign. I thought that he was the best chance Republicans had at taking the White House. I saw him as a candidate strong enough to beat Trump, and he was primed to do so. When DeSantis launched his campaign last spring, he was the popular Florida governor who guided his state properly through the COVID-19 pandemic and had just won a somewhat contested state by almost 20 points.
What disappointed me rather quickly in the Florida governor’s campaign was his reluctance to go after Trump. He wanted to be the heir apparent to the MAGA throne, rather than be a true alternative to the Trump brand of politics….
The problem for DeSantis is that Trump's grip on his wing of the Republican Party is too strong, and any candidate looking to beat Trump is fighting an extreme uphill battle to siphon even the slightest bit of support from that base.
Ron DeSantis wanted to be President because he wanted to be President. It never seemed that he wanted the job for any other reason. He never seemed to have any vision; his “War on Woke” was a laughable-and ultimately futile- attempt to use the culture wars to cleave the electorate along ideological, religious, and racial lines.
He never sought to build anything; he sought only to tear things down. Nothing about him ever spoke of wanting to make America a better place. It was all about the pursuit of ultimate power.
The problem for DeSantis is that his presence in the race and eventual dropping out of it confirms what most of us have known all along. Donald Trump owns the GOP lock, stock, and barrel. The Republican Party has lost its soul, morality, and whatever sense of decency and integrity it might once have had. It now exists solely for the aggrandizement of Orange Jesus.
If you think that’s pathetic, and it certainly is, keep in mind that more than 72 MILLION people voted for Trump in 2020. The thought that the same may happen again in November is what’s truly deplorable.
In the meantime, Ron, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way off the Trump Train. There’s only room for one ignorant, demented, orange despot-in-waiting.
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DeFascist is scooping up brown pudding from some source, wondering how a campaign by, for, and directed at illiterate, neo-fascist, white supremacist buffoons could fail to connect with the Republican base.