This week's 12 signs that God hates us and wishes we would eat a bag of dicks

She's sick of our shit. I'm not kidding.

Texas Republicans Share Perfectly Normal Fantasies About Killing Women Who Have Abortions, IVF:

When people start fantasizing about who they want to kill, it’s probably a good idea to believe them. In this case, Texas Republicans, who generally want to kill anyone who isn’t a White Conservative Christian Cisgender Heterosexual, are being a wee bit more specific. Some Texas Republicans want to execute women because

Paul Brown, who is the Director of Policy for Abolish Abortion Texas (AATX) said that IVF is a form of abortion and that when a fertilized egg is destroyed it should be considered murder, saying “Their lives [women] don’t matter any more than the babies’ they are killing.” 

Brown also said how the group is against basic contraception pointing to the emergency contraception pill Plan B, saying that it “terminates or kills a baby prior to implantation – which is an abortion”

Brown went on to say that they will “never be okay with abortions in the instance of incest or rape” with several audience members suggesting that pregnant woman and doctors who perform abortions should be “held accountable” to the highest extent of the law.

He seems nice, yeah?? How much d’ya wanna bet he’s single? Just a hunch.

The Arizona Supreme Court Just Allowed a Near-Total Abortion Ban From 1864 to Go Into Effect:

This bullshit is why we can’t have nice things, y’all.

In 1864, America was still embroiled in a Civil War. A gunshot wound was an almost certain death sentence. You couldn’t buy a decent pizza anywhere. And no one had ever heard of the Internet. Yes, it was primitive.

And speaking of primitive, the Cro-Magnon American Taliban majority on the Arizona Supreme Court “upheld” an abortion ban dating from 1864, when men were men and sheep were nervous. Arizona wasn’t even a state at the time, ferchrissakes. It was, like, a suburb of Mexico or some damned thing. So, how can a law from before statehood be considered valid?

(In 1864, Abraham Lincoln had yet to emancipate the slaves, and women hadn’t yet won the right to vote.)

Someone should ask as soon as the justices have been able to treat the scabs on their knuckles.

[T]he Arizona Supreme Court upheld a 1864 abortion ban, making nearly all abortions in the state illegal and potentially criminalizing healthcare providers with up to five years in prison. The justices said that after the fall of Roe a Civil War-era law, that existed before Arizona became a state, took precedence over a 15-week ban passed in 2022. In a 4–2 decision, the court ruled that the law is “now enforceable.” The ban goes into effect in 14 days. 

Arizona now joins 15 other states that ban abortion in nearly all cases with little to no exceptions.

But it’s unclear how—or if—this law will be enforced across Arizona.

In 2023, Arizona Gov. Katie Hobbs, a Democrat, issued an executive order granting state Attorney General Kris Mayes the sole power to handle abortion prosecutions under state laws. Soon after, Mayes said she would not prosecute any providers under the state’s criminal ban. She emphasized that again today after the ruling. 

Make America 1864 Again.

Good Lord, y’all; we are so fucked.

Arizona State Senator Leads Prayer In Tongues On Floor Before Abortion Ruling

I don’t hate Christians, but if I did, these self-righteous cretins would be shooting up the list at warp speed.

Let’s say there’s one thing I definitely, totally, absolutely hate about today’s American Taliban Christianity (besides being as much about the teachings of Jesus as I am about loving the Green Bay Packers). In that case, it would be the arrogance and “fuck-all-y’all” insouciance with which they shove their hyperreligiosity in our faces.

A far-right Arizona state senator led a prayer circle speaking in tongues on the chamber floor Monday, a day before the state Supreme Court upheld a Civil War-era law banning nearly all abortions.

In a video now making the rounds on social media, state Sen. Anthony Kern, a Republican from Glendale, guided the kneeling prayer group in English while several unidentified worshippers babbled. “Let it be so, Father God,” he said. “Let it be so, let it be so.”

The provocative act caught the attention of Jeanne Casteen, the executive director of Secular Arizona, a group that advocates for the separation of church and state.

Casteen tweeted the footage originally shared on TikTok by public affairs strategist Tony Cani, who said he received the clip from a person who wanted to remain anonymous. Cani said Kern and his “prayer team of anti-abortion extremists” were praying for the 1864 abortion ban to become law again. Kern later confirmed to HuffPost that was indeed the case.

There’s this little matter of the separation of Church and State, of which all of these idjits are fully aware and yet see no reason to respect. After all, they’re Christians; the laws of mere mortals don’t apply to them, and if y’all ain’t got Jesus, y’all ain’t got shit.

God-haters? What an arrogant little prick. Speaking of wishing someone would eat a bag of dicks….

Wisconsin Senate candidate Eric Hovde says people in nursing homes shouldn’t vote:

If you consider Eric Hovde's perspective from a purely business-like perspective, it makes sense. If someone has only five or six good months in front of them, why waste a lot of time, energy, and effort helping them vote? Why not just set them adrift on an ice floe with a box of Captain America comic books and a couple of bottles of cheap bourbon? They could go out in style- if they don’t freeze to death first. Or perhaps that’s the idea.

During an appearance on the “Guy Benson Show,” Wisconsin Senate candidate Eric Hovde responded to a question on 2020 voting irregularities by saying people in nursing homes aren’t “in a point” to vote.

Benson asked Hovde what his strategy would be for handling constant media questions about former President Donald Trump’s stolen election claims, especially after Trump endorsed Hovde last week. Hovde responded by saying that he does not believe the 2020 election was stolen, but he did claim that there were things that happened in 2020 that were “very troublesome,” like a high number of people in nursing homes voting.

“We had nursing homes where the sheriff of Racine investigated, where you had 100% voting in nursing homes,” Hovde said. “Well, if you’re in a nursing home, you only have five, six-month life expectancy. Almost nobody in a nursing home is in a point to vote and you had children, adult children showing up saying, ‘Who voted for my 85 or 90-year-old father or mother?’”

Of course, Hovde’s claims are largely bullshit. The Administration for Community Living states that the time people stay in nursing homes is highly variable, with some stays lasting as long as five years.

Surprisingly, Donald Trump has endorsed Hovde even though Hovde doesn’t believe that Joe Biden stole the 2020 election. This oversight was a shock because Trump refused to endorse Pennsylvania Senate candidate David McCormick because he also doesn’t think Biden stole the 2020 election.

Regardless, it sounds like Eric Hovde’s kind of a dick, so Trump’s kind of guy, yeah?

MAGA ‘Prophets’: The Eclipse Is a Warning to Repent — and Follow Trump:

Not to belabor the obvious, but sometimes an eclipse is just an eclipse- not a quasi-magical or religious awakening- one celestial body passing before another. It's a cosmic coincidence, if you will.

Of course, humanity being what it is, plenty of human freak shows were trying to monetize the eclipse by turning it into something of profound magical/religious significance.

There was nothing magical about it, nor was it a message from God to repent our evil ways or murder our neighbors who are Packers fans. First, God isn’t real. Second, even if God did exist, I hardly think She’d be dealing with us in such dark ways. Third, who cares about the Packers, anyway?

For those of us with nothing to repent or who have no ambition to ritually murder our neighbors (even if they are Packers fans), sometimes an eclipse is just four minutes to go outside and witness darkness in the middle of the day. Unusual, to be sure, but nothing that will summon famine, pestilence, or locusts.

Man, that’s a whole lotta crazy for something that lasted all of four minutes, don’tchathink?

How Arizona Got Its Old-Fashioned Abortion Ban: Old-Fashioned Court Packing!:

Say you want to find a way to rig the government so that it works for you (i.e., it benefits you and your wealthy friends). You’ll want to ensure that no matter what you do, the judicial system will rule in your favor. So, how do you achieve that? It's funny you should ask, Comrade.

Welcome to Court Packing 101.

[H]ow did Arizona even end up with an abortion ban crafted when its territorial legislature had spittoons in every room so gentlemen wouldn’t stain the floor, at least not with their chaw? (Or, if you prefer, when Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton were still busy working for the abolition of slavery, saving up women’s suffrage for after the war.)

Instead of picking apart the “logic” of the Arizona Supremes’ decision, let’s look at the real reason: All seven of the justices were appointed by Republican governors, and back in 2016, the GOP-dominated state Lege expanded the court from five to seven members.

Yes, that means that even if pissed-off Arizona voters choose not to retain the two justices up for election this fall, it will take years of voting to change the composition of the state supreme court, where justices serve six-year terms before voters have a chance to keep or toss them out.

In a prescient 2020 article, Politico explained how Arizona packed its supreme court with rightwing ideologues, although then-Gov. Doug Ducey insisted that heavens no, it wasn’t court-packing. After all, he pointed out, he can’t just appoint anyone he wants, because Arizona has a “merit selection system” for judges, and it

requires applicants to be screened by an independent judicial nominating commission made up of lawyers and members of the public who are nominated by the governor and confirmed by the state Senate. Each time a court vacancy occurs, the commission must send the governor candidates representing different political parties.

Of course, Ducey played with the system and appointed judges who were so far to the Right they could look over and see the end of the world.

Who coulda seen that coming?

Hilariously, some of the Republicans pushing to expand the court had claimed it would allow for “greater diversity” among the members of the court. At least, maybe someday when all five of Ducey’s appointees and the two left over from Jan Brewer are gone.

Well, sure; some members parted their hair on the right, some on the left, and some straight down the middle. DIVERSITY!!

When Ducey was finished, the Arizona Supremes, a “body that had four conservatives and one liberal when Ducey took office[,] now consisted of seven conservatives and zero liberals.”

But they’re diverse Conservatives. Don’tcha just LOVE representative democracy?

Charlie Kirk Leads Campaign To Change Nebraska Electoral Law Explicitly To Benefit Trump:

If you can’t win an election without cheating, there are three possibilities you might want to consider:

1. You suck, or

2. You’re Donald Trump, or

3. Both.

And, if you’re Donald Trump, you’re more than happy to welcome people into your Presidential campaign who are not only willing but EAGER to help you cheat.

When Joe Biden won the presidential election in 2020, he managed to secure one electoral vote from the state of Nebraska thanks to a 1991 law that allocates electoral votes by congressional district rather than the “winner take all” method used by most other states.

With the 2024 presidential election expected to be close, right-wing activists, led by right-wing commentator Charlie Kirk, have launched a campaign to pressure the Nebraska legislature to change the system explicitly for the benefit of Donald Trump.

On Tuesday night, Kirk’s TPUSA held a rally at far-right pastor and self-proclaimed “prophet” Hank Kunneman’s Lord of Hosts Church in Omaha, where speaker after speaker made clear that the purpose of this campaign is solely to help reelect Trump.

Precisely what Jesus would do- right, Chuck?

You suck.

What the fuck is going on here?:

Be still, my foolish heart; I fear I may be unable to withstand the stress and strain of the anticipation. And who thought giving Laura Loomer a Twitter account was a good idea once she was off her court-ordered Thorazine?

Awkward moment Mexican TV hosts cut to man's genitals during broadcast of solar eclipse:

Did you ever have one of those days when you take a few shortcuts, and then they come back to bite you in the ass? Well, these poor folks can top whatever your fuckup may have been.

A local Mexican television network needs a refresher course in Journalism 101 after a viewer tricked it into showing a video clip of a man's testicles during a live broadcast of the solar eclipse.

RCG TV, a station in the northeastern state of Coahuila, was airing the cosmic event during its '24/7' midday newscast and sharing videos provided by its viewers when it committed the viral blunder.

A male anchor listing the cities where residents had a clear view of the eclipse when the production staff showed a video of a man's testicles moving across the screen to block a light. 

'They would be the municipalities where it could be appreciated the most,' he said.

The gross video was subsequently cut off as one of the two female anchors gasped and glanced at him.

Hey, ladies!! I got yer solar eclipse right here….

Boeing whistleblower reports dangerous ‘shortcuts’ at Everett plant:

Flying shouldn’t be a crapshoot. You shouldn’t have to wonder if wings, door plugs, windows, or who-knows-what will still be attached to the plane when it reaches cruising altitude. But, if you’re flying on a Boeing-made aircraft, the odds are a little shorter than they used to be, which is good if you like living dangerously and not so great if you like uneventful flights and reaching your destination intact.

It seems that Boeing’s safety culture has given way over time to its “Fuck-it-just-get-it-done-and-out-the-fucking-door-culture.” And that’s drawn some unwelcome attention to Boeing, which is kind of a BFD in Seattle.

EVERETT — An engineer who works at the Boeing assembly plant at Paine Field in Everett is at the center of a new whistleblower complaint alleging the jet maker ignored serious safety and quality control concerns in the construction of the company’s 787 and 777 airplanes.

Sam Salehpour, a Boeing quality engineer, saw the company take shortcuts in the plane’s assembly that “may reduce the life of the aircraft, putting the planes at risk for sudden fatigue failure,” his attorneys posted Tuesday on X, formerly known as Twitter.

He claimed almost 1,000 787s and about 400 777s remain in use despite the risk of structural failure.

Salehpour is represented by Katz Banks Kumin, a Washington D.C.-based law firm. A spokesman for the firm confirmed Tuesday that Salehpour is employed at Boeing’s Everett assembly plant.

The revelations come as Boeing faces heightened scrutiny over its safety standards after a door panel blew off a 737 Max 9 while flying in early January. No one was injured, but the response from federal regulators was swift.

And just last month, another Everett whistleblower, John Barnett, died by an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound after raising concerns over quality control at the aerospace giant.

Hmm…I’m sure that Barnett’s suicide was PURELY coincidental, yeah? Sure, and if you believe that, I think Jared Kushner’s building a luxury hotel on an island off the coast of Albania that he’d LOVE to sell you at an inflated price.

And thanks, Boeing, for adding another layer of things for nervous flyers to worry about, eh? One more reason to get hammered in the airport bar before boarding.

‘Zombie drug’ found in cannabis vapes:

For those of you who don’t have nearly enough things to worry about in the deadly chemicals department, allow me to introduce Xylazine. It sounds like something from a Marvel comic book, but it’s a “flesh-eating” “zombie” drug. So, just the sort of thing that should be a big hit at Thanksgiving dinner this year, eh?

A powerful flesh-eating ‘zombie’ drug sweeping the US has infiltrated Britain’s illegal drug market, experts have warned.

Xylazine, also known as ‘tranq dope’, had already been linked to one death in the UK but researchers have now identified 10 more linked to the substance.

In most cases it is mixed with strong opioids such as heroin or fentanyl, but it has also been detected in fake prescription tablets, THC vapes and cocaine.

The drug can cause a dangerously low heartrate and compromise users’ airways, and may also cause large open skin ulcers which can rot and lead to limb amputation.

Of course, an evening watching C-SPAN can also cause “a dangerously low heart rate and compromise users’ airways,” so you’ll want to exercise appropriate caution, yeah?

Sharks discovered in tidal ponds on popular South Carolina barrier island, town warns:

No, this is not a publicity stunt for Jaw VIII: Dinner Is Served. Some people are genuinely surprised to discover that sharks swim in the ocean. Like, where else would they hang out? At a 7-11? Or perhaps a Wawa in Myrtle Beach??

One of South Carolina’s most popular tourist destinations has issued an unusual warning for anyone thinking of wading into the town’s tidal ponds: Beware of sharks. “The town is aware that there are currently a number of sharks in tidal ponds near the Kiawah Island Beach Club and near Beachwalker County Park,” Kiawah Island town officials wrote in an email. “Although these sharks are relatively small in size (about 4 feet), beachgoers should still use caution and not enter the tidal pools or allow their pets to swim in these areas.”

The city also warned that no local surf shops will rent saddles this summer. The local emergency management office was upset last year when ten unbelievably drunk tourists were killed and 24 maimed after trying to saddle and ride sharks, who understandably don’t appreciate the intrusion upon their personal space.

Kiawah Island town officials recommend renting paddle boats instead. They’re not as much fun, but officials stressed that you’re far more likely to go home with all your extremities intact.

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