There's No Truth To Reports That I'll Be Covering Denis Leary's "A*****e" Later
I'd have to restring my guitar first
GREETINGS FROM THE EARTHLY PARADISE THAT IS GIDEON
Silly me. I may be an atheist, but I spent enough time in Sunday School during my misspent youth to learn that Jesus was all about love, tolerance, and acceptance. Try telling that to self-described “Christocrat” Rick Scarborough, who wants to take over school boards in Texas by electing Far-Right members of the Texas Taliban.
Remember, Jesus hates you- unless you’re White, Conservative, Christian, and heterosexual.
STAGING A COUP IS ONLY TREASON IF YOU’RE A DEMOCRAT
You may know Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ) as one of the creepiest and most miserable humanoids in Congress (or on the face of the planet). But did you know that Gosar, along with at least five other batsh*t-crazy Republican Congresscritters, was involved in planning the abortive January 6th coup attempt?
Yet, Gosar, who’s such an irredeemably hopeless asshole that his family has publicly rejected him, is still in Congress. Show of hands; how many think this would be true if he were a Democrat?
WELL, IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE YELLED, “COLD GUN!!”
Amazing. Alec Baldwin accidentally kills a woman with a prop gun on a movie set in New Mexico, and Republicans want him strung up by his testicles. Then, someone shoots up a mall in Boise, Idaho, killing two people and injuring four others- and Republicans are all “Thoughts and prayers!!” WTF????
Here be monsters, y’all.
A FUNCTIONAL GRIP ON REALITY IS ONLY FOR LOSERS AND LIBERALS
Ashli Babbitt never existed, and Donald Trump is still President. Don’t believe me? Just ask Philip Weisbecker, one of the, um, “Patriots” on trial for his part for the “normal tourist visit” to the US Capitol on January 6th.
Has anyone else noticed that we’re treating these idjits as if they have something relevant and meaningful to add to the public discourse? And as if they shouldn’t be institutionalized and placed on Thorazine 24/7/365?
MO BROOKS: AN ASSHOLE’S ASSHOLE…MAMA MUST BE SO PROUD
Rep. Mo Brooks (R-AL), one of the speakers at the “SAVE AMERICA” rally on the morning of January, says he wasn’t involved in planning the insurrection that followed the rally. However, he DOES say that it’s possible his staff may have participated in planning the attempted coup, and if they did, he’d be SO proud of them.
“I don’t know if my staff did.. but if they did I’d be proud of them for helping to put together a rally lawful under the First Amendment at the ellipse to protest voter fraud & election theft.” Wow, and their Mamas would be fairly beaming with pride, eh?
I’LL TAKE “LEPROSY IN CHIMPANZEES” FOR $500, BOB
Just when you might have begun to think that we might skate out of 2021 without any more significant f**k-ups, tragedies, or crises, we dial up “Leprosy in chimpanzees.” That’s right; there are now chimps infected with leprosy in the Ivory Coast and Guinea-Bissau. Oh, the humanity!!
If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom playing Russian Roulette while juggling box cutters.
YOU SAY “HUMAN SACRIFICE;” I SAY “SPIRITUAL JOURNEY”
IT’S A CHURCH SERVICE!! IT’S A RITUAL SACRIFICE!!
Hey, didn’t Jesus die for our sins? Bro, we’re JUST LIKE JESUS!!
PLANNING ON BEING MISERABLE IN THE RAIN IN SEATTLE? YOU’D BETTER HAVE PROOF OF VACCINATION!
Beginning this coming Monday, if you want to eat in restaurants, attend indoor events, or attend large outdoor events in King County, Washington, you’re going to need to bring your COVID-19 vaccine card with you.
‘Cuz Lord knows that standing outside in the cold, grey dreariness that is the national sport in the Pacific Northwest this time of year isn’t punishment enough.
MAYBE POSSIBLY MURDERING HIS FIANCEE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT?
Brian Laundrie’s family has decided to forego holding a funeral for him. Instead, they’ll have him cremated and will ship his ashes to the cast of Fox News Channel’s The Five. It appears that Alex Jones will try to convince his listeners that Laundrie was a Liberal plant and that his fiancee, Gabby Petito, was a spy for the Democratic National Committee.
On a related note, the Sarasota County DA’s office will indict Laundrie’s parents for being accessories to gross stupidity.
HE’D ALWAYS SAID HE WANTED TO GO OUT WITH A BANG
A North Carolina power outage that cut electricity service to 10,000 people in the Charlotte area this summer was due to a single squirrel who’d decided to commit ritual suicide.
Authorities refused to comment on rumors that the squirrel left a suicide note behind saying that he wouldn’t go out alone.
SOMETHING ABOUT APPLES AND TREES AND SHORT DISTANCES….
With Mango Mussolini having been permanently banned from Twitter in the aftermath of the January 6th “normal tourist day” at the US Capitol, we didn’t have to look far to find the new “Biggest Asshole on Twitter.”
Trump’s son, Donald Trump, Jr., has proven to be a more than capable replacement for his father in the insensitive asshole department. As difficult as this may be to believe, Junior possesses even more minute amounts of compassion, decency, and native intelligence than his father.
GOOD FOR HER, BUT I STILL DON’T NEED TO SEE IT
I admire Lizzo’s talent, if not necessarily her music. I also greatly appreciate her willingness to take on the haters and those who’d tear her down because she’s not thin, White, and blonde. She’s never going to be any of those things, and she’s perfectly OK with that. You go, girl.
So, with that in mind, why not moon thousands of people on Instagram with shots of her bare ass? Fight fire with fire, eh? That might work for her, but it’s not a strategy I’ll be employing any time soon. NO ONE needs to see my furry White ass. For any reason. Or no reason at all.
IF YOU’RE CLAIMING TO SPEAK FOR GOD…WELL, WE’VE FOUND THE PROBLEM, HAVEN’T WE??
I can think of no better way to prove one’s “Yep, I’m an asshole!” bona fides than to claim to speak for God. Pastor Shane Vaughn’s nailed it, at least when referring to President Joe Biden: “And thou profane, wicked president of my people, I got a message for the president of my people, or the resident of my people: You profane homosexual-loving, abortion-loving president, those that took the children and confused them about who they were, you profane president whose day is come—when iniquity shall have an end, when a man will rise up to make America great again, oh God, to make America God’s again.‘I’m gonna stop it,’ thus saith Yahweh[.]”
Yeah, if you’re claiming to speak for Almighty God, that’s a serious asshole move. At least lay off the Jack Daniels first.
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Tune in next week when we’ll be discussing why Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) and Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) are under investigation for their alleged torrid weekends with the Georgetown Junior High School Boy’s Basketball team. Or was it the girls’ team? Or perhaps both?
I can never remember.
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