This Week In Stupid- Where "Mine Is Bigger" Takes On A Whole New Meaning

Are we ready for a Elon Musk vs. Mark Zuckerberg "dick-measuring" contest?

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.

• Gustave Flaubert

Logan’s parents fucking SUCK:

Indeed. And on behalf of all decent, compassionate, right-thinking Americans- yes, those of us who believe people should have more rights than guns- please accept my sincere apologies. You deserve SO much better than parents who are flaming assholes.

I sincerely hope that the rest of your life will be dedicated to living your life in a way that makes you happy while simultaneously showing your parents what first-class, Grade-A, top-shelf, USDA Prime dickweeds they’ve been. May you survive your childhood and make it to the age of majority without achieving infamy for becoming an incel cuck mass murderer.

Elon Musk Aims Below The Belt With Latest Mark Zuckerberg Attack:

Elon Musk seems to be running out of witty, erudite insults to lob at Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who must be chuckling into his Bud Light right about now. With the recent introduction of Instagram’s Twitter-reminiscent Threads app and its raging immediate success, Musk is grasping at straws.

Of course, Musk is the one who paid $44 BILLION for Twitter, only to immediately embark on a journey to run the world’s then-preeminent social media platform into the ground. It’s as if Musk set out to destroy Twitter from the start, so rapid has been its descent into chaos and Right-wing fuckery.

So, whether out of frustration or a sick sense of humor, Musk has challenged Zuckerberg to “a literal dick-measuring contest.” Toward what end, one can only guess, but WTAF? Is someone trying to compensate?

The swell of enthusiasm around the new app Threads seems to be too much for Elon Musk.

The CEO of Twitter has been lashing out at fellow tech mogul Mark Zuckerberg since the release of Meta’s micro-blogging app last Tuesday, but he truly aimed below the belt when he challenged his rival to “a literal dick-measuring contest” on Sunday night.

Musk’s proposition followed a crass jab he tweeted hours earlier, “Zuck is a cuck” ― short for “cuckold,” which has become a go-to insult for the right-wing set.

I can only speak for myself here (but I don’t think I am), but I will say without reservation that I have no desire whatsoever to see Musk OR Zuckerberg measuring dicks, whether their own or each others.

What’s more, I really don’t want to know the ground rules (Flaccid or erect?)

Michael Knowles- Condoms Definitely Unconstitutional, Probably Gay:

There are few things more stupid and pointless than Conservatives wasting breath and brain cells obsessing over the LGBTQ community. Why? What possible harm is being done to them by people who only want to be left alone to live their lives?

The LGBTQ community isn’t “recruiting,” nor is it forcing its “lifestyle” on good, God-fearing, White Conservative Christian heterosexuals. If the LGBTQ community puts you off, you don’t have to take part. Problem solved, eh? Truth be told, they don’t want you around, anyway. You’d be a serious buzzkill.

So why does Conservative asshole Michael Knowles have his jock in a wad these days? Probably because he hates sex- unless it’s of the variety one might see in The Handmaid’s Tale- three grunts and a squirt. And Knowles would probably suck at that.

During his internet television show on the Daily Wire on Monday, Michael Knowles went on a rather unhinged rant in which he blamed the sexual revolution, starting with Griswold v. Connecticut, for the fact that he is very cruelly forced to live in a world with people he happens to not care for.

In the recent past, Knowles went on and on about how he wants to "eradicate transgenderism" and then pitched a fit about how it was unfair for people to say he wanted to genocide trans people when all he actually wanted was for them to stay closeted for his personal comfort. Because sure, that's an entirely normal thing for a person to want.

Now, it is starting to seem as though he may want to eradicate practically everyone.

I don’t know what’s wrong with the guy, but Michael Knowles has some serious hang-ups regarding sex of any sort.

The same people who are furious that conservative women are pushing against birth control are also furious that the Supreme Court made it a little bit harder to kill babies through abortion. They're the same people who are pushing euthanasia for the elderly and the poor and the homeless and the mentally ill.

Oh? And who might that be, pray tell?

They're the same people who are pushing the sterilization of children through all these eunuch-making procedures that they call transgenderism. It's all the same thing.

So, yeah…euthanizing homeless people is precisely the same as gender-affirming care? Got it. Thanks for clearing that up.

And I can't help but notice the end is always the same, which is fewer people. Because these guys, the leftists, the sexual revolutionaries, who are pushing all of these social pathologies, they just seem to hate people, or at the very least, they're being used by vessels of entities that hate people. It's always the same end.

Who is it that hates people? Because I’m not exactly feeling the love from Knowles, knowhutimean? This entire rant seems predicated on the rage he feels from having to share a planet with the LGBTQ community, as if there’s not enough room for everyone.

And it's a reminder for conservatives. You know, there were a lot of conservatives who would argue, and pro-lifers, they would say, look, we just want to end abortion. We're not gonna touch contraception. We're not going to touch — I don't know, artificial insemination. We're not going to touch IVF. We're not going to touch surrogacy. We're not going to touch this, that, or the other thing. And I understand, tactically, why they say the killing of babies in the womb is — is much more urgent and dire and dangerous than these other issues. But you can't neatly separate all of these issues. It's all of a piece with the sexual revolution. The culture that treats sex very casually and that suggests that we have a right to sex absent the consequence of pregnancy, is going to be a culture that's more likely to engage in abortion. The culture that embraces radical individualism and selfishness and libertinism in one area of sexual matters is going to embrace it in another, and that's going to result in abortion.

Because all Knowles wants is a world where he can have all the sex he wants without consequence or guilt, a world where he can use women for his personal pleasure and toss them aside when he’s done. After all, what are women but cum dumpsters, right??

And it's not just transgenderism, it's the redefinition of marriage. And it's not just the redefinition of marriage, it's the way that we view sex. Why did Gallup show a seven point drop in support for same-sex relations of any kind? Because people are beginning to pull on the thread of transing the kids and realizing that because ideas have consequences, bad consequences come from bad ideas. And so, they're going all the way back — and forget redefining marriage or whatever. You go all the way back to the beginning of the sexual revolution. And you go all the way back to contraception.

Wait…" transing the kids?” WTF is Knowles talking about? Does he even listen to himself…or is he just vomiting words forth in the hopes that it will eventually come together and sound like a coherent, sensible argument?

Because his word salad sounds like nonsensical bullshit.

But Knowles is just getting warmed up…because, as you should probably know by now, condoms are “gay.”

I know, you’re probably thinking I’m making this stuff up, but not even I am that sick and twisted.

There were two cases, Eisenstadt and Griswold. First was Griswold in 1965. Then Eisenstadt comes around in 1972, the year before Roe v Wade. And Griswold finds a right to condoms within a marriage. Where is that in the Constitution? I have no idea. But some libs on the court discovered that magically in 1965. But they said, but — there is no right to condoms outside of marriage. Then seven years later, the court discovers, oh, actually, there was more invisible ink in the Constitution. And actually, there is a right to condoms outside of marriage. Okay. Maybe you like condoms. Maybe you don't like condoms. I don't know where you're gonna find that in the Constitution. I think a lot of people are beginning to notice that the contraceptive mentality is the beginning of the Pride mentality. Because the contraceptive mentality divorces sex from the consequences of sex. It introduces a sterile sexual ethic, which is exactly what gave us the Pride movement. There's no distinction here. If you can't read between the lines, the conclusion that one draws is that condoms are kind of gay. To put it as bluntly as possible. Okay?

Wait…condoms are in the Constitution? How did I miss that?

The biggest problem Knowles is having with his argument is that he wants to tie sex with the consequences of sex- as in, no one should be having sex unless they’re prepared to have children. Because the “contraceptive mentality” is the beginning of the “Pride mentality,” which divorces sex from the consequences of sex.

Got that? It’s making my head hurt.

You see, sex can never be just for fun. It can never be “recreational.” No, it must be fraught with guilt and fear and trepidation. The terrifying specter of accidental pregnancy must always hang over the act of sex for it to be truly meaningful, at least as defined by Michael Knowles.

And it's not a coincidence that female conservative influencers, noticed by NBC News, are beginning to pick up on that. Bad ideas can have a very long run, but eventually — and this is the conservative consolation, reality reasserts itself in the end. And people are beginning to realize, okay, if I don't like this insane, anarchistic view of sex that is totally self-centered and divorced from any ends whatsoever, well, then maybe I gotta rewind it and ask what is the point of sex? Which is why it's not gonna be the patriarchy that's coming for your consequence-free birth control. It's not going to be the men. The men, frankly, are huge supporters of — of birth control and contraception because it allows them to have consequence-free sex. It's gonna be those conservative women. That's who's coming for it. NBC News is right to be worried.

OMG…who peed in Michael Knowles’ sandbox??

Turns Out 'Hunter Biden' Whistleblower Is Chinese Agent! And Arms Trader! Who Sold Iranian Oil! Oh Well!:

Remember a few years ago when Republicans would reflexively yell “Benghazi!! Benghazi!! Benghazi!!” whenever reporters got too close to the uncomfortable truth…which was that they were full of shit?

Well, lo, these many years later, a new crop of Right-wing Trumpbots appear to have learned precisely nothing from that experience. For now, the reflexive cry is “Hunter Biden!! Hunter Biden!! Hunter Biden!!” It’s about his laptop, his cocaine, or his business in Ukraine, China, or his futile efforts to purchase the Green Bay Packers.

Wait…one of those things isn’t true. You’ll have to figure out which one.

Lately, the House Intelligence Committee chairman James Comer (R-KY) has intimated that they have a secret whistleblower that will blow the top off the “Biden crime family?” Except that now they’ve “lost” that whistleblower??

Are these people THAT inept? Do we even have to answer that question?

Have we mentioned that House Intel Chair James Comer is full of shit? Like, more full of shit than a herd of constipated elephants? Oh, we say it a lot? Well, fair, because it's totally true.

Okay, kids, get your Pepe Silvia stringboards out, because it's time to play everyone's favorite game, What The Fuck Are Republicans On About Now? Yeah, again. You know you love it!

Today's topic: WHO OR WHAT IS GAL LUFT?

Okay, so you know how Comer and his band of dipshits have been hee-hawing for months about their top secret whistleblower? The one who can prove that Hunter Biden and Joe Biden took all the bribes from China? They couldn't produce him because REASONS, and in May our pal Jamie took his big square head over to Fox to tell that big airhead Maria Bartiromo that his informant was lost.

"Well, unfortunately we can't track down the informant. We are hopeful that the informant is still there. The whistleblower knows the informant, the whistleblower is very credible," he told the credulous Fox host, who briefly demonstrated signs of mild skepticism, before reverting to form.

"Who in the White House is intimidating these people? Do you know?" she gasped.

"I do know," Comer assured her. "We're saving that for a later time."

Yep, nothing like building the drama, eh?

I won’t reward Comer and his merry band of inbreds for their web of lies and history of ineptitude. Suffice it to say that their “bombshell” informant went to the New York Post, the last bastion of objective journalism (not), to claim that the US Government is trying to silence him.

Of course, upon hearing their man’s story, Comer and Rep. Gym Jordan (R-OH) beat feet to Fox News Channel (FNC) to defend Gal Luft’s integrity and the veracity of his story.

Upon hearing that, the lawyers at DOJ behind the case against Luft laughed into their Corona Lights and immediately unsealed the indictment against him. You probably won’t want to read the entire indictment, but you should note that it was returned on November 1st, 2022- BEFORE there was a Republican-majority Congress. So, no, it wasn’t “Joe Biden’s Department of Justice” who indicted Luft.

So the idea that the feds arrested this guy to head him off from talking to Congress is reeedonkulous. That investigation was in the works for a good long while, and a gander at the charges lets you know exactly why.

Luft is alleged to have conspired to traffic weapons and Iranian oil, in addition to violating the Foreign Agents Registration Act (FARA). And while the weapons and oil may be more serious from a criminal perspective, Luft's FARA scheme is most interesting politically.

Broadly speaking, Luft coordinated with Chinese agents to pay former CIA Director James Woolsey to author pro-China editorials in Chinese news outlets during the 2016 election and its aftermath.

I’m not sure why Republicans always seem to have their hooks in guys with the morals, ethics, and legal problems of Joe Isuzu (Google it, kids), but they always seem to be up to their balls in sleaze.

And yet the metric s**t-tons of pure horse shit emanating from the GOP Death Star was (and remains) astonishing, in this case from Rep. Nancy Mace (R-SC)…supposedly a moderate Republican [feel free to insert duck snort here].

Luft didn't get indicted because he tried to blow the whistle on Hunter Biden. He got indicted because he was wildly corrupt and because he made false statements about it to the FBI, including in March of 2019, during the very same interview in which Comer alleges that Luft blew the whistle on Hunter Biden.

Good Lord, but these people can’t even lie convincingly.

James Comer is today’s poster child for the Dunning-Kruger Effect…not that he’s smart enough to know what it is.

GOP Candidates Will Definitely Criticize Trump Once They're Already President, Maybe:

I’m not stupid; you’re stupid!!

What does it say about our republic when the putative head of one of our two major political parties is a blithering idiot with the maturity of a 12-year-old and a string of felony indictments longer than his goldfish-like memory?

Be a goldfish, indeed….

The worst part of this circus sideshow is that none of the 87 Republicans who declared their candidacy have dared to speak seriously against The Former Guy. It’s as if that’s the Third Rail no one dares touch because it might anger The Base.

So, according to the Washington Post, the 101 Republican presidential candidates are struggling to assemble a “potent political argument” against the twice-impeached,twice-indicted sexual abuser Donald Trump. (See what I just did with that sentence?)

The most obvious line of attack is that Trump is a deranged psychopath who incited a violent assault on the Capitol just three years ago. He hasn't exactly mellowed since then, like when the Joker on "Harley Quinn" transitioned from supervillain to socialist mayoral candidate. Just last week, Trump accused the sitting US president, whom he once called "Sleepy" Joe, of snorting coke — hardly known for its anesthetic properties — in the White House and has not-so-subtly threatened the lives of special prosecutor Jack Smith and his family.

That's an easy "don't let this loon near the nuclear codes ever again" ad, but instead these morons want to test how many times they can say "woke" without their tongues twisting into a knot.

Anyone who’s not a complete lunatic Republican can easily recognize that The Former Guy shouldn’t be allowed within a five-mile radius of the White House. He spent four years (and the two-plus years since leaving office) proving his utter unfitness to serve in ANY capacity.

He shouldn’t be allowed to manage a Dairy Queen in Rugby, ND, much less have access to the nuclear football.

In fact, the only FEDERAL facility he should ever be allowed into again is a federal prison, which may happen whether he likes it or not.

What’s genuinely distressing, though, is the milquetoast approach collectively taken by those running against The Former Guy. They can see what the rest of us can; it’s not as if it’s not painfully obvious. I know ten-year-olds with greater maturity and a better grip on reality, yet the GOP candidates tread lightly as if they’re tap-dancing through a minefield.

So much for the courage of your convictions, eh?

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That’s it for this edition of This Week in Stupid. Tune in next week when Florida Gov. Ron DeSatan will attempt to inject some life into his flagging campaign by jumping naked off a 10-story building into a vat of chocolate tapioca pudding. Yum….