This week was brought to you by the law firm of "More, Dumber, & Holee-Schitt"

Wait...you ate what for an entire week??

I Ate Nothing But Dog Food for Seven Days Straight!:

Full disclosure: I enjoy

Anne Kadet

’s Substack. I really do. She loves New York in a way that not many New Yorkers do, and I can appreciate that.

Having said that, I have to wonder what might possess an otherwise sane, rational adult to live off nothing but dog food for a week. Sure, the sight of a woman nibbling on Milk Bones probably isn’t the strangest thing an NYC commuter might see on the subway, but sharing breakfast with your four-legged friend seems…well, I’m not sure what, precisely. I’m not disgusted, necessarily, just…um, I mean, what do you do with that?

I love my dog, but I can’t see myself sharing coffee and a scone with him…nor do I think he’d appreciate in the way I do. He’d scarf the scone, tip over the coffee, and tear off after one of his dog toys. Our magical moment would’ve lasted perhaps 24 seconds, tops.

I suppose one of the great things about being human is having the free will to choose your daily repast. Some of us like to vary our cuisine, and some choose dog food.

Hey, I’m not here to judge.

Matt Schlapp Didn't Pay Accuser To Drop His Peener Groping Lawsuit. SOMEBODY ELSE Paid Matt Schlapp's Accuser To ... You Know

I’ve always marveled at money's ability to solve problems. Big problems, minor problems, and very inconvenient personal peccadilloes often disappear with the proper application of sufficient amounts of cash. So it was with prominent Conservative and Lord of CPAC Matt Schlapp, who’s long been known in Conservative circles for (maybe, possibly…yeah, almost certainly) swinging from both sides of the plate.

So, it wasn’t surprising when this came across the transom:

It’s the update nobody saw coming!

….[W]e learned that the man who had accused CPAC’s holy and blameless white-haired patriarch Matt Schlapp of drunkenly groping his dick — “pummeling his junk,” in the lingo of the complaint — had mysteriously and suddenly dropped his sexual assault lawsuit against Schlapp, plus his defamation lawsuit against Schlapp, Schlapp’s wife Mercedes, CPAC, the American Conservative Union, this one other Schlapp idiot Caroline Wren, etc.

It had all been one big misunderstanding! It wasn’t groping, it was a Christian sidehug gone hilariously awry! Or something. Point is, the lawsuit was dropped. And for totally legit reasons. The accuser, Carlton Huffman, said in his meticulously prepared statement, without being asked, that “[n]either the Schlapps nor the ACU paid me anything to dismiss my claims against them.”

You know, not that anyone had asked.

But now that you mention it, it did seem like a heavily lawyered statement, one with loopholes you could drive a Mack truck through. Like, maybe somebody else paid Huffman something? Or maybe some other kind of arrangement had been met? It would have been irresponsible not to wildly speculate!

But nah, it was the first thing. ACU’s insurance company paid Huffman off, to the tune of $480,000, per the Daily Beast. That would be the insurance company ACU pays for liability insurance.

So, to recap, nothing happened (and what if it did?) The $480,000 was paid to Carlton Huffman so the poor schlub wouldn’t be traumatized because people had been publicly talking about his Johnson. Evidently, there was serious concern that Mr. Huffman would develop an inferiority complex, and ACU felt the $480k would be fair compensation for any potential trauma that he may have been incurred.

Hey, for $480k, you could talk about my dick for a solid week straight if you wanted to. You could draw pictures and wax rhapsodic over every crease, curve, and wrinkle…as long as the check clears.

As everyone knows, Matt Schlapp is a fine, God-fearing, patriotic, White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual who’s never even looked at another man’s penis…much less touched one (and if you believe that, I have a summer home in Albania I’d love to sell you).

No, sir; he loves his wife’s vagina. AS JESUS COMMANDED!

Heathen President Biden Acknowledges Both Easter AND Trans Visibility Day, Wingnuts Flip Out

Yeah, Easter was a bit rough this year.

If Easter felt a bit off this year, you weren’t alone in that supposition. It was one of those weird days when the planets aligned just so. It gave us the collision of Easter and (GASP!!! Oh, the humanity….) Transgender Visibility Day- that glorious day when the trans community tries to force their “transgenderism” upon good, God-fearing White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexuals.

AND THEY WERE HAVING NONE OF IT!!

No, sir, the wingnuts were, to put it mildly, freaking the fuck out.

Easter!

A day for people to mark the resurrection of the Savior after his crucifixion. A day to dress in bright gay-in-the-not-referring-to-homosexuals-definition-of-the-word colors, to attend church, to get together with family for a nice meal; for the kids to run around the house seeking the painted eggs you have not-so-carefully hidden; to frighten small children by dressing up in a demented bunny costume and shouting “Someone bring Uncle George a beer, it’s hot as fuck in this goddamned thing” or whatever Uncle George shouts when he’s stuffed into a suit of fur on a hot day and Aunt Margaret has hidden all the booze so he won’t get drunk and embarrass her in front of her family.

Easter is also a day for the wingnuts to find something to feel galactically, pants-shittingly offended about, not that that is really any different from any other day. So come on down, Trans Visibility Day, it is your turn in the barrel!

Yes, Sunday happened to be Trans Visibility Day, an observance begun in 2009 in an effort to counter bigotry aimed at transgender people. The activists who came up with the idea designated March 31 as the official day. And with the increased hatred aimed at transgender people the last few years, it is an important opportunity for decent folks to acknowledge trans people’s humanity.

This year March 31 also happened to fall on Easter Sunday. Which meant that in addition to Easter greetings to the nation, President Joe Biden on Friday also released a proclamation reiterating that Sunday was Trans Visibility Day, as he has done every year of his presidency.

Of course, the wingnuts smelled a conspiracy, for that’s what they do. Everything is a conspiracy…and they KNEW that fuckery was afoot. They KNEW that our heathen President was doing his best to mock the baby Jesus by making Trans Visibility Day on THE VERY SAME DAY as Easter.

BLASPHEMY!!

Of course, no one told the pinheads that Trans Visibility Day is on March 31st EVERY year. Easter is…oh, never mind. Why do I even bother?

Benny Johnson Spreads False Christian Nationalist History

Yes, Benny Johnson is a lying sack of dog excrement and a shitty historian, but here’s what I want to know: Does his mother know that he goes out dressed like a circus clown (or is she the one who made his clown suit?)? How could anyone dressed like an extra from a cereal commercial hope to be taken seriously when discussing history, religion, and/or government?

Not only does Johnson not know WTF he’s talking about, he’s spreading bullshit as if he’s fertilizing crops. And he’s probably pretty well compensated for a bullshit artist.

Right Wing Watch has noted multiple times in the past that there seems to be a common theme among Christian nationalist commentators who, time and time again, spread blatant falsehoods in defense of their ideology.

The latest example comes courtesy of right-wing commentator and TPUSA contributor Benny Johnson, who recently delivered a rant in which he declared that “if you are a Christian, there is no excuse for voting for Democrats” and attempted to buttress this claim by telling a bunch of falsehoods about Benjamin Franklin and the Constitutional Convention in 1787.

“Even Ben Franklin understood that in the formation of this nation [that] if God wasn’t the center of it, then it would fail,” Johnson claimed. “The quote from Ben Franklin at his prayer at the opening of the Constitutional Convention—which he presided over as the oldest Founding Father, and it was in Philadelphia, his home city—he said, ‘If a sparrow cannot fall from the sky without [God’s] notice, how can a nation rise without his aid?'”

Ah, but whose flavor of God are we referring to? The righteous, loving God of the Gospel? Or the mean-spirited, angry son of a bitch who’d just as soon smite a human as embrace them?

And what about those of us who don’t believe in God? Are we to be discounted in this holier-than-thou equation?

“Speaking in a prayer to God, [Franklin asked], ‘If a sparrow cannot fall from the sky without God’s notice, how could a nation rise without God’s aid?’ Johnson reiterated. “That’s how inextricably interwoven the being, the nature of God is, in our government. And if you are looking to destroy this place, you must separate us from God.”

First of all, Benjamin Franklin did not preside over the Constitutional Convention, George Washington did.

Secondly, the quote Johnson repeatedly cited did not come from a “prayer” delivered by Franklin “at the opening” of the Convention, but rather from on a speech Franklin delivered on June 28, 1787, over a month into the convention.

Say, didn’t the Soviets also rearrange history to support their required narrative of the moment?

Finally, what Johnson and so many other Christian nationalists who love to tell this story always conveniently fail to mention is that the delegates explicitly chose not to heed Franklin’s call to prayer and adjourned without taking any action on his suggestion. In fact, on the bottom of the handwritten version of the speech Franklin delivered that day is a note acknowledging that “the convention, except three or four persons, thought prayer unnecessary!”

Given that nearly everything Johnson said about Franklin’s speech is wrong, there are no grounds for accepting his assertion that it somehow proves just how “inextricably interwoven the being, the nature of God is, in our government.”

Johnson completely ignored Franklin’s note: “the convention, except three or four persons, thought prayer unnecessary!” That sentence fragment alone would seem to render Johnson’s argument entirely invalid. Then again, when you’re a Christian Nationalist, you’ve built your theology on cherry-picking Scripture, so what Johnson’s done is hardly unusual.

If you can’t construct a theology based on honesty and integrity, if all you can do is rely on deception, dishonesty, and trickery, what are you doing? What do you think you have to offer? Are you trying to save souls? Or are you in it because you feel it’s your best shot at taking power?

Why is it that the worst among us are the ones trying to seize power by any means necessary? They have nothing to offer America. They can do nothing to make this country better. It’s about seizing power because they lust for it. They want to be the ones pulling the levers of power, though they’re neither savvy nor intelligent enough to want to do the right things for the right reasons.

Ultimately, it’s about intellectually incompetent and morally inept maroons chasing power for the wrong reasons. If they can seize the brass ring, they won’t last long. Once they reach the top, they’ll discover that they’ll spend most of their time fending off challenges to their power…until finally, one day, someone will catch them unawares and put a bullet in the back of their skull.

And it will start all over again—more stupid people doing stupid things for ridiculous reasons, chasing power for all the wrong reasons. While they’re trying to preserve their power (and their lives), the country will decline around them until one day, it looks like the set from a Mad Max movie.

Then, to quote the great H.L. Mencken, “On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

Sadly, America is experiencing an oversupply of morons.

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